AP says, if this continues, I don't know if I want to stay.

[Anonymous]

So my son didn't have a great day yesterday. He's 9. He was whiny/sassy yesterday, but not crazy, over-the-top from what the au pair told us. Some things she needs to let roll off her back and others she needs to give him a consequence and follow through. And he did apologize to her before the end of the day -- without a parent demanding it. Not saying that excuses everything, but he recognized his behavior and apologized, which is pretty good for 9.
I told her I would talk to him, which I did this morning. I tried to give her some strategies as well.
Then she drops, if this continues, I don't know if I want to stay for 5 more months.
I said I think we need to calm the conversation down a bit.
We've had other au pairs, but this is the first time we have gotten this far into our year and still fear that the au pair may pull up and leave. (There's that first month or two where they are adjusting, getting past homesickness and cultural changes, but then things settle).
Do we just have a sit down conversation and try to get her to commit? How do you handle that kinda bomb. Just a long frustrating day for her too so pump her up and tell her she can do it.
We already have our next au pair lined up so it becomes finding someone that fits in the time frame.

[Anonymous]

So she is been with you guys for 7 months and she drop this? Wow my guess is she is probably thinking of rematching for whatever reason. You should probably just talk to her and ask her what is going on? Tell her you were very surprised by her reaction and take it from there. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How old is the AP and is the sassy behavior new? Our 19yr old German au pair informed us our 10yr old son was making it impossible to do her job because he was challenging her opinions and generally behaving like a tween (intermittently - he is otherwise a funny, charming, helpful kid). So she decided this was unacceptable and she needed to rematch.

Zero skills or willingness to learn how to manage tween issues. Saw it only as “he doesn’t like me” and “he is disrespectful”. No ability to let it roll off her back, correct behavior, or move on without losing it.

[Anonymous]

She's early 20s. I just thought she was ready to commit to a year. She needs/likes a lot of reassurance.

The sassy behavior is not new and not extreme. He's a 9 year old boy testing the waters and occasionally needs to be reminded to check himself. But overall, he really is a good kid.

I just have this sense of unease. I would prefer that she suck it up and just carry on for the year. but... that's a big line to drop.

Can you imagine saying that to your boss? I once saw a boss fire someone for using a line like that (he just said - you have other options and I welcome you to take them now). Wowza. That's not what I'm going for here, but I get where he was coming from now.

[Anonymous]

Involve the LCC---just by giving them a heads up. Many APs take this behavior personally (and parents too for that matter, but thats a different issue).

Suppport her as much as you can--tell her what she did well---tell her you get frustrated too.

[Anonymous]

At some point, when are you going to find excuses to your ill-bred child ? You put up with the behavior because that's your child. She's just an au pair. In a few months she'll be out of your life and on with hers. You will have to manage a tough teenager, just because you didn't react properly when someone warned you (that's what she did). But you won't listen and prefer to think your child is perfect and that she's at fault ... This is not the right path.

[Anonymous]

I meant : "to stop find excuses".

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP.

I have a difficult child as well and my au pair is really good at dealing with him. I have had two in a row that were able to deal with him and use our techniques.

I also had one up and quit on me because of his tantrums a couple of years ago. Most of his anger is at me, the mom, vs anyone else.

Have you worked on strategies that help him diffuse? Talked to your pediatrician? I would have a sit down with your au pair and talk about this ultimatum....which it sounds like. I don’t deal with ultimatums. I would address it head on. Ask her what about it bothers her the most and what else needs to be done , from her perspective. If she’s that uneasy, it’s better to let her go, than try to coach an unwilling participant. You all are partners in helping your child. It takes a village. If she is unwilling or petulant, she should go.

You can find a rematch or maybe temp care until your new one arrives, but make sure your new one is savvy with tantrums. This is why I only match with AP’s with younger siblings, or especially younger brothers.

Address head on and don’t hope she’ll forget about it..

[Anonymous]

She had teaching experience so I was kind of surprised.

And he's not having a tantrum really, but he was definitely pissy yesterday. I don't know if the time change was an issue or what.

Some of her complaints were that he didn't zipper up his jacket the whole way when she asked him to. He also has a step tracker that he is obsessed with. He was walking around the kitchen, living room and dining room. She was distracted and asked him to stop. He didn't. Annoying? Yes. Signs of a big issue? No.

She can do this job. The kids are in school most of the day. She just needs to let some smaller things go so she is not more annoyed when there is something bigger. She said he was rude to her in the afternoon on something else. I told her she should have set a consequence, given him a warning and then left the park to come home if it continued. She didn't want to leave the play date and disappoint the other kids (not really my concern to be honest).

sigh...

[Anonymous]

She should not have to deal with behavioral issues, you as the parent should.. Step up and parent. Don't just talk to your child. Give consequences. Rude for the afternoon. No electronics the next day. Simple. You still need to parent your child.

[Anonymous]

Breathe 14:02... I did parent and give consequences.

I also think it is unrealistic to think that children will be perfect every day. Adults have bad days too. Any au pair expecting children to be perfect will have a rough year.

And it's unrealistic to think that an au pair shouldn't step in and deal with issues on the spot -- just as a teacher, coach, etc would deal with discipline issues at the moment. Most au pairs need/want tools on how to handle the children in their care.

I think it's more about having realistic expectations, and then the ultimatum from the AP. The threat didn't match the behavior of the child. It means she's likely been thinking about it anyway and I will need to deal with that somehow.

Hopefully a reset and encouraging/incentivizing her to finish her year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should not have to deal with behavioral issues, you as the parent should.. Step up and parent. Don't just talk to your child. Give consequences. Rude for the afternoon. No electronics the next day. Simple. You still need to parent your child.

Snort. What a ridiculous response! Of course the child care provider should deal with behavioral issues that arise when that caregiver is providing care. That’s how a child learns. By pushingngit al to the parent, you teach the child not to listen to or respect or expect consequences from anyone other than the parent. Perfect way to weaken the au pair’s authority!

Parent should be in alignment with and support the au pair, but it should NOT be solely the parents managing behavior.

[Anonymous]

I wish you could have the new AP come early and send her out the door. If you can get to mid-May, you can probably get a live-in summer nanny (college age) for the months mid-May-mid-August. Find someone with her own car and pay mileage. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

It's worth noting how many stories I've heard of APs holding serious grudges against the young kids they care for, simply because they were being kids on a bad day. A 9 year kid who doesn't want to zip their coat all the way up is not abnormally defiant. I've seen APs overreact when a preschool kid said they missed their mom and wished mom was home- how rude! Living with host family and being akin to a big sibling to the host kids means there will be some not-so-great moments.

[Anonymous]

I would mentally prepare for her to leave and make backup childcare plans. I also don't do well with ultimatums and generally respond by cutting off the relationship so it would be extremely difficult for me not to initiate a rematch. I don't know how you can live with the stress of "if your 9 year old acts like a 9 year old again, I am leaving." He WILL have another bad day.