Nanny vs daycare vs... Something else?

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with finding the right childcare fit and looking for advice.

My son is almost 6 months old and both my husband and I are working 45+ hours a week. We work in DC but moved out to MD two months ago so we have been commuting which means we're out of the house for 55+ hours a week.

I went back to work (2 days a week) at 7 weeks PP and did that until my son was 3 months old. Since then I've been doing full time. He's had a series of nannies at home when we lived in DC and I would come home for lunch and spend 45 minutes with him, breastfeeding and bonding. I didn't have much luck on the nanny department, I couldn't/can't afford to pay DC nanny prices so my candidate pool was not great. When we moved to MD, I didn't have the heart to leave him for 11 hours at home without me so I made the crazy choice of taking the baby to work and that's what we've been doing since. I work in a publicly accessible building near a park and library and I've been having the nanny bring the baby to me for meals. It's been absolutely amazing; I get to work full time but then share cuddles with my little one and, best part, don't have to stress about pumping output bc he only gets one bottle a day so I only pump once in the morning. Unfortunately the current situation is coming to a close bc the nanny is going back to school (she's in college) and also my son is getting old enough that I worry about him not being indoors, napping in a crib, etc. So now I'm trying to find a solution.

The way I see it, I have three options.1) daycare 2) a nanny at home in MD 3) a nanny in DC close to work. The idea of daycare makes me want to cry hysterically and quit my job bc I can't imagine how my sweet little bundle will get the love and nurturing he needs from a woman juggling 7 other babies with only one other person to help. No judgement to any moms out there making different choices (I so SO get it, there is nothing like becoming a mom to wipe away any trace of judgement towards other moms), I'm just having such a hard time with this idea. The second option worries me because I'm away for so many hours that I worry about secure attachment and behavior issues down the line. Unfortunately I will have to pick between these two unless I can figure out a way to make the third option work. The third options requires a comfortable indoor space and a nanny. The good part is I think I found an awesome nanny (she gets along great with my son and is experienced and warm) but I don't know where they could go.

Does anyone have thoughts on this situation? Maybe been in a similar place and can share what they chose to do? Anybody can think of a place (in the Capitol Hill area) where the nanny could watch the baby all day in safe, clean, comfortable conditions? I would be willing to pay maybe up to $200/month for a membership/rent or something but couldn't afford to just rent an apartment bc as it is my entire after-tax-and-deductions salary goes straight to the nanny.

In case it comes up, I don't have great job flexibility in the sense that I have to "do my time" at the office. My immediate supervisor would not be happy if I were trying to work out a more flexible schedule and I feel pretty sure that it would affect my promotion/raise prospects. I'm pretty resentful of this because while I'm just starting out my career (it's my first job out of grad school), I'm a darn good employee and I've worked my butt off to be able to have the kind of job where you get good work/family balance. Not to mention my job is supposedly parent friendly (I was offered fully paid 3 months maternity leave). Maybe this is a normal way to feel for a new mom but overall I'm pretty disillusioned by all my career aspirations. I'm earning 100k a year and almost all of it gets sucked into less than ideal childcare which still somehow prevents me from advancing. Does anyone actually get to "have it all" or is it just a myth? With a household income of 230k you would think we're good but somehow it's still not enough which makes me wonder if there even is an income level above which you can make it work and be a good mom and employee.

Ok, so I had my little rant there but please chime in with thoughts, answers, suggestions, words of encouragement no negativity, please and thanks!

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Get a great nanny close to your home. And I mean really look for the right nanny - someone who will love your child. I feel so good about leaving my daughter because I know how much she and her nanny love each other and how much our nanny is teaching her and exposing her to (Nanny believes in narration, singing, engaging and reading to even a day old baby).

It has been a financial sacrifice for us to pay for a good nanny - but so, so, so with it.

[Anonymous]

Get a good nanny near your house and stop the juggling and nonsense - it isn't good for your child. He needs to be home where he can nap in his own bed and take classes, storytimes, playdates with other kids in the neighborhood. You are making his life chaotic for your comfort - not his. It is important that he knows where his home is and is able to play with his toys on his time.

[Anonymous]

If you get a nanny near your home, how many hours will she work? If it’s 10+ hours a day I would suggest finding a nanny in the DC that is willing to take care of your child in her home. That way, the day will be shorter for a nanny. I mean, of course maybe there is someone out there who will be willing to work 10+ hours a day.
And your household income situation has nothing to do with finding a nanny. Maybe cut down on other “unnecessary” things and maybe it’ll “be enough.”

[Anonymous]

I would leave the baby home in his crib in the morning. Surprised that you have been bringing him to work with a nanny. Where do they spend the whole day? God willing, you will be with him for his entire childhood; you have and will be "bonded." Do your job at work and be a full-time mom when you get home.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for getting a nanny to care for your child in his own home. As your child gets older, he should not be watched in some strange location, but be home to make friends, have a routine and establish a secure base rather than we "watched" in a temporary location. Find a good nanny who will take your child to the library and park near your house, let him nap in his own bed and eat in his own kitchen, play in his own yard and make friends in his neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above: nanny in your home and make sure it is a fantastic fit for the long term. Additionally, the cost of a nanny is high, and could possibly cost more that you bring home if she’s working 50+ hours/week. BUT, this cost is temporary and allows for your child to have a happy and healthy start in life and allows you the opportunity for career growth. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you are so resistant to having a nanny at your house. Are you concerned that she won’t be loving? If you can afford a decent rate and you aren’t getting the dregs then you should be able to find a decent nanny no problem. Is the real issue that you are afraid that he will love the nanny more than he loves you? Because that’s not how it works. Do you love your husband more than your mother? No, they are completely different relationships. Humans can love multiple people and the more loving attachment figures a child has the better. Have you looked at nanny shares near your office? That might be a way to cup costs and reduce the time baby is in childcare.

[Anonymous]

Get a nice nanny or a nice home daycare. Either one is great. Both has pros and cons. Either way is fine.

[Anonymous]

OP your son will be fine. He eventually will grow up, go to college away from home. That's life, it doesnt mean you dont love your child. Cheer up, your doing great and your child away from you will too!
Infants cry, it's part of thier development. If you take early childcare development courses they will teach you that. Its normal.
Give him a nice nanny or a nice daycare, at the end of the day your child will be happy for having a good day and will be so happy to see you too! Dont worry much. He knows you love him dearly but cant stay with him 24/7 and its fine.
Every child at the end of the day wants to see thier parents and that brings them a big smile and love to the family.

[Anonymous]

I am not a fan of daycare so my opinion is slanted. We have a fantastic, loving and reliable nanny in our home (of course!) for my now 2.5 yr old twins. She loves them and they love her. It is quite lovely to see their relationship!

[Anonymous]

Is there a way for you and your husband to stagger your schedules? Example: husband leaves early for work, you're home to greet nanny, you leave, husband comes home in evening to relieve nanny. If it's possible, it can shorten the nanny's days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you are so resistant to having a nanny at your house. Are you concerned that she won’t be loving? If you can afford a decent rate and you aren’t getting the dregs then you should be able to find a decent nanny no problem. Is the real issue that you are afraid that he will love the nanny more than he loves you? Because that’s not how it works. Do you love your husband more than your mother? No, they are completely different relationships. Humans can love multiple people and the more loving attachment figures a child has the better. Have you looked at nanny shares near your office? That might be a way to cup costs and reduce the time baby is in childcare.

+1

[Anonymous]

The problem seems to be with your job and the commute.

I vote try and find a more flexible job and/or one closer to your home. Commuting hours a day isn’t a requirement. Could you move closer to the office so you get an extra 2 hours a day with your child?

Even if you do find a great nanny at your home, it doesn’t seem like you’ll be happy. You need more time with your child and an easier commute. Go and find it.

[Anonymous]

Find a nanny share close to your work, preferably with someone who also wants to come to the house and bond with the baby during their lunch hour. If they host close to your work, it’s the best of all possibilities.