Beloved Au Pair Leaving- How to Help with Transition to New Au Pair

[Anonymous]

Our current Au Pair has been with us for almost two years, we actually matched in February of 2020 and then due to Covid she was unable to come until March of 2021. However, we talked that whole time so not sure if that added to the connection, but she truly is like family. She is the third au pair we have had, but none of the others felt this close. She adores my kids ( almost 3, 7 and 10) they are going to miss her so much. Our new au pair arrives tomorrow-- and current leaves on Saturday. Does anyone have any tips on how to handle this transition? Any experience with a much loved Au Pair is leaving and a new one coming? Letting my kids ( and us) miss her, but also welcoming a new au pair.

I have gone thru the motions with the new Au Pair ( getting welcome basket, chatting her, trying to get kids excited), our current au pair was instrumental in picking her and I feel she is lovely, but I am just so sad it is hard to feel the excitement.

Appreciate anyone that has been there and done this and any tips you may have to make the transition as smooth as possible.

[Anonymous]

Adjust your expectations.

Our previous one was the best we've had, also very close to us and felt like family. But there was some tension toward the end, and too much of an emotional demand on me. With the new one, I set my expectations very low, knowing that no one was going to be like the previous one, and hoping to avoid some of the pitfalls of the previous one too.

Our current one does a lot less than her predecessor. But she does meet my minimal requirement. And she's very independent. While this means we don't do much with her outside her work hours, it also gives me breathing room as she does not require as much of my emotional energy. So I'm always looking on the bright side. And the key is not to compare her with the previous one.

As for the transition itself, all the tips our previous ap gave the current one kind of flew out the window b/c the kids responded to the new ap differently, so the things the they used to enjoy doing with the previous ap they now don't want to do. Current ap had to find her own way to connect with them. We all gave it time and grace, and after about a month or so she began to hit her stride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adjust your expectations.

Our previous one was the best we've had, also very close to us and felt like family. But there was some tension toward the end, and too much of an emotional demand on me. With the new one, I set my expectations very low, knowing that no one was going to be like the previous one, and hoping to avoid some of the pitfalls of the previous one too.

Our current one does a lot less than her predecessor. But she does meet my minimal requirement. And she's very independent. While this means we don't do much with her outside her work hours, it also gives me breathing room as she does not require as much of my emotional energy. So I'm always looking on the bright side. And the key is not to compare her with the previous one.

As for the transition itself, all the tips our previous ap gave the current one kind of flew out the window b/c the kids responded to the new ap differently, so the things the they used to enjoy doing with the previous ap they now don't want to do. Current ap had to find her own way to connect with them. We all gave it time and grace, and after about a month or so she began to hit her stride.

My current AP who is leaving soon is doing a good job with the kids but not really anything for the family. She is a good girl but immature and we don't really enjoy living with her. I am a pleaser, which is my own bad. So I always try to make sure that she is happy/not feeling lonely/feel like family because I always think that she is here alone away from her family and it is not easy. I guess i treated her too well (even though she didn't really deserve it) to the point that she is very attached to me and started giving my attitude if she feels I didn't care about her as much. I am so mentally drained (due to my own fault). For my next AP, I hope she is more independent and I will treat the relationship more like business with kindness.

[Anonymous]

The emotional demand is real and not talked about enough. My best ap was also the worst in some respect because she was really clingy and not respecting boundaries. We had no privacy as a family the first 6 months she was with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The emotional demand is real and not talked about enough. My best ap was also the worst in some respect because she was really clingy and not respecting boundaries. We had no privacy as a family the first 6 months she was with us.

I have the same issue on the boundaries. My AP, as she feels closer to us over time, started acting like we are her real family that she can release her feelings to. She also acts like living in her own house. She laid on my couch playing with her phone for 3 hours straight while me and my husband were doing housework around her. I really got fed up with this but since she is leaving in a few days, I just bit my lips.

tired of hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The emotional demand is real and not talked about enough. My best ap was also the worst in some respect because she was really clingy and not respecting boundaries. We had no privacy as a family the first 6 months she was with us.

I have the same issue on the boundaries. My AP, as she feels closer to us over time, started acting like we are her real family that she can release her feelings to. She also acts like living in her own house. She laid on my couch playing with her phone for 3 hours straight while me and my husband were doing housework around her. I really got fed up with this but since she is leaving in a few days, I just bit my lips.

tired of hosting.

You sound awful ... What was the problem ??

Housework is not part of her job unless you asked her as a chore that family share ... but if you don't ask for it, then don't be mad that she doesn't offer.

[Anonymous]

I agree that each au pair relationship is different. My plan going forward is to try to lower my expectations for the exchange part of the program/connection we have with the au pair (if an au pair doesn't want to hang out with us, that ultimately saves us money anyway), but maintain my expectations about the childcare/co-living part of the program (my kids deserve to be safe and loved). We will see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The emotional demand is real and not talked about enough. My best ap was also the worst in some respect because she was really clingy and not respecting boundaries. We had no privacy as a family the first 6 months she was with us.

I have the same issue on the boundaries. My AP, as she feels closer to us over time, started acting like we are her real family that she can release her feelings to. She also acts like living in her own house. She laid on my couch playing with her phone for 3 hours straight while me and my husband were doing housework around her. I really got fed up with this but since she is leaving in a few days, I just bit my lips.

tired of hosting.

You sound awful ... What was the problem ??

Housework is not part of her job unless you asked her as a chore that family share ... but if you don't ask for it, then don't be mad that she doesn't offer.

First of all, couch is for sitting on and is shared by family. When she is laying on it for HOURS, how can other people in the house use it? Kick her butt up? Second, she is not a guest and she gets upset if I don’t include her for fun things we do because she wants to be treated like family. But when it comes to cleaning, she apparently doesn’t want to be part of the family so she doesn’t need to take any responsibilities. Ok, If she doesn’t want to help that is completely fine. But don’t lay on the couch watching us running around cleaning. It is just RUDE.