Au pair on vacation question

[Anonymous]

We have had au pairs for years and are pretty experienced host parents, but we haven’t vacationed with an au pair for a while because of having a newborn and then Covid. When I created our au pair’s schedule for this week, I mostly put her on in the mornings so she can help me with all three kids at the beach. One is still a toddler and the other two are under 8 and it doesn’t feel safe to watch all three by myself. Then, we have put her on for a few evenings so that we can go out to dinner together or meet friends who live here for dinner. Add in the travel days where we always count as working hours and we have used all 45 hours.

We are vacationing in a pretty cool place and the times she is not working is when we do other things (kayaking, trip to an island, wild life park, etc.). I have no problem taking her along on these trips but don’t know if asking her to come will feel like I am asking her for extra work. Our toddler, especially, will not understand that she is around and he can’t ask her for help. Our au pairs over the years have all been the kind who worked their hours and then disappeared into their rooms or off with their friends, which is fine with us. At home, this au pair is the same and we rarely see her when she is not working. I assume that she would still want her downtime now and haven’t been inviting her to come along. She doesn’t seem bothered but I would have wanted to come along on the outings when I was that age. What would you suggest? Invite and explain that it’s her choice entirely if she wants to come or just let her have her free time. I guess my concern is that she will come and feel like it wasn’t her choice and we are trying to squeeze extra work out of her.

[Anonymous]

Offer it, but make it clear that it's up to her. In your situation, I would offer a small amount (maybe $30 for the week?) to defray the cost of other activities, since it sounds like the AP won't have any other time to herself if she doesn't want to go with you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are at a resort, so she can use all the resort amenities when she isn’t working (pools, gym, etc) and the resort has a free shuttle around the area to take her to town or the beach or a shopping area. I don’t think it’s a matter of her not having other things to do. But, she won’t get to see as much of the wider area if she doesn’t tag along with us.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the poster above. Invite her but make it clear that she’s under no obligation. I’ve found that my au pair likes to go on our outings and she seems happy to lend a hand. But I always emphasize that it’s not required.

[Anonymous]

I kind of understand this. Our au pairs have always declined any offer of going with us to events or activities outside of work hours. I used to offer when we were doing fun things or cultural activities or seeing a local place that tourists like to go to. But, they never say yes when we are at home, so our dynamic is that they work their hours and then have free time outside of those hours to do as they like. When we travel, I don’t try to upend that dynamic. I always let them know what we are doing and, if they ask, they can come along. But, I figure that they are adults who can choose how to spend their time and most of them want to watch Netflix and get coffee more than they want to go to pumpkin patches and wildlife centers. I get it. I was in my 20s once and those things would have been lame to me as well.

[Anonymous]

Would it be possible to offer her a list of the scheduled activities ahead of time?

"Larla, these are the outings we're planning to go on this week. We will be going during your 'off duty' time. You're welcome to join but I don't want you to feel obligated, especially since little Susie may want extra attention from you. We don't want you to feel like you're working extra.
Monday - kayaking
Tuesday - trip to an island
Wednesday - wild life park

If you'd rather stay around the resort, we completely understand. There's a pool, gym, and shuttle to these areas. If you'd like to join us for any of the activities, please give us X amount of notice."

[Anonymous]

Invite her. It sounds to me like she gets the boring hours of supervising on the beach and watching the kids in the evening. And when you go do stuff that costs money you leave her out. She doesn’t have the money to pay for this stuff on her own time so you should include her.

[Anonymous]

Are u a single parent? If not and your spouse is available for the outings, maybe he could help you out on the beach sometime and have her hours be when you do something fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are u a single parent? If not and your spouse is available for the outings, maybe he could help you out on the beach sometime and have her hours be when you do something fun.

I’m not a single parent, but my DH is working full time while we are on vacation. I really do need her with me on the beach since two of the three cannot swim. I did give her a heads up as to what we are doing this week and told her she’s welcome to join us. So far, she has declined, which is what I expected. I will keep letting her know just in case something strikes her fancy.

[Anonymous]

We always offer au pairs to join us on family outings when we are on vacation. They are adults and they can (and frequently do) say “no.” But I don’t think that they would ask if I did not offer. Of course the kids will be there and they will ask to sit on au pair’s lap or will want to hold her hand. That’s part of being a family on a family outing. None of our au pairs ever complained. And if they don’t like this dynamic, they can just say no the next time we invite them. The difference between being home and being on vacation is that au pair does not know anyone but you when you travel. So even if your au pair typically disappears once she is done with work, I would still invite her when I travel. Have a great trip, OP!