Nanny -- concerning note to self

[Anonymous]

We've had our nanny for 2.5 years. We are overall very happy with her and the kids love her. She is flexible, reliable, and a great fit for our family in many ways. She has been a nanny for 10+ years and we pay her accordingly plus overtime, a raise every year, bonus, etc. Overall, we've had a very positive relationship and I really don't want to fire her if I can avoid it, but my gut feeling is telling me otherwise.

The problem: While I was cleaning my son's room, I found a note on a sheet of paper that my son used to write his letters. The note says: "Quit talking. I want quiet." It is her handwriting. I find this note, and especially the tone, very disturbing. Why would someone write a note like that? I've certainly had moments of frustration with our kids when I feel like I need a break or some quiet, but I would never express it in that tone, those words, or write it on paper. Unfortunately this is not coming totally out of the blue. There've been 2-3 times I have heard her telling the kids that they need to lower their voices or be quiet because she has a headache. I didn't like the annoyance in her voice and that she used her headache as the reason for them having to be quiet. I would have preferred if she redirected them or used a less annoyed tone or just took them outside or let them watch a video if she needs a break. Or she could tell me she is not feeling well and take the rest of the day off. While I debated with my husband whether to bring this up to her, I decided it was too petty and I would wait until there was more of a pattern. Now that I've seen this note I am starting to feel that this is a more serious issue and she is really frustrated and annoyed with our kids and it's not good for her or for the kids to continue this relationship.

I go back and forth on whether I am making a big deal out of this note. What do you think? Our current plan is to talk to her, bring up the note, tell her we find this concerning, and ask if she is feeling ok and if she needs time off. Depending on her reaction we would need to make a decision whether we can continue the relationship. Would you do anything different?

[Anonymous]

How old is your son? I think I would ask him about the note first and why it was written. Assuming he is a reliable source

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your son? I think I would ask him about the note first and why it was written. Assuming he is a reliable source

Good idea. Will talk to him tonight. He is 5.5 and he is pretty reliable. It crossed my mind she could have written that for him. He is learning how to read and it’s possible it was meant for him. The writing style though seems pretty messy so it always looked more like something not meant for a child to read.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Is the 5.5 the oldest? How often do you work from home?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are absolutely making too big a deal about this. Children need to develop “theory of mind” (other humans have feelings and needs) and should be told when they’re annoying or when the adult doesn’t feel well. Otherwise you’re raising a child without empathy. And if you think the world is going to speak to your son softly and perfectly all the time your poor child is in for a rude awakening.

[Anonymous]

If your child is just learning how to read and you think it wasn't meant for a child to read....what do you think the note was used for? This just doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

First, I agree with the above about theory of mind and children understanding that other people have emotions and needs.

Second, my four year old constantly asks us to write notes/things down for her even though she isn’t reading. The note may well be to dictated from your child to the nanny or other siblings. Even if it was nanny to child, it’s not that bad but should have included “please”. Just ask the nanny about it.

[Anonymous]

MB here . I agree with you OP this is disturbing . The other posts are coming from rude nannies and trolls . I would definitely bring it up to her and frankly I would be on the verge of firing her . The tone is not appropriate. Especially not for a 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here . I agree with you OP this is disturbing . The other posts are coming from rude nannies and trolls . I would definitely bring it up to her and frankly I would be on the verge of firing her . The tone is not appropriate. Especially not for a 5 year old.

No. I’m the poster who wrote about the theory of mind and I am neither a nanny nor a troll. And I was most certainly not rude.

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny and I find this disturbing. She sounds very cold and cruel and if your kids are young (if the 5.5 yo is the oldest and she has been with you two years), I would worry that they don’t know that the cruelty isn’t okay.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think letting annoyance show in her voice 2-3 times in ten years is “cruelty.” I think it’s “humanity.” The note is odd, but there may be a fairly innocuous explanation (Larlo asked me to spell quiet in a sentence. I wrote it so I wouldn’t say it. Larlo asked me to transcribe what he said, and he said that, so I wrote it. Anything like that.

[Anonymous]

I'd consider the days when you have a headache! It is easy to take breaks as the mom but something us nannies feel guilty about, no matter how long the relationship. Definitely talk about it before firing her. Even use your son to ease into conversation (when he is not around). Ex. "My kiddo has been telling me you have been getting headaches!" insert something empathetic here then express how her well being is important to your family and you value her giving 100%. Offer some time off to look into it medically or come up with a plan together for what she can do when it gets unbearable in a way that works best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I suggest installing a nanny cam and watching the footage before you decide how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

So what happened OP?

[Anonymous]

Ask your son how often she uses this note.