“Fake” Disconnection During Cultural Care Matching

[Anonymous]

We are with Cultural Care and are going through the matching process. They now have a 3-interview-max limit, which I think is good. However, one of the au pairs who we are interviewing just told us that she is “fake” disconnecting with us because she is maxed out. She said that she is still interested in continuing to interview with us, but I guess wanted to open up her profile so that she can meet more families.

I don’t want to write her off, but to me this was a clear sign that she is not interested. I don’t blame her for wanting to interview with multiple families. But this makes it seem that we are not one of her top choices, so why would I waste my time continuing to interview her?

Anyone else experience this - am I rushing to judgment on this?

[Anonymous]

She's looking for something better. I wouldn't match with her.
She could ask for a rematch once at your house.

Former AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are with Cultural Care and are going through the matching process. They now have a 3-interview-max limit, which I think is good. However, one of the au pairs who we are interviewing just told us that she is “fake” disconnecting with us because she is maxed out. She said that she is still interested in continuing to interview with us, but I guess wanted to open up her profile so that she can meet more families.

I don’t want to write her off, but to me this was a clear sign that she is not interested. I don’t blame her for wanting to interview with multiple families. But this makes it seem that we are not one of her top choices, so why would I waste my time continuing to interview her?

Anyone else experience this - am I rushing to judgment on this?

Nope. Obvious perk shopping. She wants to connect with more families to find the "best" host family that offers her the most.

If you don't think she's worth it, then don't waste your time. You shouldn't match with someone who you had to convince to pick your family anyway.

[Anonymous]

cant blame them for wanting to see what's out there. when I am interviewing, I do the same thing. however, the real question is why is she fake disconnecting from *your* family and not others? this does not show good judgment, especially if she is interested in you. sends the wrong signal.

thank you, next (signed, host mom who has had two years of overly entitled APs).

[Anonymous]

We’ve had the same experience. I imagine in a year or two this will stop happening because the new candidates will not ever know there was once a higher connection limit.

I will say the last one that did this to us desperately wanted to match with us after our interview so don’t take it personally. She was not a good match for us but ended up being really nice.

[Anonymous]

I had way more sympathy when they were maxed out at one (we would actually volunteer to disconnect), but I personally think three is plenty for all parties. FWIW, we just finished matching and we didn't have anyone request this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:cant blame them for wanting to see what's out there. when I am interviewing, I do the same thing. however, the real question is why is she fake disconnecting from *your* family and not others? this does not show good judgment, especially if she is interested in you. sends the wrong signal.

thank you, next (signed, host mom who has had two years of overly entitled APs).

+1 she is probably not that interested in your family and want to see her other options but keep the door open just in case. Next.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the responses (OP here). This was definitely a clear message that we should focus on others who are actually interested!

[Anonymous]

How awful is your situation that you need to bribe someone?

We are a one-mom, one-kid family and i cannot afford to offer any perks. We are on our 4th wonderful AP.

[Anonymous]

Former French AP here.

I don't know if I was naive or if it was a different time but when I chose to be an AP 20 years ago I never thought about perks I would get or if it'd be an easy gig.
I said yes to the first family that contacted me, not knowing you could say no actually.
I never cared about perks, I only cared that they'd be respectful and nice. Which they were

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How awful is your situation that you need to bribe someone?

We are a one-mom, one-kid family and i cannot afford to offer any perks. We are on our 4th wonderful AP.

Op never said anything about having to bribe APs. She asked whether the fake disconnect was a bad sign, and I agree that it is. We have the easiest gig possible and have been hosting 12 successful years so usually APs are falling all over themselves with us. But we do on occasion get an AP who asks for fake disconnect, and I read it the same way you are, OP. I’d move on to those who are excited about your family. I always offer fake disconnect once I’m in a situation enough with an AP that I feel like I know him or her and am interested enough to want to make sure he or she has enough comparison to make a clear choice. But someone asking this of us? I’d move on, personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former French AP here.

I don't know if I was naive or if it was a different time but when I chose to be an AP 20 years ago I never thought about perks I would get or if it'd be an easy gig.
I said yes to the first family that contacted me, not knowing you could say no actually.
I never cared about perks, I only cared that they'd be respectful and nice. Which they were

Social media has totally changed things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former French AP here.

I don't know if I was naive or if it was a different time but when I chose to be an AP 20 years ago I never thought about perks I would get or if it'd be an easy gig.
I said yes to the first family that contacted me, not knowing you could say no actually.
I never cared about perks, I only cared that they'd be respectful and nice. Which they were

Social media has totally changed things.

It's also a different generation, and young people who wish to have an international experience have so many more options now. And, yes, social media gives the impression that "everyone" gets all the perks and "everyone" has a light schedule. My family hosted APs when the program first started (late 1980's to 2000, I was one of the charges), and none of the APs hesitated about the working hours at all. And it was not an easy job...plenty of 45 hour weeks. My parents did the best they could given their schedules. The APs were off on all evenings and weekends, though, so there was time to socialize and take classes.

[Anonymous]

Things have changed a lot since the law suit— APs feel much more empowered to negotiate. Part of the settlement agreement was that agencies can no longer advertise the stipend to applicants.