new AP is on a very strict weight loss diet

[Anonymous]

AP arrived a few days ago and she seems great, however I realized within the first 24h that there were something going on with food.

She is definitely overweight and good for her for trying to lose weight, but she barely eats. in the 5 nights she is been here, she had dinner with us once (she barely ate) and one day she only ate one apple (unless she has some food she brought from home in her luggage). This will normally not be an issue for me, but I have noticed a couple of times when I am talking to her that she will get dizzy/lightweight and have to hold something and quickly grab an apple/banana while I am trying to explain things to her. As someone who has successfully and unsuccessfully dieted a few times in my life, I know for sure that only eating fruits and maybe a meager sandwich is the recipe for failure. I am also worried she will collapse while taking care of my kids when I am not around (This almost happened at the playground but she dismissed it and told me it was too hot). My kids are very active.
After she said no to dinner today again I asked her is she was on a diet she said Yes.
I am a lot skinner but I will collapse if I was eating the same quantity she is having.

Is there anything I can do/say without hurting her feeling? Should I just let it go.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her something. What you described sounds like anorexia and that’s a mental health issue. This is not safe for her nor it’s safe for your kids under her supervision.

[Anonymous]

How about having salads and other healthier food. Sandwich bread is not particularly healthy.

[Anonymous]

Call your LCC. This is a safety issue, especially if your kids are younger (won't know what to do/can't call 911 if AP collapses).

You're also likely getting mediocre or bad childcare. AP won't have the energy to be active or be less patient because she's starving.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you need to address this issue. Many of my APs have come here really worried about gaining weight in USA because all Americans are fat and eat burgers and fries all the time.

Hopefully, you do have a healthy eating lifestyle in your home and she can begin to see that and relax about the perception. You say she's overweight to begin with, so perhaps her issues with food pre-date her time here and perceptions about American food. That could also hopefully be addressed diplomatically. "I've noticed your energy doesn't seem to be good and that you don't seem to be eating much. Can we talk about that a little?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that you need to address this issue. Many of my APs have come here really worried about gaining weight in USA because all Americans are fat and eat burgers and fries all the time.

Hopefully, you do have a healthy eating lifestyle in your home and she can begin to see that and relax about the perception. You say she's overweight to begin with, so perhaps her issues with food pre-date her time here and perceptions about American food. That could also hopefully be addressed diplomatically. "I've noticed your energy doesn't seem to be good and that you don't seem to be eating much. Can we talk about that a little?"

It's a pretty well documented phenomenon that immigrants do gain more weight with greater time in the US.

that being said, you can as the PP said, ensure that healthy foods are offered in your home. If she is out with the girls and they keep hitting up fast food, not much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Former AP here.

Don't be afraid to hurt her feelings. While her health is important, the well being of your children is at stake here and that's what's important.

I would talk to her and explain why you are worried.
Offer to help her figure out a good diet for her.
One that will involve good nutrients and vitamins she needs for her health and to be active with the kids.

If she doesn't change I would absolutely go into rematch.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for all the suggestions, will address it at our weekly status check this Friday. First problem is that she hasn't even given us the chance to show her what we eat, she had dinner with us once

[Anonymous]

Good luck...hope the conversation goes well.

Ironically I was just thinking about this because a good friend of my AP showed up for a visit last week and I hadn't seen her in a while...she's gained at least 20 pounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for all the suggestions, will address it at our weekly status check this Friday. First problem is that she hasn't even given us the chance to show her what we eat, she had dinner with us once

OP, good luck.
When talking to her (if you decide to bring it up on Friday), tell her that she has to meet her Basal Metabolic Rate. Otherwise she will a) not be able to function and b) she will gain it all back quicker than she thinks (and it will! bring friends). My BMR (old and fat though) is more than 1,600 calories. At 20 (and the weight I had at 20) it would still have been over 1,500. If you eat healthy, that's a shitload of food. Ask her to google it. Or google it for her and show her pictures of how much she has to eat just to cover what her body needs for her to function and keep her healthy. If she is overweight, she will still lose weight on 1,500 calory diet.

I agree that she is most likely worried about gaining weight. Many APs do. New food is exciting. (Processed) Food in the US is also hiding an amazing amount of calories where you wouldn't expect it; HFCS is the devil, if you ask me. And serving sizes (when dining out) are ridiculous. She might also be trying to use this change in setting (new sourroundings, new family, new friends, new structures, new dynamics) to make changes to her weight and diet. There is nothing wrong with this in general. If that's the case she just doesn't seem to have a clue on how to do it in a healthy way and may need help to get her on track.

If she doesn't eat, she can't work for you. However, you also don't want to push her into bulemia because she feels she has to eat in front of you and then feels she needs to get rid of the calories. The question is really WHY she is changing her diet to be the way it seems to be right now and if it's really only out of worry or because of an underlying mental health issue (in which case she might be better off at home).
There is, most likely, no way to approach this with a young female you don't know well without hurting her feelings though. While there may be more or less diplomatic ways to handle it, you will tread on her toes no matter what you do. Still, do not let it go (that would risk both her and your kids' well-being and safety). Depending on where she comes from, just be blunt (don't beat around the bush with a German). If you know she is more sensitive... how about asking her to help you prepare dinner (or lunch)? Schedule her for dinner preparation, make her cut the veggies or fry the fish? So that she understands what is going into her food and what she is putting into her body?

Or of course she might simply be home sick and not have an appetite... maybe approach it from there? You have noticed she doesn't seem to be doing well and doesn't seem to be eating much? Some APs also don't feel comfortable just eating the HF's food (I know, I know... people are odd) because they still feel like a guest in the beginning and don't know what they may take, how much of it or when it's suitable to do so. Some APs, especially those who are online a lot, also read posts as we have here... "my AP ate all the [x] last night, what can I do to make her stop?"... that does not generally help. Uh. Food issues are just difficult. So sorry for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for all the suggestions, will address it at our weekly status check this Friday. First problem is that she hasn't even given us the chance to show her what we eat, she had dinner with us once

OP, good luck.
When talking to her (if you decide to bring it up on Friday), tell her that she has to meet her Basal Metabolic Rate. Otherwise she will a) not be able to function and b) she will gain it all back quicker than she thinks (and it will! bring friends). My BMR (old and fat though) is more than 1,600 calories. At 20 (and the weight I had at 20) it would still have been over 1,500. If you eat healthy, that's a shitload of food. Ask her to google it. Or google it for her and show her pictures of how much she has to eat just to cover what her body needs for her to function and keep her healthy. If she is overweight, she will still lose weight on 1,500 calory diet.

I agree that she is most likely worried about gaining weight. Many APs do. New food is exciting. (Processed) Food in the US is also hiding an amazing amount of calories where you wouldn't expect it; HFCS is the devil, if you ask me. And serving sizes (when dining out) are ridiculous. She might also be trying to use this change in setting (new sourroundings, new family, new friends, new structures, new dynamics) to make changes to her weight and diet. There is nothing wrong with this in general. If that's the case she just doesn't seem to have a clue on how to do it in a healthy way and may need help to get her on track.

If she doesn't eat, she can't work for you. However, you also don't want to push her into bulemia because she feels she has to eat in front of you and then feels she needs to get rid of the calories. The question is really WHY she is changing her diet to be the way it seems to be right now and if it's really only out of worry or because of an underlying mental health issue (in which case she might be better off at home).
There is, most likely, no way to approach this with a young female you don't know well without hurting her feelings though. While there may be more or less diplomatic ways to handle it, you will tread on her toes no matter what you do. Still, do not let it go (that would risk both her and your kids' well-being and safety). Depending on where she comes from, just be blunt (don't beat around the bush with a German). If you know she is more sensitive... how about asking her to help you prepare dinner (or lunch)? Schedule her for dinner preparation, make her cut the veggies or fry the fish? So that she understands what is going into her food and what she is putting into her body?

Or of course she might simply be home sick and not have an appetite... maybe approach it from there? You have noticed she doesn't seem to be doing well and doesn't seem to be eating much? Some APs also don't feel comfortable just eating the HF's food (I know, I know... people are odd) because they still feel like a guest in the beginning and don't know what they may take, how much of it or when it's suitable to do so. Some APs, especially those who are online a lot, also read posts as we have here... "my AP ate all the [x] last night, what can I do to make her stop?"... that does not generally help. Uh. Food issues are just difficult. So sorry for you, OP.

Thanks for this! She ate diner with us last night (maybe because I directly asked her if she was dieting the night before?). But now I am back at work and cant see if she is eating enough or not, I will still bring it up tomorrow. She needs to know that she can't take care of the kids while hungry. I can probably help her with her diet as well. For example she uses lot of Ketchup for the little things she does it!

[Anonymous]

I would stay out of it. Offer food, ask if there is other food she prefers that you can provide. It may be diet, it may be cultural, or it may be what she wants to do. Coming down on her like a controlling parent is not going to help the situation.

We had an au pair who said that their big meal back home was lunch and she hardly ate much for dinner. My father (American) doesn’t eat lunch. My spouse doesn’t eat breakfast. I would be a crazy bitchy mess if I missed a meal. Everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stay out of it. Offer food, ask if there is other food she prefers that you can provide. It may be diet, it may be cultural, or it may be what she wants to do. Coming down on her like a controlling parent is not going to help the situation.

We had an au pair who said that their big meal back home was lunch and she hardly ate much for dinner. My father (American) doesn’t eat lunch. My spouse doesn’t eat breakfast. I would be a crazy bitchy mess if I missed a meal. Everyone is different.

OP here, I get your point. But she did say she was dieting and she also told me her biggest meal is lunch. I would not get involved if I didn't experience her losing her balance a few times and quickly grab something to eat.