Kid hates AP
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Anonymous
| We have a problem: my 7 year old daughter absolutely hates our AP. My 10 year old daughter loves her. The 7 year old is a difficult kid: very stubborn, immature (even for her age) but very intelligent, doesn’t have a ton of friends and occasionally gets in trouble at school for acting out. We are working with the school and seeing a counselor and employing some behavioral interventions for her...but in the meantime: she hates the AP. We all really like her in every way except this and she handled my daughter’s behaviors well. She’s firm but not mean (although my daughter sees her as mean). What to do? I don’t want to rematch but it seems my daughter is miserable with her. |
Anonymous
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There are several things to consider:
-What does your daughter think will happen if Au Pair leaves? Does she realize you'll get another Au Pair, or does she think one of you will stay home with her? -Why do you think she's miserable with the Au Pair? Is it because the AP sticks to the rules? -What does the counselor think? -How long has the AP been with you? Did she replace a nanny or AP your 7 year old was fond of? Based on what you've written, I would not rematch. 7 year old doesn't control the home. |
Anonymous
| OP here: one thing I should clarify is that I’m looking for advice on how to handle this but I feel it’s 100% my dayghter’s Issue. AP is doing everything right. We’ve had 6 APs and she’s been fine with all of the others but something must grind her gears about this one or maybe it’s just her age? |
Anonymous
| You be the adult here, and tell your kid the au pair is here to stay. Period! End of story! Grow a spine. |
Anonymous
Thank you for your compassionate and child-centered response! How shall I grow a spine and force my child to like someone? I’m interested in concrete strategies to improve this situation. My kid is miserable and it’s hard on the AP too. We’ve tried having AP do 1:1 activities with her that she really enjoys and that helps but only in the moment. |
Anonymous
| Maybe she needs more 1-1 time with you. Or, something else is going on but the AP is the primary caretaker so she's getting the brunt of it. |
Anonymous
Can you give an example of what you’ve had them do for bonding that only works in the moment? Maybe we can help with the bonding, so that even when she rebels against limits, she’s able to come back around mentally later. I worked with several kids, some with special needs; building bonds and establishing trust is just as important as modeling and correcting behavior is ways appropriate to that child. Different types of bonding activities work with different kids and situations, so sometimes it’s just a matter of getting the right thing. One of my current charges was completely disinterested in anything I said or did until he realized that not only would I listen to him talk about Pokémon for over an hour straight, I am happy discuss/compare his cards and to help him research. Once we found one thing that interested him enough to let me in, other possibilities opened. |
Anonymous
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You have to look at the situation from a different angle.
She doesn't hate the AP. She hates that YOU don't spend enough time with her. So she comes to hate the person that is "replacing" you ... |
Anonymous
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Thanks for a couple of thoughtful responses. Example of a bonding thing: my daughter loves Halloween and had been saving allowance for decorations. I had AP take her. It’s takes a long time for her to shop so they spent 2 hours at the shop. Came home giggling and smiling but angry again the next day.
Our AP primarily does before school care (wife and I leave the house about 6 so first 1.5 hours of shift the kids are asleep). We are home by 4:30-5 and make dinner while AP is out with them for swimming, gymnastics, soccer, Girl Scouts, etc. AP works probably 1 date night per month. We are not neglecting our kids and using AP more than 25 hours per week except in summer/vacations. Please don’t comment if you’re going to blame us. I genuinely want advice, I don’t care about your judgment. It’s not helpful. |
Anonymous
You are grossly mistaken to think your child needs to like everyone. Tell your spoiled child it's ok not to like everyone, but it's important to learn to get along. How's that for a life lesson? |
Anonymous
Okay, that’s the issue right there. It’s very hard to bond with kids when all you do is enforce morning routine to get them to school on time and homework/drive to activities after school. I’m a nanny, and this is precisely why I only work positions with 40+ hours and/or odd schedules. And when your child knows it’s an activity you don’t want to do that you’re having ap do instead, that doesn’t help. I would suggest scheduling several things on successive Friday nights/weekends. Help her see AP as willing to work with her by rewarding good behavior and pleasant interaction with play dates (proctored by AP). A wonderful week gets an ice cream out for the two of them. |
Anonymous
The point isn't neglecting but she needs more 1-1 time with you.. You may be home early but she is out with the AP, not with you. You describe your kid pretty harshly and that has to have an impact on her when you really don't like her. Or, maybe if kid is in that many activities, its too much and she's tired and just needs some downtime. |
Anonymous
| Honestly it seems that you may need to get your daughter fully evaluated. I don't think this has to do with the AP but with whatever is causing the social issues etc that your daughter is having. In the meantime explain she must be respectful to the AP and tell the AP you are working to get to the bottom of the issue so she feels supported. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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My younger difficult son didnt like out German AP much AT ALL. You know why? Because she didnt cater to his bullshit. She never cracked, never gave in and followed up on consequences. He could not manipulate or badger her to get what he wanted. He learned very quickly that when she arrived, his party was over.
I loved her for that she was 19 when she joined us and was years older in maturity and confidence. He never warmed up completely to her, but he also didnt lead her around d by her nose and did what he was told. |