Is an Au Pair worth it for the convenience if I am basically seeking a better work life balance?

[Anonymous]

Dh works around 8am-5:30pm from home. He hasn't traveled since COVID, but will likely start again after the pandemic (about 20% travel).

I run a service-based business from home so my hours are all over the place including nights and weekends. I work on average 35 hours per week and I am managing OK, but an extra few hours per week could really improve my growth trajectory.

We have a 4yo (currently in preschool 4 days per week 8am-2pm) and a 9 month old (in a home daycare 3 mornings per week and otherwise with me).

The juggle is starting to become a lot. I'm very fortunate to make my own hours at work, but my day is always haphazardly thrown together- get everyone ready, load baby in stroller and walk 1 mile round trip for preschool drop off, feed baby breakfast then work for an hour while she naps. Then drive baby to home daycare, work for 3.5 hours, pick her up. Put her down for afternoon nap, walk to get preschooler, afternoon playtime, cook dinner, baths, kids bed, work a few more hours in the evening, shower, prep the kids stuff for the following day, go to bed, repeat tomorrow. Basically, I feel fortunate to spend so much time with my kids, but then I'm working when they are napping, sleeping at night, and on weekends so I am never off from parenting or working. My daily shower is my only 10 mins to myself. I haven't watched tv, read a book, or seen friends since the pandemic started.

Our HHI is only $150k in 2021, projected $180-200k in 2022. Our current childcare costs are about $13k per year for preschool and the home daycare (plus whatever summer would cost with either camp or adding my oldest to the home daycare). We live in the Chicago suburbs so not as high CoL as the DMV area.

Do you think the increase in childcare cost for an Au Pair would be worth the convenience? We would eliminate the home daycare for our youngest and keep the older one home in the summer. It would be so nice to have someone to do the preschool drop off, be able to have a solid 5-hour block of work each day, be able to cook dinner and do laundry between meetings while AP has the kids. We would like evening hours 1x a week and maybe a few hours on a sat or sun morning or afternoon (or even every other Sunday for example). Is this outside of normal business hours unattractive to potential Au Pairs?

Au Pair would have a bedroom, kitchen, full bath, and living room to themself (though our house is very average, we just happen to have an apartment in the finished basement). There's almost always a car available because we both WFH. We are a kind, fun-loving, laid-back family. The cultural aspect is very attractive to us.

Thank you for taking the time to read!

[Anonymous]

No. Save yourself the trouble and get a small pool of babysitters. Schedule them on a regular basis so you can do things like date night or self-care time. Or send your older kid to a preschool with aftercare for some extra quiet hours to work.

Some APs will judge you for taking self-care time if they're scheduled to work. Some APs just can't do the job and you'll find yourself working 110% doing it yourself while trying to manage an unmotivated AP to do it. While Chicago is a great area, it's not a glamorous one for an out of country au pair who only really knows about CA or NYC.

[Anonymous]

I am so impressed that you have been able to squeeze out your work given your day to day!

First, the good. An au pair should absolutely be able to watch your kids for (at least) 5 hour blocks so you can get work done. Be upfront about needing weekend hours and you'll find many au pairs who are willing.

But... a nanny could also provide all of this. I'm not sure your specific situation necessitates an au pair (?). Most families get an au pair because they need split schedules (a few hours in the AM before school + afterschool) or have schedules that vary by week (you would typically give the au pair her schedule for the week on Sunday, and you can mix it up week to week). My advice would be to NOT get an au pair because you think it's less expensive than a nanny. I can give you a breakdown if you want on all of the "extras" we've spent... I think in your situation you might find a young nanny / mothers helpers to be much less expensive.

So yes, an au pair would work for you, but I don't think you "need" to go that route, and if you want to go that route... ready this board so you are prepared for the mental and financial load that comes with an au pair! Best of luck mama! You definitely deserve some help!

[Anonymous]

OP Here, thanks so much for the feedback. I guess my thought process was nannies here are $25hr for 30 hours per week would come to about $47k per year including employer taxes and a workers comp policy.

PP, I'd love to hear the breakdown of extra costs with your AP if you are willing to share. Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

I would just put the baby in the home day care more and plan to send your 4 year old there for the summer. Au pairs are like having another kid, it's do much work for a gamble of having a glorified teenager on their phone all the time, who will most certainly wreck your car, and do shady covid stuff. Honestly, I thought it was worth it but even with our best au pair, since having the kids back in day care full time it's been so much better. They area happy and socialized from people who want to do it, not just to tour the US while doing some job on the side. It's a night and day difference between childcare providers and au pairs when it comes to little kids. If you have preteens who literally just need a qualified adult nearby or to drive them to practice, etc. That's a different story. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

An au pair is another person in my house who I needed to support and take care of. It's exhausting. If you are not in a place with time for self care/career/family/life in general, where taking on another young person to support is sustainable, then an au pair is likely not right for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, when your baby is older I'd consider an au pair. For now, why not extend the hours at the daycare? It would work out cheaper I'm sure.

We got into the ap program when our oldest began kindergarten and we needed the morning and afternoon care. so far it's been a mixed bag. overall it's positive, and we'll likely continue for a few more years. But the downside could be serious too. The biggest negative is how much emotional energy it requires of you, even with careful vetting and interviewing. You've got to realize, most of the aps out there are still very young and quite immature. While all of ours have been good at taking care of the kids, the majority have been emotionally needy. It's understandable, really, b/c they have left their loving family behind and now rely on you for emotional support. But it does mean more mental work for you.

Most of the aps I know (ours and our friends') are also terrible at cleaning up after themselves. They're sloppy and have no concept of taking care of personal property. It's like having a long term roommate. If your lifestyles are not compatible, it gets old real fast.

So if you can keep the baby in daycare for longer hours, that would be my first choice.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for your POVs. I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure the AP would be the solution here.
We went to an AP at ages 5 &3; but DH was traveling 60% internationally. So leaving on Friday and coming back like 10-12 days later.
Mornings were hell and with pre-k and everything we went AP over nanny due to the weekends random schedule.

But, we had no flexibility- DH was on other continents all the time. An AP helped our situation because it was so dire; but they definitely create their own new challenges that if we could have worked a baby sitter or nanny we would have gone that route.
We hosted for 7 years; and treat our APs exceptionally well (costs about 35k with all the perks). A nanny would be 65k; and if we could find one that meets our needs we would pay that as opposed to having some older child live with us.

Not bashing AP program, but they are not a cheap silver bullet for everyone. After our neighbors saw our success they explored it but Ty did not work out. We have extenuating circumstances that make our bigger challenges easily than the ones APs typically create.

[Anonymous]

Hey! I posted earlier offering more insight into the unexpected costs we found with our au pair. So here you go.

First, you mention that a nanny will cost about $25/hr in your area - around $50K/year or more. But for that money, you can expect a professional, knowledgeable about child development, engaging the child, running the household as it relates to the child, etc. You cannot expect any of that with an au pair. An au pair is more like a college student or mother's helper with some (if any) babysitting experience in the past.

So if you cobble together some babysitters (making way less than $25/hr) and are judicious with your hours, you're looking more at $30K/year. This would be for about the same quality of childcare that you'd get from an au pair.

And I've spent way more than $30K this year hosting an au pair.

I'm sure you've already read up on the expected expenses with an au pair - the stipend ($200/week), the agency fees, the phone bill, the car insurance and a slight increase in household utilities. The shockers to us were (1) car; (2) groceries; (3) eating out; (4) vacations and (5) "wear and tear" on your house.

Car - I knew insurance would go up, but our au pair caused an accident early on so our insurance is now ridiculously high. Here's the thing... you are not required to pay for their gas, you are not required to let them take your car on weekend trips, or drive around their friends. But you will hear about how other families do these things. It's push and pull of keeping your au pair happy, without burning a hole in your wallet. She will be VERY aware of what other families are offering. She will be very UNaware of how much it costs to maintain a car + insurance + how much her "oops" accidents cost you. Between insurance, gas, wear and tear, we've spent about $2K more with the au pair.

Eating Out - my husband and I get take out 2x/week. Again, there's no requirement that you get take out for your au pair. But I would feel like a dick for getting yummy take out and not offering to her (she always accepts). So that adds about $50/week, or $2,600 annually. A cost you wholly would not incur with a nanny, as he/she would not be in the house. If you don't ever get take out, this is not applicable.

Groceries - we try to eat organic, fresh, aka $$$. I underestimated how much she would eat at home - basically all her meals. (Which to be fair is smart of her, rather than burning her stipend at restaurants). She added about $500/mo to our bill, or $6,000 annually. A nanny or babysitter often just brings their own food or snacks on what the kids eat. They don't go into your fridge and legit eat your expensive cheese, steak and fancy chocolate. Your au pair will though!

Travel - again, there's no requirement for you to take your au pair on travel. This is where the "treat them like family" and "provide them a cultural experience" gets murky. Because if you take a trip to the mountains, the beach, Disney, etc... they're gonna want that "cultural experience" and be disappointed if you don't include them. And you do not want a moody, grumpy teen in your house watching your kids. So we took her, to the beach, to the mountains, to my parents' house, to a wedding. You need to pay for a flight + a separate hotel room for her + pay for the meals she eats with the family. We also paid for her ski equipment rentals. Not required, but again, it's push and pull between keeping her happy, fulfilling your obligation to "treat her like family" and not go over budget because you feel bad for excluding her. I'd say we spent about $2K on travel extras associated with the au pair. Again, I made the choice to include her, so these are costs I accepted. But it's not as easy peasy as the agency makes it seem to "leave her at home! She'll love it!" It can create some real discord and discomfort in your home to exclude her.

Wear and Tear on Your House: I'll also throw in here - you'll be providing Christmas presents, birthday presents, thoughtful gifts here and there - those can add up. You also have a person living in your home who has no clue about the costs of home ownership (like when she left her windows open in the winter, next to a heater, because she "liked the breeze"); when she thought my steam carpet cleaner was a vacuum and busted it ($280 right there); she's scraped up every Le Crueset pot I own; she will literally do a wash and dry cycle for a single clothing item, etc, etc.) It's just the cost of having a young adult in your home, but it's annoying as hell. If I added all this up, I'd say it's cost me about $2K this year.

[Anonymous]

DP. Yes to the wear and tear. Our last au pair was tiny, yet has managed to destroy 2 padded desk chairs and the desk. She and her predecessor hardly cleaned their bathroom, which was newly renovated but now looks scummy due to all the built up dirt (I've talked to them about cleaning, but they're so bad at it). What really surprised me was how wasteful they all are. They show no compunction for conservation and use SO MUCH water and electricity. I highly doubt that's their normal habit back home. But hey, since they don't have to pay the bills, it's like a free for all.

The hardest part was when there's mismatch in expectations. One of our au pairs had the least number of hours (20+ a week, with a handful of weeknight and weekend hours). I gave her a gym membership card (this was before covid). She was free to go to the gym and take English classes during the day when the kids were in school. I thought it was a decent deal for her, but no, she was unhappy because most of her friends were working during the day (they work the full 45 hours), so her schedule did not align with theirs and she was pouty. It was an emotional roller coaster b/c when they're happy, the whole household is happy, but inevitably there comes the moody parts and you have to move mountains to make them happy again. Otherwise you'll have a moody young woman on your hand and it is, by far, the worst part of hosting.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Thank so much, I really really appreciate insight from the experienced hosts.

I hadn't considered how logistical "keeping them happy" can be, but it definitely makes sense.

[Anonymous]

OP,
An Aupair costs so much more in emotional overhead than a part time $25/hr nanny. It’s another person living in your home that you need to manage.
While there are benefits with some flexibility for childcare hours, the drawback is trying to find an Aupair willing to work off hours or a schedule that changes.
Hidden charges, contracts which are biased towards the company and risky for the family, unpredictable visa and personality risks involved. Unless you need 45 hours of childcare and an Aupair has a ton of pros for your family, it’s not worth the cons.

[Anonymous]

Our HHI is the same as yours and I think an au pair is out of reach for us. I think you could organize your day better though. Like why don’t you stop the baby off at the daycare the same time as taking the 4yo to preschool?

[Anonymous]

I've posted before but PP just reminded me of the visa issue. This is an especially challenging time for the au pair programs. We have been extremely lucky in that we were able to get an in-country au pair at the beginning of the pandemic who stayed with us through this past summer. We paid way more than the normal rate b/c of the severe shortage of in-country au pairs and host families are offering insane incentives to get someone in-country.

The search for the next au pair was very stressful as the pool of candidates is just very tight. A lot of countries have trouble with visa appointments. I focused my search on Asia and matched with a lovely au pair who already had a visa. On the day of her flight to the US she found out that her home country had put in an emergency exit restriction due to covid and she had to apply and wait for a permit just to leave the country. We waited with her and she did get here after 3 weeks. But it also meant that I had to scramble to cover for child care for those 3 weeks. I pray that the situation improves next year, but it will take time, for sure.