Au pair watches me clean
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Anonymous
| Hi everyone. We are a first time host family (got in at beginning of pandemic) and in general we are very lucky to have an au pair who is good with our kids, mature, and ok to live with. She does one thing that drives me effing batty but at this point I am not sure it’s worth it to address since she is leaving soon and we still have a bit of desperation in child care needs so she continues to have a lot of power in the relationship (eg she could just go home since she’s vaccinated and covid rules suck). Here’s what she does: if she joins us for dinner which I cook or buy, she hangs in the kitchen with me WHILE I CLEAN. I’ve started just going upstairs with the kitchen dirty so she will leave because it is so maddening! I don’t expect her to be a cleaner but we all live here and if people are cleaning you should too. She will do what I ask if I say something like “can you hand me DD’s cup” or “can you pick up those socks by you” but she doesn’t keep going from there. It drives me insane. I want her to want to hang out with us but she is also very lazy and only does what we explicitly ask. I think if asked to help clean she would just not eat with us. She does help when it’s a “fancy” meal, aka holidays. For au pair #2 we have a lot of changes to make it how we set expectations... |
Anonymous
| Our au pair did some things like that but same situation as you, it's not worth the battle. You have to choose them wisely, if she's otherwise good with the kids then just let it go. Poor yourself a glass of wine and just keep it roll, or go upstairs so she leaves then clean. You could also jokingly say, "hey you're hanging out, I guess that means you want to clean with me? ". But honestly, I would just let it go even though it bugs you. |
Anonymous
I think you are right, but man, it grates! I will give the joking a try though I am a pretty terrible joker when I’m annoyed  I am going to make a point to ask our next au pairs what mealtimes are like in their homes and get a sense of what their dynamics are with their parents. Lots of lessons learned on this one.
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Anonymous
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Put this in your handbook that you share with prospective au pairs! We ask ours to empty the dishwasher every day and to help clear the table after meals she shares with us.
Her emptying the dishwasher is actually huge for me - makes a big difference to getting after dinner clean up done quickly. |
Anonymous
| We had an au pair who would fly away as soon as she was done eating--just get up from the table. if you are eating with us, then you are expected to 1) sit with us, 2) help clean up as a family member. I don't care about covid rules and desperation. we don't deserve this kind of behavior. I would keep assinging her more clean up tasks after meals |
Anonymous
| Our AP has a separate kitchen. She doesn't clean up after dinner - I also put stuff in the dishwasher, but she has a water bottle and a portable lunch carrier that can't go in the dishwasher, so she just leaves it in the sink unwashed. I mentioned it to her, and she didn't stop doing it - so I started carrying it downstairs to her sink. Magically she started washing them. |
Anonymous
Stop cooking and serving her. |
Anonymous
| PP is right about picking your battles. We've had two aps so far and know friends who've had them too, and all the ones we know about have been terrible at cleaning and picking up after themselves. We have it in our handbook about cleaning after a family meal, but half the time we have to rewash everything b/c they do such a piss poor job of it. I've learned to overlook these issues as long as they're good with the kids and mature about communications. |
Anonymous
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Former AP here. I always helped out settling the table, cook or clean up afterwards. This is what you do, whether you're an Au Pair, a friend/guest/family member ...
She probably had a mom back home that served everybody and cleaned up as well. So this girl never learned to help ... Next time, add in some rules in your handbook and you'll be fine 
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Anonymous
| I made it an explicit rule: if you eat with us, you help us clean. I expected her to do at least what I expected of the kids: bring plates to the sink. put things away in the fridge, etc. I didn't expect them to clean the pots and pans but they certainly could do other things while I did. |
Anonymous
I think I will make an explicit rule for next au pair . We have really little kids so they maybe bring a plate to the sink and meals are 10 minutes long. It would be easier if everyone was cleaning I think. Really appreciate all this feedback everyone - OP |
Anonymous
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If a child is old enough to walk to the table, they’re old enough to bring one (scraped) plastic dish to the counter/sink area. This is my expectation of everyone, and it’s crystal clear. Kids start emptying the dishwasher at 2-3 (silverware), and as people can reach higher, they do higher dishes.
Currently, twin 5yo take care of the colanders, kids’ dishes, silverware, cutting boards, and serving utensils. The 9yo takes care of knives, the can opener, the vegetable peeler, dinner lates, water glasses, and water bottles. I take care of snack plates, bowls, mixing bowls, plastic storage containers, the blender, the juicer, the food processor, the mixer, the rice cooker, teacups, coffee cups, and platters. It takes about 3 minutes for the four of us to empty it, start to finish. The children are capable of emptying the table while I put leftovers into containers, then they put them in the refrigerator while I load the dishwasher. Again, it takes under 5 minutes. The parents don’t eat with the kids and usually aren’t in the area when they eat. Look for an AP who is used to doing things around the house AND is of the opinion that children will rise to expectations. -Live-in nanny |
Anonymous
Agreed. She probably never had to do it herself before. Just ask nicely, and show her everyone is expected to help the clean up process. Even the kids ... |
Anonymous
| This seems outrageous to me. Am I crazy? We’ve had 3 au pairs and they have all done the dishes every night after dinner. I’m of the opinion, she’s got a car to drive, has her own suite downstairs, doesn’t have to clean the house, has any sort of food/snack she wants, I do all the shopping and cook dinner every night. She better be doing the dishes, she lives here. |
Anonymous
| Definitely I will go for rematch. What stress to be dealing with these issues. I can see is acting like she is a "5 Star Hotel" where she can get maids, food, car and everything at her feet. Worst no paying for nothing; neither at least try to help a little. Clearly she doesn't have any boundaries with her host family. |