Lazy Au Pair
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Anonymous
| Our au pair is lazy and barely does the bare minimum. I’ve asked her if she’s read our handbook, sent her a list of suggested activities to do with my two kids, etc but so far no improvement. She spends most of the day on the couch looking at her phone and sometimes falls asleep while on duty. I can’t imagine continuing like this but the thing is she started around the holidays and things are chaotic with lots of family visiting so it’s definitely not our usual routine. But I’m paranoid because if she’s this lazy/checked out while my husband and I are here, I worry that she’ll be like this or worse in our absence and that she will just stick our kids in front of screens until we come home. Any suggestions for getting an AP to show more initiative? Am I headed for rematch? |
Anonymous
| Call your LCC and initiate a "reset" conversation. AuPairMom.com has some great info on this. I'd say something like "Larla, starting X day, we are back to our normal routine and we will expect you to have read our handbook and be ready to do X, Y and Z with the kids every day." |
Anonymous
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Why do you have her work if you're home? That's not nice from you at all.
Then, I would fire a nanny/au pair that sleeps on the job in a heartbeat. It's unforgivable. Nanny. (former AP) |
Anonymous
I didn’t realize there’s an (unspoken??) rule about giving your AP days off if you’re home. I’m mostly having her work because she’s new and I want to be able to observe her and see how she’s doing with my kids while I’m home and to be able to train her while I have time off. I’m not sure if she’s checked out because we’re out of our usual routine or if she’s just not that into kids/working. |
Anonymous
(a) Don't "asked her if she’s read our handbook". Sit down together with her and go through the handbook one line at a line. Yes, it is tedious but for some AP, that's the only way. (b) Don't just "sent her a list of suggested activities to do with my two kids". Tell her on Monday, do X and on Wed. do Y and make it very clear that you expect to see the the result of the art and craft project or when you ask the kids, they can confirm that AP did indeed take them to the park or library or whatever activity was scheduled. For some AP, it is hyper-prescriptive because they are not proactive. If you need a proactive AP who takes the initiative or just don't want to micro-manage, then rematch and find an AP who will take the initiative. (c) If you see her "most of the day on the couch looking at her phone and sometimes falls asleep while on duty", what do you do? Do you immediately wake her up? When she is on the phone, do you immediately say something? Tell her where to keep her phone while on duty that is acceptable to you. (d) I tell my AP that even when I am home, if AP is on-duty, then she is the primary childcare person and is the one to jump first when the kids needs help. If my kid comes to me, I turn him around and send him over to the AP. I train both my kid and AP on what is expected when AP is on-duty and mom is home. Some AP step back when the parents are home - could be out of deference (positive) or laziness (negative). If it is deference, just make it clear what her role is when you are home and make her comfortable that it is okay to step in and give her the authority to be in-charge when she is on-duty, regardless of who else is at home. (e) Has she been sitting the kids in front of screens or just your worry? If she has not yet, then clarify and describe what you expect her day with the kids should be like, when she is alone with them and emphasize no screen time, if that's a rule for you. If she is already doing it, then step in and turn the screen off and pull the AP aside away from the kids and tell her immediately. Corrective action is most effective in the moment when it is most relevant. |
Anonymous
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We never ask our AP to work when we are at home, and if you read around this board, you’ll see that professional nannies also often refuse to work when parents are home. Your plan to “observe” makes some superficial sense but you’re not really gleaning any information. Your AP and the kids don’t have a relationship or rhythm yet and even if they did, your presence would disrupt it.
Put simply, it’s possible that you do have a bad/lazy AP but nothing you know at this point tells you one way or another. Agree with PP that you should have expressly sent her out with the kids to do an activity. The mood when they got home would have given you some hint about how she’s working out but again, they don’t have a relationship yet, so that still wouldn’t be much indication. |
Anonymous
| Of course, you need to spend some time training a new AP. Read through the handbook together. Show her how to work the laundry machines and other appliances. Give her a chance to ask questions. Be sure to talk about your house rules, leave policy and holidays as well as the work related things. Leave her with the kids by herself for a few hours while you are in another part of the house. If the children are old enough, ask them about her activity level. Just be aware that children usually miss the old AP some (even if you don't). |
Anonymous
There's no unspoken rule. It's just common sense. She doesn't need you around to bond with the children. How could they if they all feel you're around to check what they're doing ? You can observe her when you're all having dinner or by asking the children about their day with her. There are tons of opportutinities to check what they're upto by not being nosy. Just imagine having someone on your back at your own work, it can be a pain. It looks like she just got to your house and is still jet lagged. Have the reset conversation asap and tell her to sleep what she needs to sleep on the weekend but that she needs to be 100% on from when school's back. It also looks like she needs to be directed. Give her a set schedule and leave a day without any activity and ask her to come up with something (an outing, special art and craft, anything, give her ideas or website links she can check). |
Anonymous
This is not true. A brand new AP will try hardest in the beginning. Especially when she knows she’s being watched. Yes, the AP will form their own relationship and rhythm. But this is the time they should be sucking up to you and the kids to show they can do it. You need to make it clear that they’re working even if you’re taking time off during the holidays. Otherwise, you’re right and they’re not going to do anything when you’re at work too. |
Anonymous
Nannies and APs don't want HParents at home when they are working only if they have something to hide. I work from home twice a week. I make that clear during matching. I have had no problems with APs performance in this regard. |
Anonymous
You are wrong. I am a nanny (and former AP) and don't have anything to hide to my bosses. But I don't like working with parents around because children will act out and I can't be myself with the kids : who likes to sing and play like a 3yo when you're being watched ? Working from home is fine as long as you stay in your office and don't disrupt your nanny or au pair. Just like she will respect your work and not knock at your door to ask you something about the children if she can manage by herself. |
Anonymous
...lol. My kids are worse behaved when even both my husband and I are in earshot of each other. Of course they make life harder for nannies/APs when we are around. |
Anonymous
Nope! I don’t like parents micromanaging me or kids who misbehave while trying to get a parent’s attention. ~Nanny |