New Host Parent Question
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Anonymous
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Hi Everyone!
We are going to be first time host parents around May of next year. We’ve done a ton of research and feel like we have most things figured out. I had two odd questions and I wasn’t sure how to navigate it. I apologize if advance if people asked these before. 1. I (HD) have a gym type setup in the basement in addition to a Peleton. I’m almost always covered up but I HATE wearing a shirt when doing yoga as well as cycling. Is it a problem to do that and go straight to the shower after or is that going to make an AP uncomfortable? If I must wear a shirt then of course I will but I sincerely hate the feeling a drenched shirt. Obviously I’m wearing shorts and all that. Just the top and it’s the only time I’m ever shirtless when not in my room. I’d like to think it wouldn’t be a problem, but thought I’d get your opinions. 2. I have a medical marijuana card to help with a condition I have. How exactly do I bring this topic up. I’m not planning on doing so during interviews because it’s not appropriate in my mind. That said, at some point it’s going to need to be brought up. How would you navigate this? Insights appreciated. I want to do the right thing here so I really do value your input so I don’t end up making any faux pas. As a male, I want to make sure I can do everything possible to make them feel comfortable as this is their home too. I’m approaching this with the mindset of if it was my daughter, how would I feel. Thanks in advance! |
Anonymous
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1) Not a problem in my eyes. However, is the gym right next to AP's room and there's high chance of her seeing you working out there? Just check with her to make sure her comfort levels are ok with it.
2) I'd bring it up after she's arrived, during your house orientation. Good time to bring up the gym attire then too. |
Anonymous
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Thanks for the quick reply!
The Au Pairs room is on the top floor by ours. We are in a townhouse so we are going to be very fourth coming with the layout so they know it’s city living quarters and not a huge house. There would be no reason to go to the basement while I’m workout out unless she was doing her own laundry but I can work around that if she’s in the middle of using it. She’s welcome to use our equipment too and we plan on getting her cycling shoes (if she wants) so obviously if she was working out I’d wait my turn so it’s not awkward. I like the suggestion of bringing both up during orientation! |
Anonymous
| Wear a robe - I think its yucky to be shirtless and sweaty when you pass someone in the hall. This is part of being a roommate. |
Anonymous
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OP - you seem so perky it is making me nervous, this is a pretty cynical board!
Seems like you are happy to discuss, so I would be open and make sure she understands that you legally use pot before she matches with you. Imagine if she comes from a cultural perspective that doesnt understand this? Why wait to spring it on her? That said, would you be smoking/consuming in front of her? If so, why? If not, why is this relevant to her? I agree with PP - put on a shirt or robe. Its not fair to put this ball in her court, of course she will feel pressured to say "no problem." I am a woman and would feel uncomfortable. You cannot "ask" your AP these questions and expect an honest answer, you have all the power so its not fair. |
Anonymous
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OP here:
I’m chalking up part of the excitement to being a first time parent and still having some hope haha. We also think the programs got some really great aspects and we are all about the cultural exchange. I speak French fluently so trying to get more of a foothold with language. At the same time we want to make sure our Au Pair can make the most of the experience and really have opportunities to travel and learn new things. Knowing infants aren’t everyone’s cup of tea we are really focusing on people looking for that age range. These are all fair points. I think at the very least I can invest in a robe and should really just bite the bullet and buy workout shirts and deal. Can’t have it all. Last thing I want to do is put someone in an awkward situation. I didn’t even think of the power play. Which is exactly why I turn to outside views. Def would not be smoking or consuming in front of her. But let’s be real, marijuana does have a scent even in a vape. I’ll have to think on this one some more. I do get what you’re saying though and don’t take it lightly. |
Anonymous
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Great questions! I’ll just chime in on the medical marijuana part. My DH has one as well and smokes daily. That said, he’s discreet and does it when the kids are asleep or away. He does not do this in the house - just in the garage or on the deck.
I was beyond stressed about what the AP might think of that, but she really didn’t care (that’s her personality though). |
Anonymous
| Can’t you vape or use edibles for your MM? Just FYI many “liberal” EU countries are surprisingly uptight about weed usage. You might be unpleasantly surprised by the reaction to that. |
Anonymous
I think if you will be smoking weed you should bring it up in the interview, especially if she is requesting a non-smoking family. I have zero problems with people using weed or doing drugs but the smell of weed makes me super nauseous and I would not be able live in a row house if someone was smoking on the deck every day. |
Anonymous
They might be uptight, but this is a cultural exchange, and culturally, the US is becoming more progressive around marijuana policies. That said, the vape/edible suggestion is a good one, but I’m guessing it’s not OP’s preference since he raised the question. OP I do think it would be good to disclose if the smell could impact your OP. |
Anonymous
| Ok, so you are a drug addict. And, refuse to wear clothing... you should not have anyone living in your home and really shouldn't be having kids. |
Anonymous
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I'm assuming if these are your only concerns, you are definitely a new host parent and don't know what you are about to get yourself into.
If your aupair comes from europe, they will probably be able to discuss the better types of marijuana with you and which ones are the best. There are nude beaches in europe and men regularly wear speedos. Why would your aupair see you on the way to the shower? Wouldn't your children see you as well? Why would your aupair be hanging out why you are on the peloton? Our aupair was out the door to hang out with friends as soon as she was off work. She wouldn't be hanging out waiting for you to finish cycling. It would be like her own Dad getting high in front of her which is also not appealing. I would bring up good roomate like behavior with her but I don't think either of these issues are going to be the long term problems that you need to interview for. |
Anonymous
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Workout in the basement without a shirt. Put a shirt or robe on before you go upstairs.
Vape outside. Make sure the AP knows that you have a medical reason and that they can’t just APs for no reason (unless they have a medical condition). |
Anonymous
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1. Most countries that APs come from are less uptight around body issues than most Americans. A 20-year-old German is most likely going to be unfazed as you walk to the shower in shorts. Actually, your home gym set up sounds great and I would note the Peloton as a perk.
2. Fellow card-carrier here. I would bring up MMJ prior to matching, but not in an initial meeting. Most will not care, but you want to know up front if you happen to be talking to someone in the minority that is put off for whatever reason. At this point, I would posit a majority of APs are headed to areas where recreational use is legal or decriminalized anyway (between WA, OR, CA, MA, CT, NY, NJ, DC, VA and IL I assume that’s most APs). It’s part of the exchange at this point. |
Anonymous
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I agree that you need to tell her before you match if you smoke weed. She is going to be able to smell it.
The smell is disgusting. |