Three weeks left and smoking...

[Anonymous]

We have 3 weeks left with our AP before she goes on her travel month. She's been a good Au Pair: organized, responsible, good with the kids (not great, but good), and we generally have had very few issues. The one time we did have to have a sit down talk was around leaving the car overnight at different places when she went out with friends and ended up drinking and not wanting to drive home. We thanked her for being responsible to not drink and drive but asked that she not leave our car in random neighborhoods overnight in the future....take Uber or the bus both ways. Well....that did not go well. She was super defensive and upset and didn't talk to us much for a few weeks. She got over it...but she definitely didn't like being confronted.

She told us about 3 months in that she sometimes smokes when she is out with friends which I really didn't care about at all because I could never smell it and when I was 22 years old I would also smoke a few cigarettes per year when I was out with friends drinking and it didn't ever "stick" and make me a hardcore sober smoker.

Anyway, everyone in our family has noticed her smelling like smoke the last week or so...or smelling like she's put on a ton of perfume to cover a smoke smell. I don't think she's smoking in the house, it's just on her clothes and hair I guess.

I am torn about confronting her given the 3 weeks left and her horrible reaction the last time I brought something up....but I also find the smell super gross. The perfume covering the smoke is probably worse than the smoke! And I don't want her room to smell like that when new AP arrives.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

What was wrong about the car that was parked in a neighboorhood? Your car could be stolen in your own frontyard anyway. I understand she was upset and defensive because it just doesn't make sense.

I wouldn't mention the smoke, soon she'll be gone anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was wrong about the car that was parked in a neighboorhood? Your car could be stolen in your own frontyard anyway. I understand she was upset and defensive because it just doesn't make sense.

I wouldn't mention the smoke, soon she'll be gone anyway.

This is not the point! Every family have their rules and some have car curfew you like or not. Anyway OP, you are in a though position, I would just pray for a quick 3 weeks. My previous AP was great until 3 weeks before she left and it seemed like she didn't care much about what we wanted. So you might confront her and she will keep doing it because she will be gone soon. Let is go.

[Anonymous]

Suggest laundry tips for getting the smoke smell out of her clothes.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you could do a very gentle confrontation in the context of a general meeting. Sit down for a pre-exit meeting, discuss some of the good things, discuss some of what she's looking forward to upon departure, remind about other things that need to be handled before she leaves, and throw in some comment like "we have been smelling cigarette smoke and perfume a bit more strongly lately. We'd appreciate it if you please try to tone that down a little."

Otherwise, yeah, let it go. It's hard though. I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was wrong about the car that was parked in a neighboorhood? Your car could be stolen in your own frontyard anyway. I understand she was upset and defensive because it just doesn't make sense.

I wouldn't mention the smoke, soon she'll be gone anyway.

Some neighborhoods are safer than others, you must realize that!?! Also, OP should have a zero tolerance policy for any alcohol or drugs when driving the family vehicle, so if AP plans to have even a single glass of wine, she needs to take an Uber.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone so delicate that we have to walk on eggshells!?! She should ABSOLUTELY NOT smell like cigarette smoke on the job, or in your home. It’s not acceptable at all when working with children, period! Yes, I would have a “gentle” but direct conversation, which would really just be two sentences. “AP, we’ve noticed that you are smelling of smoke lately. If you choose to smoke cigarettes it needs to be done away from the home or vehicle and you need to be freshly showered with clean clothes while here and with the children.” No conversation needed, no need to sit her down, just be direct but do it in passing. No arguments to be had from her, no need for any response from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was wrong about the car that was parked in a neighboorhood? Your car could be stolen in your own frontyard anyway. I understand she was upset and defensive because it just doesn't make sense.

I wouldn't mention the smoke, soon she'll be gone anyway.

1. My car, my rules.
2. We park our cars in the garage.
3. Some of these neighborhoods were sketchy and/or had parking restrictions and she got a couple of tickets (which she paid).
4. My car, my rules.
5. My car, my rules.

[Anonymous]

My AP doesn't get my car. She gets an expensive Metro/Bus pass.

[Anonymous]

We have a car curfew of 1am.

Our 5th AP has a BF 45 miles away and now I wish I had a mileage rule too as she is racking up 400 miles a week now going to see him.

As for the smoking, if she smells like smoke when she is working I would definitely say something...not sure of your kids age but I would offer to let them leave early if they have checked out.

My AP has 6 weeks left and is doing great, but even with a strong finish I would be fine if she wanted to leave...more that I cannot wait for a break from ANY AP (I have a month between current and next).

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Your house your rules. Is anyone in your family asthmatic? This would not fly in our home. You can confront her. If she gets defensive she is welcome to go home