How much do you pay for AP food and gas?

[Anonymous]

We’re a first time host family and we’re wondering how other host families handle AP food and gas expenses.

For food — I know where supposed to cover “board” but what exactly does that include? For the first couple months our AP ate almost all her meals with us so it wasn’t an issue. I’d let her add whatever she wanted to our weekly grocery order, which was about $60 worth of special items just her own use (totally reasonable). However, over the past couple of months our AP has said she prefers doing her own grocery shopping, which I thought would be fine except she’s now giving us >$150 worth of receipts per week plus she’s eating out a ton (gives us >$200 worth of receipts/week) during her off-hours instead of having snacks and meals at home. I’m thinking we need to go back to having her give me a list of items to add to our weekly grocery list and/or give her a weekly food stipend instead. What is a reasonable amount?

For gas — she has access to her own car and 99% of driving is for her personal use (she generally doesn’t drive our kids). Yet she seems to expect that we pay for nearly $100/week in gas expenses. Am I correct to assume that we should cover some gas expenses for her personal driving to allow her to partake in the “cultural exchange experience” in addition to any work-related driving? What is a reasonable gas stipend?

[Anonymous]

You need to set boundaries. Tell her she gets $50 food allowance a week for you to order what she wants or her to buy it. You will not pay for after hours dining out and she needs to pay. She also gets $40 a week in gas for personal use and anything above that she pays. $100 a week for gas for personal trips is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Agree - boundaries.

For food - we did not pay for any of her meals out on her own. For groceries, I just asked her what she wanted me to buy, or she wrote it down on our list. I think the fact that I did the shopping, rather than her simply buying it on my credit card, made her a bit more reasonable. When I do give her the credit card for outings with the kids or errands, I see that she’s not very cost conscious. (Which is probably par for the course for a 22 year old with someone else’s credit card).

I obviously include her and pay when we get take out.

For gas - we also have a third car for her usage. We used to pay all the gas as a kindness but I noticed she was doing unnecessary trips / not being smart about it. Like she would drive 30 mins to go get a Starbucks and then come home. An hour later, she’d drive that same path to go to the McDonald’s next door to the Starbucks. We shifted to her paying her own gas and what do you know - suddenly she became much more efficient with her gas usage. For her monthly meetings, she told me that we were responsible for her getting there, so I would always fill the tank before the meetings. (The tank would always be empty before I filled it, so I guess I am buying 1 tank full per month)

[Anonymous]

My gut reaction is she is acting entitled.

We do all the grocery shopping and add items that our AP would like. None of our APs has ever handed us receipts for when they chose to eat out. Never heard of anyone else whose AP does that either.

We do pay for AP when we all go out to eat or when we are on trips together.

For gas, I think we have it in our handbook that APs are responsible for their own gas if it's personal use. Our current one has been doing 50/50 personal use and driving the kids, and we paid to keep it simpler. But if our AP is going through nearly 100 a week in gas and expects us to pay for it, we'd be having a conversation already. She's taking you for a ride.

[Anonymous]

The receipts for meals and $150 of groceries out is OUTRAGEOUS and you erred in paying those - it will be hard to walk it back. She is laughing at you behind your back and all her AP friends are incredulous that you are being such a push over.

[Anonymous]

I can’t stand it when APs start saying they prefer their own foods and refuse to eat the food that we cook. We make healthy food and work hard it. We only need to provide meals. Not foods they think are better than ours. (Think Mediterranean lentil curry versus Brazilian frozen chicken nuggets that she only bought at the Brazilian grocery)

[Anonymous]

We do not provide a food allowance. AP is welcome to eat anything in the house and our fridge/pantry is always stocked. She is welcome to eat what we cook and have take-out with us when we order in. If she chooses to go out and eat, that's her choice and not my problem. Gas has never been a big issue. We ask APs to fill the car when they take it far, but we don't worry about the daily use, like going to the gym.

[Anonymous]

We have had 5 APs and great relationships with all of them. We have never paid for meals in restaurants, trips to Starbucks, anything like that. APs always paid for those on their own and tbh, none have ever asked for reimbursement. We've done a variety of things for food in the house--I shop and AP gives me a list of items for her, AP shops for the family and adds what she wants on our card, or we give the AP our card for a few specialty items she wants that aren't things we keep around. Generally our APs eat what we cook or what's in the house, or cook for themselves during off hours. When we were sharing a car then we asked her to fill it after long personal trips but not local use. When AP has been the primary driver on our extra car, she pays for the gas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have had 5 APs and great relationships with all of them. We have never paid for meals in restaurants, trips to Starbucks, anything like that. APs always paid for those on their own and tbh, none have ever asked for reimbursement. We've done a variety of things for food in the house--I shop and AP gives me a list of items for her, AP shops for the family and adds what she wants on our card, or we give the AP our card for a few specialty items she wants that aren't things we keep around. Generally our APs eat what we cook or what's in the house, or cook for themselves during off hours. When we were sharing a car then we asked her to fill it after long personal trips but not local use. When AP has been the primary driver on our extra car, she pays for the gas.

Same...we don't pay for meals out unless we're together. Then we pay for the whole family. I do invite her to add whatever to our grocery list. And she is welcome to eat anything in the house that isn't specifically earmarked for a recipe. We ask the AP to fill the car with gas and reimburse for mileage when she drives the kids.

[Anonymous]

What do you do if she wants a ton of her own items? I don’t like the idea of having to buy a to. Of additional items. Do you put her on a budget ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t stand it when APs start saying they prefer their own foods and refuse to eat the food that we cook. We make healthy food and work hard it. We only need to provide meals. Not foods they think are better than ours. (Think Mediterranean lentil curry versus Brazilian frozen chicken nuggets that she only bought at the Brazilian grocery)

Did we have the same Au pair? “I can’t eat dinner with you any longer because I’m gaining weight”. Goes to the Brazilian grocery store and eats their cake every morning for breakfast.

[Anonymous]

This is sad and crazy. We’ve hosted for 6 1/2 years and haven’t heard of a host family getting this taken advantage of :/ - I think it’s your fault though. AP’s will try to get as much reimbursed / paid for as possible (given their pay, it’s definitely understandable), but it is up to the host family to set clear expectations and boundaries starting at the interview stage (you do this by researching norms, family manuals, talking to your LC, etc).

I order groceries online, and the AP, my husband, and I have a shared iNote where we keep track of items that need to be ordered for that week. I also try to remember to send my AP a text before the grocery order, to confirm if there is anything else that she’d like to add to the list. These are for household staples (tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, meat, almond milk, etc - I also buy things like the Brazilian bread or nuggets, they sale them at Safeway and she has a right to want to eat them if she desires IMO). I do not buy a bunch of junk food, so I also give her an additional $15 per week (added to her stipend) that she can use to buy Oreo’s, ice cream, whatever else she might want to keep in her room for snacks.

If we go out to eat or order in, we pay for her meal (of course!), but if she chooses to go out to eat instead of cooking something in the house or making a sandwich, etc, she absolutely has to to cover the costs from her stipend.

We have a dedicated AP car. We pay for 1 fill-up per week (I add it to her stipend amount). She is responsible for paying any other gas needs above and beyond this.

All of these boundaries are noted in our family manual which I send before our final match, so that we are super transparent on what we do / do not cover, and what our expectations / boundaries are (this is also important re other items you want to be clear and upfront about like car usage - can she drive the car to NYC for instance , weekday curfew - can she come home at 3am on a ‘work night’, etc.

It may be extremely hard to walk back some of your commitments now that she’s been with you for a while, but at minimum I would immediately stop paying for her eating out, etc.

[Anonymous]

She thinks you are fancy rich. I’m sure she’s bragging about this to her aupair friends.
If you aren’t fancy rich and can’t cover her ridiculous bills, don’t.
We provide “room and board” but we aren’t required to provide Tastefully appointed Airbnb’s and dining out with lattes every morning. Sit down with her and your LCC (if needed) and explain you can’t continue because it’s beyond the spirit of the aupair program (this is the nebulous reason used when the real reason is usually a “wtf, no.”) and you need her to try eating with your family or you will provide a small stipend for her to use. Offer $40/week but leave room to wiggle.

At the heart of this, it’s an exchange program not a work study. They are supposed to be integrated with a family to leave culture/foods/family life in exchange for childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do if she wants a ton of her own items? I don’t like the idea of having to buy a to. Of additional items. Do you put her on a budget ?

Most decent APs will be reasonable. For example, when we all go out to eat as a family, our aps would order dishes on par with everyone else's and not some super expensive one. If someone wants to add a ton of her own item, you'll have to have a conversation about expectations and budget.

I've had one Brazilian AP who wanted me to refill her metro card for personal use every month in addition to having a dedicated car. That one did not last long. Certain countries have very strong AP networks and they talk up each other's expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad and crazy. We’ve hosted for 6 1/2 years and haven’t heard of a host family getting this taken advantage of :/ - I think it’s your fault though. AP’s will try to get as much reimbursed / paid for as possible (given their pay, it’s definitely understandable), but it is up to the host family to set clear expectations and boundaries starting at the interview stage (you do this by researching norms, family manuals, talking to your LC, etc).

I order groceries online, and the AP, my husband, and I have a shared iNote where we keep track of items that need to be ordered for that week. I also try to remember to send my AP a text before the grocery order, to confirm if there is anything else that she’d like to add to the list. These are for household staples (tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, meat, almond milk, etc - I also buy things like the Brazilian bread or nuggets, they sale them at Safeway and she has a right to want to eat them if she desires IMO). I do not buy a bunch of junk food, so I also give her an additional $15 per week (added to her stipend) that she can use to buy Oreo’s, ice cream, whatever else she might want to keep in her room for snacks.

If we go out to eat or order in, we pay for her meal (of course!), but if she chooses to go out to eat instead of cooking something in the house or making a sandwich, etc, she absolutely has to to cover the costs from her stipend.

We have a dedicated AP car. We pay for 1 fill-up per week (I add it to her stipend amount). She is responsible for paying any other gas needs above and beyond this.

All of these boundaries are noted in our family manual which I send before our final match, so that we are super transparent on what we do / do not cover, and what our expectations / boundaries are (this is also important re other items you want to be clear and upfront about like car usage - can she drive the car to NYC for instance , weekday curfew - can she come home at 3am on a ‘work night’, etc.

It may be extremely hard to walk back some of your commitments now that she’s been with you for a while, but at minimum I would immediately stop paying for her eating out, etc.

We have a fairly detailed manual too that outlines this stuff---didn't stop the au pair to demand all kinds of stuff during the first week even though she claiemd to read the manual. I since started giving them quizzes on the manual.