New nanny?

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. I could use some advice. I have two kids, one baby, one 2.5 year old. Baby is well taken care of so for purposes of this post I will only refer to 2.5 year old. We have a wonderful nanny who cares for her. She doesn’t speak English well but we work past that by communicating heavily via text. My 2.5 year old is a very difficult child. My nanny is a huge pushover. Let’s her do whatever and bribes her with screen time, candy, snacks, etc. I ask her ALL the time not to do this but my daughter is a handful so I get it. She’s taking care of two kids and sometimes the bribes are the only thing that gets my daughter to listen. She’s adores my daughter though and my daughter is crazy for her. My parents keep telling me that nannies aren’t meant to discipline but provide safety and happiness, which our nanny does. I just can’t help but feel like some of my daughters behavioral issues are a result of the nanny. On the weekends we manage her pretty well, although we do or course have some battles. I just wonder if the nanny needs to go despite her loving my daughter dearly. She makes her laugh and my daughter trusts her and their routine. Am I crazy to keep this nanny? Really looking for advice here, not bashing me saying I’m an idiot for keeping her employed. I do fear that I will get a new nanny who my daughter doesn’t love as much and doesn’t listen to either. Maybe my daughter is the issue not the nanny? In an ideal world I would have a nanny who would reprimand my daughter when she’s out of line. My daughter knows she can walk all over our nanny.

[Anonymous]

MB here.

IMO a nanny is absolutely meant to teach, enforce rules, discipline, etc... - just as I or my husband would.

Bribing my child isn't allowed.

Using candy and screen time as rewards aren't allowed.

A nanny who intentionally/willfully disregards our direction about how to manage our kids will not remain our nanny.

Your daughter is not the problem, the nanny is. She's not a wonderful nanny at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here.

IMO a nanny is absolutely meant to teach, enforce rules, discipline, etc... - just as I or my husband would.

Bribing my child isn't allowed.

Using candy and screen time as rewards aren't allowed.

A nanny who intentionally/willfully disregards our direction about how to manage our kids will not remain our nanny.

Your daughter is not the problem, the nanny is. She's not a wonderful nanny at all.

This!

My current family had a routine for kids watching tv every night, so the parents were fine with me changing it a conditional part of the routine; they may watch, but only after everything is done (and the youngest is 5, not 2.5 or younger).

Nannies should NEVER bribe, especially not with candy or tv. The reason I reported your post in the thread in the parent forum to Jeff was that this is a nanny issue, not an issue with your daughter. Yes, your daughter’s behavior needs to be changed, but if her behavior with you isn’t like this, it means that you just need a new nanny.

With that said, when you’re hiring the next nanny, you need to look for several things. You need someone experienced with two children of differing ages, and able to balance those different needs. You need a nanny experienced with starting with a child with major bad habits from the last nanny, and you need to crystal clear about what the issues are. You also need someone who speaks the same language you do; if you speak something other than English, that’s fine, otherwise you need decent English for communication.

This nanny sounds like she’s great with infants, but she’s just not competent with toddlers or preschoolers. That’s okay, she just needs to recognize that and be ready to move on when it’s time.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of all the candy in your house, and a 2 year old should not be doing AND screen.
Tell your sitter the new rules. Or else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of all the candy in your house, and a 2 year old should not be doing AND screen.
Tell your sitter the new rules. Or else.

*ANY

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the responses. I am going to setup some interviews and take all the above into consideration. I think you are absolutely right, she’s great with babies not toddlers. Pp- we don’t have candy in the house. Our nanny buys it and keeps it in her purse. My daughter mentions that nanny gave her xyz and nanny plays dumb. Thanks again for the wake up call! -OP

[Anonymous]

You probably also need to up the pay. If your nanny doesn’t even speak English then I can only imagine what you’re paying. Pay peanuts, you get monkeys. This isn’t a nanny, it’s a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

We are paying her $20/hour. It’s fair.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your nanny is that wonderful if she can't discipline a 2 year old and resorts to bribes.

[Anonymous]

A nanny’s role to work with the parents to raise the children, not simply love the children! Candy and screen time are insane at this age! My assumption, as was PP’s, is that you are paying a low wage and getting what you paid for, a warm body. I cannot imagine not being able to communicate with the person you chose to raise your child. I cannot imagine choosing a person to raise your child when they don’t share the same parenting philosophies. You can get a person in your daughter’s life who can properly teach her, and you should. Your current nanny should stick to infants/babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are paying her $20/hour. It’s fair.

Yes, that absolutely is and you can easily find better nannies at that hourly rate.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

For $20/hr you can get an American who speaks English. Do that.

[Anonymous]

Your nanny must set expectations and manage the child’s behavior to those expectations. This nanny nanny at the gymboree I go to brings an older boy who is a terror, steamrolling other kids, using equipment inappropriately etc. the nanny just walks around telling him “no thank you” like that’s going to stop the behavior, eventually the poor staff have to intervene. Think about what that kid is learning about how much he has to listen, what is expected of him, how to treat adults etc. is that how you want your kid to turn out?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny must set expectations and manage the child’s behavior to those expectations. This nanny nanny at the gymboree I go to brings an older boy who is a terror, steamrolling other kids, using equipment inappropriately etc. the nanny just walks around telling him “no thank you” like that’s going to stop the behavior, eventually the poor staff have to intervene. Think about what that kid is learning about how much he has to listen, what is expected of him, how to treat adults etc. is that how you want your kid to turn out?!

OMG, the stupid "no thank you" people are the WORST. I hear this periodically and am always thinking WTF....tell the kid NO. There's no thank you about it, just plain old NO, or knock it off right this instant if NO fails to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny must set expectations and manage the child’s behavior to those expectations. This nanny nanny at the gymboree I go to brings an older boy who is a terror, steamrolling other kids, using equipment inappropriately etc. the nanny just walks around telling him “no thank you” like that’s going to stop the behavior, eventually the poor staff have to intervene. Think about what that kid is learning about how much he has to listen, what is expected of him, how to treat adults etc. is that how you want your kid to turn out?!

OMG, the stupid "no thank you" people are the WORST. I hear this periodically and am always thinking WTF....tell the kid NO. There's no thank you about it, just plain old NO, or knock it off right this instant if NO fails to work.

I say, “No thank you” to my charges. Not always, but sometimes. The thank you comes with the expectation that they listen. I don’t always say it and I always follow through on expectations, but your judgement of me is very inaccurate and I am not the worst.