Protecting and helping a charge through parents marital problems

[Anonymous]

My charge is 4.5 and her parents are currently separated but still seem to fight in front of her when they are together. Yesterday she told me that she had such a bad family. I know her parents are trying but they are hurting my charge with the arguing and upheaval in her life.

How can I best support her?

TIA

[Anonymous]

Let her talk to you. Don’t censor what she says, but try to explain that they still love her. Use language you already use, like bad choices don’t make a kid bad, mean words don’t make a family bad.

Also, let the parents know that she is upset when they fight in front of her. Either they need to present a calm front when together or she needs to be with one at a time.

[Anonymous]

Not your job or problem. They need to do this and to stop the fighting in front of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your job or problem. They need to do this and to stop the fighting in front of her.

OP here and of course it is not my job or my problem. However, I still want to help this child in any way that I can. Obviously, the parents should not fight in front f her - but they do. Nothing I can do to stop it. What I am looking for are ways I can help this child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her talk to you. Don’t censor what she says, but try to explain that they still love her. Use language you already use, like bad choices don’t make a kid bad, mean words don’t make a family bad.

Also, let the parents know that she is upset when they fight in front of her. Either they need to present a calm front when together or she needs to be with one at a time.

OP here. Thank you - that is good advice. And the parents already know how much it upsets her when they fight/yell in front of her (the mother told me that she came home from a birthday party with a goody bag that had two pieces of candy in it and my charge told her parents that each would get one piece of candy as a reward if they didn't fight) but I guess they cannot stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(the mother told me that she came home from a birthday party with a goody bag that had two pieces of candy in it and my charge told her parents that each would get one piece of candy as a reward if they didn't fight)

That’s so sad! I can’t imagine how I would handle this with my own charge. It’s heart-breaking just reading about your situation.

It’s so ridiculous that the parents can’t be bothered to make sure their child is not within earshot when they argue. If they really can’t control themselves, they need to severely limit their time together as a family. That poor baby.

Are they living together still?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(the mother told me that she came home from a birthday party with a goody bag that had two pieces of candy in it and my charge told her parents that each would get one piece of candy as a reward if they didn't fight)

That’s so sad! I can’t imagine how I would handle this with my own charge. It’s heart-breaking just reading about your situation.

It’s so ridiculous that the parents can’t be bothered to make sure their child is not within earshot when they argue. If they really can’t control themselves, they need to severely limit their time together as a family. That poor baby.

Are they living together still?

No, the father is living elsewhere but comes over several nights a week and on weekends

[Anonymous]

Poor little kid.

Be a positive and reliable force in her life. Be more predictable and on schedule than usual. Give more hugs and physical affection and tell her more than usual what a great kid she is. You may be the only stable thing she has right now. Seriously, be as predictable as the moon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor little kid.

Be a positive and reliable force in her life. Be more predictable and on schedule than usual. Give more hugs and physical affection and tell her more than usual what a great kid she is. You may be the only stable thing she has right now. Seriously, be as predictable as the moon.

9.59 here. I agree with PP in theory (tell her you love her and how wonderful she is), but use terms that tell her exactly what you mean. Instead of saying she's great, she's kind, loving, friendly, etc. Her world is coming apart, so she needs concrete examples, not generalities and platitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor little kid.

Be a positive and reliable force in her life. Be more predictable and on schedule than usual. Give more hugs and physical affection and tell her more than usual what a great kid she is. You may be the only stable thing she has right now. Seriously, be as predictable as the moon.

9.59 here. I agree with PP in theory (tell her you love her and how wonderful she is), but use terms that tell her exactly what you mean. Instead of saying she's great, she's kind, loving, friendly, etc. Her world is coming apart, so she needs concrete examples, not generalities and platitudes.

Thank you! Great advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(the mother told me that she came home from a birthday party with a goody bag that had two pieces of candy in it and my charge told her parents that each would get one piece of candy as a reward if they didn't fight)

That’s so sad! I can’t imagine how I would handle this with my own charge. It’s heart-breaking just reading about your situation.

It’s so ridiculous that the parents can’t be bothered to make sure their child is not within earshot when they argue. If they really can’t control themselves, they need to severely limit their time together as a family. That poor baby.

Are they living together still?

No, the father is living elsewhere but comes over several nights a week and on weekends

Oh yeah, we can’t stop fighting in front of the kid but why don’t we get together a few nights a week? How dumb. They need to work out some kind of schedule where they drop the kid off so he/she can spend some time with one parent.

I agree with the pps that said just make sure you’re there for the child. That’s all you can really do right now. Your charge needs some sort of normalcy to cling to and since her parents are hell-bent on traumatizing her, I guess it falls to you.

[Anonymous]

Whoops, I didn’t realize you had specified a gender! Ignore the “he/she” in my comment above ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor little kid.

Be a positive and reliable force in her life. Be more predictable and on schedule than usual. Give more hugs and physical affection and tell her more than usual what a great kid she is. You may be the only stable thing she has right now. Seriously, be as predictable as the moon.

9.59 here. I agree with PP in theory (tell her you love her and how wonderful she is), but use terms that tell her exactly what you mean. Instead of saying she's great, she's kind, loving, friendly, etc. Her world is coming apart, so she needs concrete examples, not generalities and platitudes.

Thank you! Great advice!

+1. Also use words that promote resilient. She has a tough road ahead of her.

[Anonymous]

Tell the parents not to argue in front of the kid.

Yes. Tell them. That would help the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the parents not to argue in front of the kid.

Yes. Tell them. That would help the kid.

OP here. I have told the parents. They cannot seem to stop.

This past week I focused on telling my charge specific qualities that I loved/admired in her and she would beam with pride! I gave lots of hugs - more than usual - and continued to reassure her. The father is away on business this coming week and I am happy that my charge will have a peaceful week at least.