MB talks negatively of me and the child overheard

[Anonymous]

I am babysitting a 6 yo girl who goes to a half day afternoon K, so we spend some mornings together and then I drive her to school. I am not a career nanny but am in between jobs so this extra cash comes in handy. I was recommended to the family by a friend who knows me professionally and suggested this as a gig.
Every morning my charge is supposed to do some math problems. But one day the little girl slept in and after she had breakfast and she got ready for school we didn’t have much time so I suggested to not do math that day but just play a little and get out the door. She got very excited and later told her mom that I suggested not doing math, to which I have explained that we just didn’t have enough time.
So this morning when we started math I noticed that one of the problems she did previously (with her parents presumably) had a wrong answer and asked her to correct it. She started getting really defensive saying that the answer was approved by mom, I said fine, let’s double check it, even moms can make a mistake sometimes! She got very agitated and started saying that her mom knows math because she works as a doctor and I don’t know math because I “do nothing”. I said what do you mean? She said- you are not working. I said I was working part time. She said: but you are looking for a job? I said yes. She went on to say that mom says I can’t find a job because I have “bad ideas”. I asked what bad ideas? She said: well like that time when you said let’s not do math!
I told her that math and work don’t always go together, and it was just that one time when we didn’t have time to do math, but generally it is a good idea to do math (full disclosure: I think that math they are making her do is not age appropriate and she struggles, but or course that is none of my business).
Honestly I was fuming though. Not only do they think they know the reason I can’t find a job, but also they are discussing me in a disrespectful manner in front of a child who is fairly strong willed, always tests boundaries, and always makes a point of telling me how she would prefer to have her mom in the morning and not me (which I get, and don’t take personally, we still have fun and I know she enjoys my company).
I am just venting here and looking for some opinions whether I did anything wrong in this case. Also, WWYD afterwards re: MB and DB? I know kids don’t always report accurately but I want to somehow call them out on their discussing me in front of the child.

[Anonymous]

1. You had no business letting her sleep in and skip math when parents had given explicit directions, unless you have the authority to override parental directives (you don’t) or called for permission (you didn’t).

2. How do you know the math is both age- and individual-inappropriate? I tutor as well as nannying, and most kids are either above or below grade level for in at least one subject. If you are supposed to be helping with supplements to bring her to grade level (or class level if she’s in an accelerated program?), she may struggle. Not your business. If you have concerns, raise them to the parents or quit.

3. Parents should never denigrate an employer to a child as children are incapable of recognizing biases and form incomplete biases. However, mom was mad because you threw her directions out the window, and she used the situation to reinforce that her priority for her child should also be the child’s priority. It’s also possible that the child overheard parents talking, child questioned mom and mom spun the words in as positive a way as she could without saying she was lying before.

4. You are between jobs, this isn’t your career. What level of respect did you expect? You aren’t even tutoring the child, she’s just doing a few math problems with you. While I typically side with nannies who are under appreciated, this seems more like you heard a hard truth.

5. As soon as the child stated that mom checked the answer, you should have dropped it and then either written or emailed mom. The note should have explained that you thought you noticed an error, and daughter said she did it with mom, so you were leaving it for mom to check with daughter, if she decided to do so.

6. You absolutely should not have argued with a child about whether her mother made a mistake or was good at math!!! You shouldn’t have gotten into the whole discussion at all!

7. You don’t seem to realize that kids at that age elaborate and exaggerate what they hear. They also lie and make up stories, especially if they think it will get them what they want (you gone and mom home for mornings). Logical planning is possible, but they are also prone to emotional outbursts, especially when you do something like insult the child’s mother.

8. Stony willed children aren’t a problem, and kids are SUPPOSED to test boundaries! It’s their job! It’s how they learn that the same cause has the same effect every single time! Your job is to make as few rules as necessary, but keep the boundaries firm. Most rules should relate to health and safety, with parental directives filling in the rest. Manners and other social graces aren’t rules, they are things children learn to better navigate through life.

I would suggest finding something else to do, pronto! You don’t seem to understand the basics about this type of position. Good luck finding something better suited to your knowledge and temperament.

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny.

I think you were wrong letting the child sleep in and not do the math.

The parents are wrong criticizing you in front of their child, it's not smart from them. The mom can be a doctor : she lacked common sense in that case.

Most kids think we - nannies - don't work. They don't get it's a job, that's fine, we just don't take it personally

[Anonymous]

02:39 sounds like a complete dick. There was no reason to come at this post like a raging asshole.

Anonymous wrote:1. You had no business letting her sleep in and skip math when parents had given explicit directions, unless you have the authority to override parental directives (you don’t) or called for permission (you didn’t).

First of all, we don’t know that Op was the one to let her sleep in. If that was the case, then that is wrong. Regarding the math, Op stated they just didn’t have the time. Perhaps from now on the parents would prefer their child going to school late instead.

Anonymous wrote:2. How do you know the math is both age- and individual-inappropriate? I tutor as well as nannying, and most kids are either above or below grade level for in at least one subject. If you are supposed to be helping with supplements to bring her to grade level (or class level if she’s in an accelerated program?), she may struggle. Not your business. If you have concerns, raise them to the parents or quit.

Op was just making an observation that the child seems to be struggling too hard. They literally just added that as a quick side note and immediately said it was none of their business. Again, you’re just a dick.

Anonymous wrote:3. Parents should never denigrate an employer to a child as children are incapable of recognizing biases and form incomplete biases. However, mom was mad because you threw her directions out the window, and she used the situation to reinforce that her priority for her child should also be the child’s priority. It’s also possible that the child overheard parents talking, child questioned mom and mom spun the words in as positive a way as she could without saying she was lying before.

You should have left this after the first sentence, as it’s the only thing that’s not bullshit.

There should be no however. Don’t justify the mother’s actions. How can the parents expect their child to respect the person caring for her if she’s not seeing her parents do the same?

Children need to respect their caregivers, because if they see their parents doing the opposite, you can bet there’s going to be a plethora of issues. The child is definitely not going to be listening or behaving for that caretaker if they’ve been taught this person deserves no respect.

This actually also ties in with your #4, where you said:

Anonymous wrote:4. You are between jobs, this isn’t your career. What level of respect did you expect? You aren’t even tutoring the child, she’s just doing a few math problems with you. While I typically side with nannies who are under appreciated, this seems more like you heard a hard truth.

I’m sorry? What level of respect should Op expect? How about the level of respect a person caring for your child in any capacity should expect? How about the level of respect that any decent human being deserves?

Your logic is that since Op’s not doing the one thing they’re going to be doing forever, that deems them undeserving of any respect. So that means every high-schooler and college kid working at a Starbucks deserves to be treated like they don’t matter. To be fair, I think a lot of people have your messed up mentality, so at least you’re not alone.

Anonymous wrote:5. As soon as the child stated that mom checked the answer, you should have dropped it and then either written or emailed mom. The note should have explained that you thought you noticed an error, and daughter said she did it with mom, so you were leaving it for mom to check with daughter, if she decided to do so.

6. You absolutely should not have argued with a child about whether her mother made a mistake or was good at math!!! You shouldn’t have gotten into the whole discussion at all!

I’m sorry, is this person’s job to help the child with math or not? She did the right thing by trying to show the kid the right way to do it. Op said, “Hey, let’s check this answer, everyone makes mistakes!” What exactly is the problem with that? The child is not going to learn if she’s doing the problems wrong.

I think the note/email idea of yours should have come after this discussion they had. Op could say, “I noticed a problem on her worksheet that I think may be done incorrectly. I attempted to walk her through the problem, but she was insistent that you checked it. I just wanted to bring that to your attention in case you’d like to double-check it.”

Op could also take that time to address the disturbing conversation that came after. A conversation that I don’t think Op was wrong for participating in. It’s human nature to be curious and after hearing a child say they do nothing, I’m not surprised Op was intrigued to hear the rest. They deserve to know.

Anonymous wrote:7. You don’t seem to realize that kids at that age elaborate and exaggerate what they hear. They also lie and make up stories, especially if they think it will get them what they want (you gone and mom home for mornings). Logical planning is possible, but they are also prone to emotional outbursts, especially when you do something like insult the child’s mother.

Of course children make up stories! This certainly doesn’t sound like a case of that. I also don’t believe Op insulted the child’s mother. As I said above, Op only said that everyone makes mistakes and they should check it over.

Checking your work and finding mistakes you may have made should also be a part of the learning process. It should also be known that’s its okay to make mistakes.

Anonymous wrote:8. Stony willed children aren’t a problem, and kids are SUPPOSED to test boundaries! It’s their job! It’s how they learn that the same cause has the same effect every single time! Your job is to make as few rules as necessary, but keep the boundaries firm. Most rules should relate to health and safety, with parental directives filling in the rest. Manners and other social graces aren’t rules, they are things children learn to better navigate through life.

Op literally never said the child was a problem. They actually stated the child’s manner as a fact, and then went on to say they understood the child’s behavior. There was nothing negative in their statement.

Op was concerned mainly about the parents saying bad things, making their job harder because now the child has zero respect for them or their job.

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest finding something else to do, pronto! You don’t seem to understand the basics about this type of position. Good luck finding something better suited to your knowledge and temperament.

I agree with your first statement. Get outta there, Op! This sounds like it’ll only go downhill from here. You’re caring for the most precious thing in their lives and they talk about you like nothing?

I think Op sounds like they were doing their job just fine. It’s the parents who don’t understand the basics of human etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Who let the child sleep in? If it was you, not okay. I set an alarm on my phone to remind myself to get the kids up so they don’t sleep in. This might be something to start doing.

If you guys had enough time to play, you had enough time to do math. Even if it was one problem, you had enough time. It’s ALWAYS better to show you put forth effort than not at all. If I was MB I would be mad that you had time to play but not do math. Seriously, one problem would be better than none.

I was working with a family when they were doing through a divorce. Dad was bitter about it all and told one of the children I was a b*tch and if I asked or told them to do something they didn’t want to do, they could tell me to shut up. (Mom found out and was completely embarrassed, and she reminded the kids we don’t speak to people especially the nanny that way) So yes, I know how it feels when the family speaks poorly about you and the kids overhear. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP here with a quick note that the child is allowed to sleep in! And I am concerned the math is not age appropriate because we cannot do the expected 2 pages anymore as the child struggles.
Yes I think a PP who said we should have done at least one problem was right.
What upset me was that the mom discussed why I didn’t have a job - and that I did nothing- why would she even care?! Whatever.

[Anonymous]

I'd get a better job, OP. These people will never learn.

[Anonymous]

OP here: it is a great gig, not every day and a great time and commute. I don’t want to quit but I think I won’t be asking if they need me beyond May 10 unless they ask me if I am available (we now have a schedule until May 10).
I have a lot going on in my life which they have no idea about so I was overly affected by the accusations of doing nothing and having a bad attitude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You had no business letting her sleep in and skip math when parents had given explicit directions, unless you have the authority to override parental directives (you don’t) or called for permission (you didn’t).

2. How do you know the math is both age- and individual-inappropriate? I tutor as well as nannying, and most kids are either above or below grade level for in at least one subject. If you are supposed to be helping with supplements to bring her to grade level (or class level if she’s in an accelerated program?), she may struggle. Not your business. If you have concerns, raise them to the parents or quit.

3. Parents should never denigrate an employer to a child as children are incapable of recognizing biases and form incomplete biases. However, mom was mad because you threw her directions out the window, and she used the situation to reinforce that her priority for her child should also be the child’s priority. It’s also possible that the child overheard parents talking, child questioned mom and mom spun the words in as positive a way as she could without saying she was lying before.

4. You are between jobs, this isn’t your career. What level of respect did you expect? You aren’t even tutoring the child, she’s just doing a few math problems with you. While I typically side with nannies who are under appreciated, this seems more like you heard a hard truth.

5. As soon as the child stated that mom checked the answer, you should have dropped it and then either written or emailed mom. The note should have explained that you thought you noticed an error, and daughter said she did it with mom, so you were leaving it for mom to check with daughter, if she decided to do so.

6. You absolutely should not have argued with a child about whether her mother made a mistake or was good at math!!! You shouldn’t have gotten into the whole discussion at all!

7. You don’t seem to realize that kids at that age elaborate and exaggerate what they hear. They also lie and make up stories, especially if they think it will get them what they want (you gone and mom home for mornings). Logical planning is possible, but they are also prone to emotional outbursts, especially when you do something like insult the child’s mother.

8. Stony willed children aren’t a problem, and kids are SUPPOSED to test boundaries! It’s their job! It’s how they learn that the same cause has the same effect every single time! Your job is to make as few rules as necessary, but keep the boundaries firm. Most rules should relate to health and safety, with parental directives filling in the rest. Manners and other social graces aren’t rules, they are things children learn to better navigate through life.

I would suggest finding something else to do, pronto! You don’t seem to understand the basics about this type of position. Good luck finding something better suited to your knowledge and temperament.

You are crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: it is a great gig, not every day and a great time and commute. I don’t want to quit but I think I won’t be asking if they need me beyond May 10 unless they ask me if I am available (we now have a schedule until May 10).
I have a lot going on in my life which they have no idea about so I was overly affected by the accusations of doing nothing and having a bad attitude

Anonymous wrote:What upset me was that the mom discussed why I didn’t have a job - and that I did nothing- why would she even care?! Whatever.

I’m very glad to hear you’ll be getting out soon! I wouldn’t want to deal with that family any longer than I had to. I don’t think you were overly affected. It’s something to righteously be pissed about! Like you said, they have no idea (nor do they even care) what you’re struggling with in your life away from them.

That mother obviously has nothing better to do than talk shit about somebody who’s helping make her life easier. She’s an ungrateful and ignorant ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with a quick note that the child is allowed to sleep in! And I am concerned the math is not age appropriate because we cannot do the expected 2 pages anymore as the child struggles.
Yes I think a PP who said we should have done at least one problem was right.
What upset me was that the mom discussed why I didn’t have a job - and that I did nothing- why would she even care?! Whatever.

2.39 here. If the parents let the kid sleep in, that’s totally different, and I apologize. I was reacting based on a series of assumptions (letting kid sleep in, choosing play over math, etc), rather than asking for more information. I get so peeved when nannies (and sitters) choose to disregard parent directions, then come on here to defend their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2.39 here. If the parents let the kid sleep in, that’s totally different, and I apologize. I was reacting based on a series of assumptions (letting kid sleep in, choosing play over math, etc), rather than asking for more information. I get so peeved when nannies (and sitters) choose to disregard parent directions, then come on here to defend their actions.

You thinking Op was letting the kid sleep in and then choosing play over math was only a small part of your tirade. That doesn’t excuse or explain all the other ridiculous and, frankly, nasty things you said. Like that Op didn’t deserve respect, that they insulted the child’s mother, that they obviously didn’t know what they were doing, etc...

Oh, but I guess if the parents allow the child to sleep in, then that’s a different story. That changes everything.

[Anonymous]

even if the parents directions were to wake the kid up and force them to do math, kicking and screaming, why would you prioritize math over letting the child get adequate sleep if they need it? they'll be learning at school all day. there's no reason she can't just do it in the afternoon. a single day off is not going to change the trajectory of her life. ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

MB,

I realize that I should have had Larla do a few math problems even though we didn’t have time to do all of them. In the future I will so that. Would you like me to make sure she is up by 7am so that we are guaranteed to have time to complete them? Additionally, in the future I would appreciate it if you would address me directly with any issues you have with my performance or questions you have about my career or life choices as I don’t think discussing such matters with a 6 y/o is beneficial to anyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB,

I realize that I should have had Larla do a few math problems even though we didn’t have time to do all of them. In the future I will so that. Would you like me to make sure she is up by 7am so that we are guaranteed to have time to complete them? Additionally, in the future I would appreciate it if you would address me directly with any issues you have with my performance or questions you have about my career or life choices as I don’t think discussing such matters with a 6 y/o is beneficial to anyone involved.

Haha I soooo wish I could have said that! At least part 2 of the tirade!
The girl said mom was talking to dad
Which to me is even more absurd. Like, it’s their choice to discuss my career?