Au pair tragedy

[Anonymous]

We love our au pair. She came to us in August on her extension year. She’s wonderful and everyone in my family thinks so. About 3 weeks ago her grandmother died. She has been ill but her death hasn’t been expected. Our au pair was very sad, we tried to give her space but also made sure she knew we were here for her. She’s very open and we talked a lot, I spoke with her family when she was talking with them, we helped her observe some of the rituals of her culture, etc.

Then, last week, very suddenly, her mom died. It turns out she had covid but everyone there thought she was just grieving her mother and didn’t get her any help. Obviously it was a huge shock. On the day it happened our au pair was planning to go spend the next week in our second home with her 2 closest friends (we’d been quarantined as had they, everyone got covid tests and was very safe). They were spending NYE together and just going to relax.

Our au pair decided she wanted to be with her friends so I drove her to be with them and we checked in with her every day. I went to pick her up today, as planned. She is functioning, but still seems in shock for sure, which is completely reasonable. She said she isn’t really sleeping and only falls asleep at 5-6am. I told her to take it easy this week and that we know this is extremely difficult (both Dh and I have lost a parent, me very recently, but we at least were able to be with them). She’s quite angry with her mother’s family and feels like they are to blame for her death (from the facts I know I tend to agree).

I’m not sure how to proceed going forward. What should my expectations be regarding her duties? She is adamant that she doesn’t want to go home. If she left she of course wouldn’t be able to come back, and she’s always said she is living her dream being here. We offered to buy her a plane ticket if she wanted to go but she absolutely does not. I’m ok with giving her extra time off (though I don’t really want her to be alone and with covid I’m not sure seeing her friends again is going to be possible at least for a while). At the same time, I do need her to help out with the kids - I’ve already taken off their whole 2 week winter break and have also taken most of this week off in order to help her, plus my kids are all remote schooling right now. Should I set an expectation for a date when she returns to a normal schedule? Is that unreasonable?

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

She needs to go home for the funeral. She will always regret not going. She can come back this fall when restrictions loosen up.

Also, you're clearly not comfortable having her care for your kids. I mean, she's getting what - two hours of sleep per day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to go home for the funeral. She will always regret not going. She can come back this fall when restrictions loosen up.

Also, you're clearly not comfortable having her care for your kids. I mean, she's getting what - two hours of sleep per day?

The funeral already happened last week, it was closed to almost everyone because of COVID, and she can’t leave and come back - it’s covid and she’s in her 2nd year. Also, covid is even worse in her home country. So leaving and staying our au pair isn’t an option.

I didn’t say I’m not comfortable with her and my kids. Dh and I are wfh because of covid and I’m trying to figure out what boundaries to set right now. Like having her sleep in and start later or just giving her more time off.

[Anonymous]

Id talk to her and ask her what she thinks makes sense - does she want to slowly ramp up or return to normal on a given day. Let her drive this if you can afford to wait for her to process these terrible events.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to hear about your AP’s mom and grandma, OP. This is so very sad. I agree with the PP in that you should just ask your AP what she needs right now and follow her lead. I know that this is hard on you, too. I hope something can get worked out. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Yes follow her lead. And be flexible if she wants to see friends. Maybe give her several weeks off. Let her quarantine. So sad

[Anonymous]

I'd discuss with your significant other and try to offer a few options for her.

She may be someone who wants to work to keep busy.
Some choices:
-she starts working again full time
-she begins part time again - whether that's letting her sleep in, partial days, etc. If you go this route, offer specific examples. "2-4 is the busiest time of day for me. Do you feel up to regularly working those hours again?"
-more time off

Even if it's something like her working half days for a week, and then having a check in to see how things are going and adjusting as needed.

[Anonymous]

Hi! We have an au pair as well. Are you able to get assistance from the LCC? Giving her time and grace is wonderful of you, but just like any job, you do have to make a plan with your employer. Hoping your LCC is able to help! Also I do believe that some agencies have some options included for counseling and that might be helpful for her.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the LCC. Experiencing a relatable situation now. She may be adamant that she wants to stay, but in a few weeks it will all hit her and she will decide to go home. It's best for you, and well all parties, if it can be planned.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. Last week the kids were fully remote so she sat with our youngest a bit but mostly slept super late and just sat around and FaceTimed with her family. We just let her be. She’s adamant that she doesn’t want to leave. She had a conversation with our lcc on Friday evening and I’m checking in with lcc today. As of last night the ceremonies that have been taking place in the middle of the night are over, so hopefully she can get back to a better sleeping pattern.
My younger 2 are back in school 8:30-3 M-Th this week so I’m hoping she will be able to help with pickup and the afternoon/evening.
I keep asking if she needs anything and checking in with how she’s doing. We did give her 8 days completely off and then she really didn’t work at all last week - which is totally fine - but I probably need her to start helping out this week, at least in the afternoons when I have meetings. Dh is back in full insane work schedule mode so I’m back to basically solo parenting from 7-7.

[Anonymous]

OP - you have been very gracious. It is okay to get her working again. Just set her work schedule with her and tell her what you expect her to do. Routine will likely help her.

Keep checking in with her, but it is ok to have her work again.

[Anonymous]

Send her home. Grief isn’t a few day thing and over the coming months it will manifest in different not good ways.
Btw my mom died when I was 22.

[Anonymous]

I'd give her 2 weeks off for bereavement leave. She can do what she wants with it. Have a conversation with her and offer that. If she has other ideas, I would hear them out.

[Anonymous]

Please, please get her to a grief counselor! How can she know what she needs? She's going to need tools to cope, which she may or may not have--helping her get the tools she needs is vital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please, please get her to a grief counselor! How can she know what she needs? She's going to need tools to cope, which she may or may not have--helping her get the tools she needs is vital.

+1000

Short term anti depressants may be helpful.too. Please get her medical and mental health attention. If comfortable encourage her to take walks with you or a Covid person if she's not motivated to do something on her own. Exercise is so important right now but options are limited.

How is she doing now?