Au Pair - Messy and Dirty

[Anonymous]

Au Pair is super messy and dirty. We have a cleaning service that comes every two weeks, I explained the cleaning service will clean her room but that she would need to tidy it up. She never does so they don't clean her room. When she was on vacation, I told that I would need to clean her room because I don't like the house (i.e., her room being dirty). I thought it was more of a courtesy to let her know I'll be in the her room. I don't usually enter her room. While cleaning her room, I filled two trash bags full of trash. I also found a bunch of dirty glasses that had been used but never brought back to the kitchen or dishwasher, there was old boxes from stuff she had ordered, candy wrapper under the bed, etc. I tied it up and threw out anything that was trash. If I wasn't sure if something was trashed, I piled in a box. The room got cleaned. Now that the weather is warmer, I asked her to please clean out the car she uses. This is an old car we have that she uses to drive the kids around but also for personal use on the weekends, when the kids are in school, etc. Her idea of cleaning out the car was to take her stuff out of the car (shopping bags, empty fast food bags). She didn't vacuum or wipe the dashboard, and she did not clean out any of the kids stuff in the back. I usually clean up after my children but because she uses this car more for personal reasons than to drive my children around since they are in school, take the bus to and from school, and only do one activity each after school, I would expect she'd have the courtesy of cleaning out the car every once in awhile.

I give her money for gas every week. However, whenever I use the car (most of the time, it's to move the car to a different parking spot so I can pull out of the driveway in the morning), the car is often very close to empty. I explained that it's not good for the engine to drive the car on empty and that I'm worried she'll break out on the road because she runs the risk of running out of gas. That I would appreciate it if she would gets gas with the gas money I give her and keep the tank at least 1/2 full.


For those who have had this problem, how do you deal with this issue? Do I just let it go since there's 7 months left?

[Anonymous]

Make a checklist, and schedule 1-2 hours a week for her to clean her room and the car. There really are no consequences in the AP program for not completing tasks during work hours, but if you need to, tie it to a privilege (using the car on the weekends would get attention). You can also ask the LCC to just mention it at the monthly meeting as a reminder to respect HF property. I include things that are important to keep up with weekly so the room doesn't get too gross (our cleaning person does not do bedrooms), and then have some quarterly and seasonal things as well. The sheets need to be washed every 7-10 days, vacuum, mirrors windows, wipe down dresser if they apply a lot of products that create build-up, take out trash. We never go in the AP room except to rotate the mattress every quarter, but that gives us a chance to see things.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a terrible housemate. I would have a reset conversation, write down explicit requirements, if she hasn't turned the ship around in two weeks then pull the plug.

[Anonymous]

I 100% agree on working the cleaning into her 45 hours. While baby is napping or kids are at school, etc. Make a check list and have her check it off. She is on duty until it’s finished.

Our AP was doing a crappy job of putting kids clothes away. We only use 30 hours per week so I told her that I could add some additional hours to her schedule to give her more dedicated time to put the laundry away. Suddenly laundry was put away perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a terrible housemate. I would have a reset conversation, write down explicit requirements, if she hasn't turned the ship around in two weeks then pull the plug.

Do you think her kids to endure another "adjustment"?

[Anonymous]

“It seems like you are having a difficult time keeping up with cleaning your room and the car. Let’s sit down and talk about how we can organize your work hours better to ensure you have time to do this”.

Then walk through her 45 hour work week and offer very specific times where you want her cleaning the car and her room. For example:

- 1 hour on Mondays and Thursdays after she drops kids at school.

- 1 hour during kids’s screen time on Tues and Friday after schooll

- Every other week bring car to car wash while kids are at karate

- etc. lots of options. You need to spell it out for her.

[Anonymous]

Could she be depressed? These could be symptoms of depression.

[Anonymous]

I would not have cleaned her room while she was gone but rather with her being present and helping. Might have done her good to actually see the mess/trash heaved up together as it doesn‘t usually feel as bad when scattered around. From your description, I don‘t believe that she feels any courtesy or shame regarding cleaning/tidyness. Even my chaotic au pairs (and they were never that messy) would clean if I let them know someone was going to enter their room (mechanic etc). Maybe she would feel some shame put on the spot by you since she was hiding candy wraps under the bed? In case you didn‘t document the state of her room and the trashbags you pulled out, I strongly recommend to start now and also send follow-up emails on this to your LCC. I fear you might be in for something more than mess.

I once had an au pair who had a comparable mess in her room and had all her clothes (that were indeed very dear to her) on the floor and wasn‘t even able to keep her documents in shape. As she was from an Asian country and not from a wealthy family at all, the thought of depression entered my mind already at a very early stage. What shall I say, the state of her mind resembled her room. She was depressive, spacey, hysteric, didn‘t make any friends, forgot everything I showed/explained to her, developed anxiety (noises in the house, muslim women wearing headscarves) and started playing house in my kitchen by cooking up gigantic amounts of food which got thrown away. After leaving a boiling pan with food on the stove unattended (she was on a different floor) and setting of the fire alarm, I pulled the plug. Literally. Ended contract (we‘re in Europe) and turned of electricity for stove for the rest of the time (microwave was available).

Cleaned her room after she left. Found many foreign packs of meds, googled them and they were not only for mental disorders.

Honestly, I don‘t think you should have to schedule an au pair to keep her room and hp belongings in a hygenic and orderly state. They are supposed to be the third adult in your household.

[Anonymous]

I would not schedule any of the 45 hours for AP to clean her room. I am not "paying" an AP to keep her own room clean. That's pathetic. What I would do is have a reset conversation with her. I would ask her which day or evening next week or weekend (when she is off) that she will have 1-2 hours available to clean her room - and give example of what needs to be done in exhaustive detail - maybe even a cleaning checklist if that's needed. I will tell her that I will be there and check the cleaning afterwards. I have in my handbook that my AP needs to keep her room and bathroom clean. I will tell her when I see a nasty toilet bowl that she needs to clean it TODAY. I will ask her if there is any problem or challenge that she is having or is missing certain cleaning supplies that is causing her from keeping it clean.

I came back to a dirty greasy stove and immediately asked her to come to kitchen and show her the mess and asked her to clean right away. Another time, she went on vacation and left a greasy stove top for me. I had to clean it since she will be gone a week. Before I cleaned it, I took video and photos to show the before and then more photos to show the after, to demonstrate what she left me with and then what a clean stove looks like. Another time, I cleaned half of something and left the other half untouched - then showed the AP the difference. She was actually embarrassed.

I have enough cleaning of my own mess. AP is not my child that I have to clean up after. I am several AP in. I let go of very few things now. I find that the more I sweep it under the rug, the more the AP will let things go unattended, and the more I will get annoyed. I used to not say anything until too much accumulates. Now, every time something is not right, I tell the AP immediately. There is no more letting it go for me.

OP, you are way too nice to go and clean up the AP's own bedroom. I would have given her some trash bags, some cleaning supplies, some cleaning gloves, and said I will come back in 2 hours to check on her progress.

[Anonymous]

We purchased a new bed for AP. We told her when we would change out the beds. She was out that afternoon. When we changed out the bed, underneath was disgusting. Dirty tissues, tons of candy wrappers, dirty socks, dust balls, hair balls, etc. I swept it into a big pile and left it in the middle of her floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We purchased a new bed for AP. We told her when we would change out the beds. She was out that afternoon. When we changed out the bed, underneath was disgusting. Dirty tissues, tons of candy wrappers, dirty socks, dust balls, hair balls, etc. I swept it into a big pile and left it in the middle of her floor.

Love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Au Pair is super messy and dirty. We have a cleaning service that comes every two weeks, I explained the cleaning service will clean her room but that she would need to tidy it up. She never does so they don't clean her room. When she was on vacation, I told that I would need to clean her room because I don't like the house (i.e., her room being dirty). I thought it was more of a courtesy to let her know I'll be in the her room. I don't usually enter her room. While cleaning her room, I filled two trash bags full of trash. I also found a bunch of dirty glasses that had been used but never brought back to the kitchen or dishwasher, there was old boxes from stuff she had ordered, candy wrapper under the bed, etc. I tied it up and threw out anything that was trash. If I wasn't sure if something was trashed, I piled in a box. The room got cleaned. Now that the weather is warmer, I asked her to please clean out the car she uses. This is an old car we have that she uses to drive the kids around but also for personal use on the weekends, when the kids are in school, etc. Her idea of cleaning out the car was to take her stuff out of the car (shopping bags, empty fast food bags). She didn't vacuum or wipe the dashboard, and she did not clean out any of the kids stuff in the back. I usually clean up after my children but because she uses this car more for personal reasons than to drive my children around since they are in school, take the bus to and from school, and only do one activity each after school, I would expect she'd have the courtesy of cleaning out the car every once in awhile.

I give her money for gas every week. However, whenever I use the car (most of the time, it's to move the car to a different parking spot so I can pull out of the driveway in the morning), the car is often very close to empty. I explained that it's not good for the engine to drive the car on empty and that I'm worried she'll break out on the road because she runs the risk of running out of gas. That I would appreciate it if she would gets gas with the gas money I give her and keep the tank at least 1/2 full.


For those who have had this problem, how do you deal with this issue? Do I just let it go since there's 7 months left?

Inside our AuPairs bathroom door and bedroom door is a laminated checklist and a expo marker velcro'd to it. I'm very clear that the list must be complete by every Monday night because the house cleaners come on Tuesdays. I absolutely WILL NOT have a filthy room in my house. For the first few weeks, I physically spot check her room and bathroom. I'm not a timid HM, so I have zero problems hovering while an AuPair cleans her space. However, they know my deal and fall in line, it has never come to that.

We offer a very good package and the AuPairs know it and don't want to risk losing a good thing. WE also match with Germans, and I've found them pretty clean and orderly, or maybe I'm just lucky.

[Anonymous]

This is just gross. I think I'd use it as an opportunity to practice for when my own kids are teens. It's time for a frank talk about what is acceptable and what is not in your house.

[Anonymous]

APs aren’t living in hotels. They need clear guidelines for their room cleaning. Put it in your handbook, go over it in training, and set high expectations your first few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we changed out the bed, underneath was disgusting. Dirty tissues, tons of candy wrappers, dirty socks, dust balls, hair balls, etc.

This reminds me so much of an Australian exchange student one of my teachers housed once. When she left and they had to deep clean her bedroom, they found used tissues, used panties, used tampons... I swear, I don't mind the dust bunnies or the hair but ugh, please no bodily fluids.

We do a "family cleaning day" once a month I am a slob, I hate cleaning, I really can't be bothered. I also don't want more strangers than necessary in my house so I need to do it myself. Stinks. So once a month (and yes, for AP it's on the clock) we get together (always on a Friday afternoon) and deep clean everything. We move furniture around, vacuum and mop under dressers and beds, dust on the kitchen kabinets, wash bathmats etc. Before that everybody needs to pick up after themselves (kids with the help of the AP, usually on Thursday afternoon) but on Friday all doors are wide open and we get to work, as a family activity and that does include AP.