Seeking advice: after you no longer nanny for the family

[Anonymous]

This is very long, sorry; you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I've been a nanny for a long time, and I've worked with several families long term (3-5 years). In most cases, when my long term nanny positions ended, it was because the family moved away, so I wasn't able to maintain a relationship with the family or children. There were a few times when the family remained local and my position ended when their child(ren) started school, in those cases, they hired me for a few date nights here and there for a little while but that gradually tapered off, which was fine because I was ready to move on (and so were they). I've never had a problem saying goodbye to previous charges before, even ones who I had worked closely with for years and had a strong bond with.

But, I'm struggling a bit with a more recent family. They have one DD, M, and I was her nanny from 6 months to almost 4 years of age. In Jan 2016, after having struggled for almost a year with some health problems (I believe the ultimate diagnosis was Crohn's, but I don't know all the details), MB was laid off from her job, and due to her health concerns, she did not look for another job at that time.

MB and DB were in tears when they let me go. They said they were so sad to lose me as I had become like a member of their family. As a long time nanny, I've heard the "you're like a member of the family" line many times before, but never before had it seemed so genuine from the parents and never before have I felt it to be more true myself. MB would be staying home with M and they would be increasing her days at preschool. They said they would have me over as much as possible, because they knew how close M and I were.

They continued to have me babysit about once per month, sometimes for date nights, sometimes daytime on weekends; always paying my normal hourly rate, sometimes including a little extra so we could go on an outing. I really appreciated that they made sure M and I had time together; I realize that money may be a concern for them (after MB was laid off), and they have so many other cheap or free care options for M--they have able and willing local grandparents and an aunt plus their 16 year old next door neighbor who was ALWAYS sending flyers over and asking to babysit, and I know they do hire her sometimes as well-- M is a very sweet little girl and super easy to care for so everyone always wants to spend time with her.

I got married in August 2016 and M, age 4, was the flower girl in my wedding, and it was so wonderful to have her and her parents there. M is in most of the group photos from the ceremony, one of which is framed and hanging in our living room.

For 18 months, from January 2016 through June 2017, they hired me at least once a month for an evening or weekend daytime date. I knew they were traveling for 2 weeks in July 2017, but I didn't hear from them at all from early June until the very end of August, when they booked a Saturday in mid September. When I arrived on that day, the parents told me that MB's mother, who was a huge part of M's life (I worked Tues-Fri when I nannied for them, grandma was with M every Monday), had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was going downhill fast. They said things have been very difficult for them trying to take care of her in her own home, trying to arrange for a nurse or other caregiver, and taking her to doctor appointments, and MB said she had been feeling too exhausted and worried for her mom to go out (understandably). Grandma had always been incredibly sweet to me and I felt just awful for them; I told them I'm so sorry and if there's anything I can do please let me know.

I didn't hear from them in October or November; and the second week of December I realized I hadn't heard from them at all in 3 months. I really want to continue to be a part of M's life, which the parents have told me several times they want, too. I know money could be an issue for them, and I genuinely want to see M, so I sent MB an email, asking how they are doing, and said as a Christmas gift I'd love to watch M for a few hours free of charge if they wanted, and gave them the option of several dates to book it. They said thank you and booked me on Saturday Dec 30th, and M and I had a lovely time baking cookies, playing and reading books together.

The first Saturday of February, MB sent me a text saying something had come up and they had a last minute need for care for M that night. This was very unusual for them; they normally book me weeks in advance, but luckily I was able to accommodate and happily spent that evening with M.

A few days later, MB booked me for Saturday March 3rd. M's birthday is the last week of March, and I was planning to give her a birthday gift when I saw her that day. The morning of, MB cancelled saying she had a cold and was too sick to go out. I figured I'd hang on to the birthday gift and just give it to M the next time I saw her, but it is now almost May and I don't have anything else on the horizon with her. It feels way too late to mail the gift when her birthday was 5 weeks ago, but it makes me sad that she might think that I forgot her birthday.

On March 5th, MB sent me an email saying she had returned to work part time and wondered if I was available to take care of M 3 days a week over the summer. I said I really wished I could, but I am committed to working with my new nanny family 5 days a week (and we had just renegotiated our contract for another year a couple weeks prior). She said she understood and no problem.

That was the last time I have heard from them. I honestly really miss M, and I sadly just realized that in the past 10 months I have spent a grand total of 9 hours with her, and 3 of those were hours I offered for free for Christmas. I was considering offering to spend more time with her free of charge, because I know money may be a factor for them, and I would like to see M, but I'm not sure if I should do that again.

I don't want to be creepy or insert myself somewhere where I'm not wanted, and I have tried to be very careful not to do that (I don't contact them unless they initiate, the one exception being the email I sent in Dec offering a free date night for Christmas; I never go to their house uninvited, I even felt awkward about mailing her birthday gift so I just never gave it to her). On the other hand, we had such a strong bond, and I'm just confused because her parents said they want us to continue to have a relationship but they haven't been reaching out. I know things with grandma are tough and it's possible grandma has passed since I last heard from them or maybe MB herself is having health problems again, but I feel like I can't reach out to even ask how they are doing without being overbearing or possibly making them feel uncomfortable.

I know a few nannies who have continued to play an important role in some of their former charges lives, sometimes even through high school, which is so sweet. I have run into previous charges while out and about a few times, and even those who I worked with regularly for 3-4 years often don't seem to remember me at all just a year or two later. I know that maintaining a relationship or friendship with a former charge doesn't happen often, but I feel like this situation is special both because of our bond, and because of the way her parents have always been so supportive of us spending time together. Right now I feel like we're at a crucial point; if I am unable to see her with some regularity (ideally at least once every 8-12 weeks), so we can maintain our friendship, then the next time I bump into her while out and about I will likely be somewhere between a vaguely remembered acquaintance and a total stranger.

Should I reach out again? Should I offer more free babysitting? Should I try to explain that I want to be able to spend time with M, even if they don't pay me? Or do I have no choice but to just leave the ball in their court and resign myself to the fact that there is a good chance that M and I won't be able to continue our friendship?

[Anonymous]

I think the women's center has Saturday hours. They can help you. They have a sliding scale for people who can't afford their full rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very long, sorry; you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I've been a nanny for a long time, and I've worked with several families long term (3-5 years). In most cases, when my long term nanny positions ended, it was because the family moved away, so I wasn't able to maintain a relationship with the family or children. There were a few times when the family remained local and my position ended when their child(ren) started school, in those cases, they hired me for a few date nights here and there for a little while but that gradually tapered off, which was fine because I was ready to move on (and so were they). I've never had a problem saying goodbye to previous charges before, even ones who I had worked closely with for years and had a strong bond with.

But, I'm struggling a bit with a more recent family. They have one DD, M, and I was her nanny from 6 months to almost 4 years of age. In Jan 2016, after having struggled for almost a year with some health problems (I believe the ultimate diagnosis was Crohn's, but I don't know all the details), MB was laid off from her job, and due to her health concerns, she did not look for another job at that time.

MB and DB were in tears when they let me go. They said they were so sad to lose me as I had become like a member of their family. As a long time nanny, I've heard the "you're like a member of the family" line many times before, but never before had it seemed so genuine from the parents and never before have I felt it to be more true myself. MB would be staying home with M and they would be increasing her days at preschool. They said they would have me over as much as possible, because they knew how close M and I were.

They continued to have me babysit about once per month, sometimes for date nights, sometimes daytime on weekends; always paying my normal hourly rate, sometimes including a little extra so we could go on an outing. I really appreciated that they made sure M and I had time together; I realize that money may be a concern for them (after MB was laid off), and they have so many other cheap or free care options for M--they have able and willing local grandparents and an aunt plus their 16 year old next door neighbor who was ALWAYS sending flyers over and asking to babysit, and I know they do hire her sometimes as well-- M is a very sweet little girl and super easy to care for so everyone always wants to spend time with her.

I got married in August 2016 and M, age 4, was the flower girl in my wedding, and it was so wonderful to have her and her parents there. M is in most of the group photos from the ceremony, one of which is framed and hanging in our living room.

For 18 months, from January 2016 through June 2017, they hired me at least once a month for an evening or weekend daytime date. I knew they were traveling for 2 weeks in July 2017, but I didn't hear from them at all from early June until the very end of August, when they booked a Saturday in mid September. When I arrived on that day, the parents told me that MB's mother, who was a huge part of M's life (I worked Tues-Fri when I nannied for them, grandma was with M every Monday), had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was going downhill fast. They said things have been very difficult for them trying to take care of her in her own home, trying to arrange for a nurse or other caregiver, and taking her to doctor appointments, and MB said she had been feeling too exhausted and worried for her mom to go out (understandably). Grandma had always been incredibly sweet to me and I felt just awful for them; I told them I'm so sorry and if there's anything I can do please let me know.

I didn't hear from them in October or November; and the second week of December I realized I hadn't heard from them at all in 3 months. I really want to continue to be a part of M's life, which the parents have told me several times they want, too. I know money could be an issue for them, and I genuinely want to see M, so I sent MB an email, asking how they are doing, and said as a Christmas gift I'd love to watch M for a few hours free of charge if they wanted, and gave them the option of several dates to book it. They said thank you and booked me on Saturday Dec 30th, and M and I had a lovely time baking cookies, playing and reading books together.

The first Saturday of February, MB sent me a text saying something had come up and they had a last minute need for care for M that night. This was very unusual for them; they normally book me weeks in advance, but luckily I was able to accommodate and happily spent that evening with M.

A few days later, MB booked me for Saturday March 3rd. M's birthday is the last week of March, and I was planning to give her a birthday gift when I saw her that day. The morning of, MB cancelled saying she had a cold and was too sick to go out. I figured I'd hang on to the birthday gift and just give it to M the next time I saw her, but it is now almost May and I don't have anything else on the horizon with her. It feels way too late to mail the gift when her birthday was 5 weeks ago, but it makes me sad that she might think that I forgot her birthday.

On March 5th, MB sent me an email saying she had returned to work part time and wondered if I was available to take care of M 3 days a week over the summer. I said I really wished I could, but I am committed to working with my new nanny family 5 days a week (and we had just renegotiated our contract for another year a couple weeks prior). She said she understood and no problem.

That was the last time I have heard from them. I honestly really miss M, and I sadly just realized that in the past 10 months I have spent a grand total of 9 hours with her, and 3 of those were hours I offered for free for Christmas. I was considering offering to spend more time with her free of charge, because I know money may be a factor for them, and I would like to see M, but I'm not sure if I should do that again.

I don't want to be creepy or insert myself somewhere where I'm not wanted, and I have tried to be very careful not to do that (I don't contact them unless they initiate, the one exception being the email I sent in Dec offering a free date night for Christmas; I never go to their house uninvited, I even felt awkward about mailing her birthday gift so I just never gave it to her). On the other hand, we had such a strong bond, and I'm just confused because her parents said they want us to continue to have a relationship but they haven't been reaching out. I know things with grandma are tough and it's possible grandma has passed since I last heard from them or maybe MB herself is having health problems again, but I feel like I can't reach out to even ask how they are doing without being overbearing or possibly making them feel uncomfortable.

I know a few nannies who have continued to play an important role in some of their former charges lives, sometimes even through high school, which is so sweet. I have run into previous charges while out and about a few times, and even those who I worked with regularly for 3-4 years often don't seem to remember me at all just a year or two later. I know that maintaining a relationship or friendship with a former charge doesn't happen often, but I feel like this situation is special both because of our bond, and because of the way her parents have always been so supportive of us spending time together. Right now I feel like we're at a crucial point; if I am unable to see her with some regularity (ideally at least once every 8-12 weeks), so we can maintain our friendship, then the next time I bump into her while out and about I will likely be somewhere between a vaguely remembered acquaintance and a total stranger.

Should I reach out again? Should I offer more free babysitting? Should I try to explain that I want to be able to spend time with M, even if they don't pay me? Or do I have no choice but to just leave the ball in their court and resign myself to the fact that there is a good chance that M and I won't be able to continue our friendship?

OP: Not sure how this will turn out; I hope you can keep in touch. Maybe just text or email and say you are checking in to see how things are going? Honestly, if they have an ailing parent, health issues themselves, jobs and kids, they probably are a little overwhelmed. Not a lot of time to nurture friendships. That said, I do think your relationship will need to transition to a more social one if you want to continue to be with M. That is, if you want to spend time with her as she gets older because you have a bond of affection, you should expect that your fewer of your outings will be paid babysitting. I guess the way I would see it, if they call you to arrange a babysitting time because they are going out, they pay. If you call and arrange a time and place of your choice because you're missing M, that's social and they don't pay.

[Anonymous]

It's great you were able to maintain a relationship with this family for so long. I don't have any answers for why they're slowly fading away...could very well be related to the mom and/or grandma's health issues.

If it's really important to you, you can always send a text saying you're thinking of them and hoping all is well. If you don't get a response, you might have to accept the relationship has run its course, which I know is really a heartbreaking thought. The unfortunate reality is all nanny-family relationships have an expiration date, some are just longer than others.

Even though we go into every job knowing it will end, even. sometimes knowing when it will end, it's still a little gutting when it actually does end, no matter how hard you try not to let it happen.

[Anonymous]

I have remained a part of my former charge's lives by not charging them for visits and occasional babysitting! I became a family friend when I stopped being an employee. If you are waiting for a paying job to see your former charge, you are not a friend, OP.

[Anonymous]

Once I stop working for a family, I stop accepting payment from them. I visit the kids and help out - but don't accept payment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have remained a part of my former charge's lives by not charging them for visits and occasional babysitting! I became a family friend when I stopped being an employee. If you are waiting for a paying job to see your former charge, you are not a friend, OP.

Pretty much this. If they are really so special I am not sure why you have been so formal about this relationship. I flew up to NY to spend New Year’s with a former nanny family. I am taking another set of former NKs to an event in DC next weekend. Both on my own dime!

For families that really want a lot of actual babysitting, I work it out with parents that when I come over and handle the boring logistics of dinner, bath bedtime so that parents can go to an event it is a job and they pay my rate. But I also, at regular intervals, ask to take the kids for stuff I want to do with them (go see a certain movie, museum exhibit, theme park, beach, hike, etc.). If they matter to you, treat them like people you love instead of employers.

[Anonymous]

Friends don't charge friends for babysitting or visiting. I have maintained very close true friendships with two of my employers' families by seeing the children (and parents) for free. If that is something you cannot afford to do - then that is your answer.

Same with my niece and nephew. Yes, I am a nanny by profession but I don't charge my brother to babysit anymore than I change my past employers whom I want to maintain a relationship with.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with nannies and couldn't tell you any of their names and wouldn't recognize them on the street. Not everyone maintains a relationship with someone they nannied for.

Agree with the point others here made about how friends don't change friends to watch their kids.

Also, people move on in life. What do you expect to have happen if they decide to move out of the area? I moved from one end of the coast to the other, than cross country. I think you need to have a little broader perspective about how lives evolve and relationships change.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for adults who don't know who took care of them when they were little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with nannies and couldn't tell you any of their names and wouldn't recognize them on the street. Not everyone maintains a relationship with someone they nannied for.

Agree with the point others here made about how friends don't change friends to watch their kids.

Also, people move on in life. What do you expect to have happen if they decide to move out of the area? I moved from one end of the coast to the other, than cross country. I think you need to have a little broader perspective about how lives evolve and relationships change.

I have posted this before: I named my daughter after my nanny. Some of us had just one nanny and maintained close relationships after we no longer needed a nanny. This is the relationship I hope my children have with their nanny. Yes, some relationships change and grow apart while others change and grow closer. My nanny stayed very much a part of my heart until her death when I was 28.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 thoughts...1. they seem to have a lot going on right now and trying to ensure you have time to babysit is probably an after thought

2. You say you want it to be a more.personal relationship, but it sounds strictly business. Did you ever reach out and ask how grandma was? You don't even know if she's still alive or not. It sounds like you expect the parents to put all the effort in to maintaining a close relationship and it sounds like they are pretty busy and don't have the time. If you want to remain close, reach out. K

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like a lot of your communications were started by your former MB. Like the other PP said, why didn't you initiate more conversations, even if they weren't about watching the child, just to see how they're doing. And yes, definitely offer to hang out with her for free.