Thinking about extending

[Anonymous]

We're first time host parents who need to match in June/July, so I've just begun thinking about whether we'd want to rematch with our current au pair. I'd rate an 8 out of 10. She's very responsible, reliable and does most of what we ask. Also she's a good fit for our family: she's doesn't party much, she's not particularly "needy" and gets along with our kids. The downside: she's pretty moody and it's not always a pleasure having her around. Also, she's expressed zero appreciation for the things we do for her (The latest example? We took her skiing last weekend and not even a thank you.) I wouldn't think this is out of the ordinary but one of her friends spent Thanksgiving with us and was so helpful: said thank you, offered to clean up without being asked and was absolutely lovely to chat with. Bottom line, she's fine, and I know I could do far, far worse. Is that good enough reason to rematch? Not having to go through the work of finding and training another au pair is a huge bonus.

[Anonymous]

I say no. I almost extended with someone like you described and didn’t. And our new au pair is probably a 9.5 and is so much more appreciative and it actually makes me wonder why I didn’t rematch with the last one.

[Anonymous]

I would not extend based on your description. 2 years is a long time, and it almost always goes down hill in year 2. If you're coming from a place of awesome, a slight decline might be fine, but in your case, I wouldn't do it. I've extended twice now with 2 very good APs, and in both cases the relationship kind of soured to some extent by 18 months. I likely will never extend again, as I feel a year is really the perfect amount of time for the program. After that, I think it starts to "get old" for them, even though they might not see that feeling coming by the time they are asked to decide on extension.

I do hear what you're saying though on the work of finding & training another AP. I always dread it.

[Anonymous]

I think I will have a similar dilemma as you.

I am 5 months in with my current au pair. My kids like her and she is a good fit, childcare wise. However, she is a sloth and homebody and never leaves the house or does anything. She is a bit of a slob and her vision of cleaning doesn't match mine, despite gentle nudging.

She has had a friend from home visiting during the holiday and for the past week, they have only left the house once or twice (to go to Target or maybe a trip to Panera). No travel or even going out to dinner (she buys something at Giant and then comes home to cook it).

It's tiring and I am becoming grumpier about having to entertain her (she is home all day when my kids are in school and when I come home I am her entertainment when all I want is to unwind/relax/be alone).

I get the convenience factor. I have had trouble in the last couple of years as my kids get older, to find a good match. So when she meshes well with my kids, I have to decide can I deal with these idiosyncrasies for an additional 6-9-12 months. Since I am tiring of them at 5 months, I think I won't be able to beyond her year.

Most extensions that are 'meh' don't usually get better in year 2, or so I've heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're first time host parents who need to match in June/July, so I've just begun thinking about whether we'd want to rematch with our current au pair. I'd rate an 8 out of 10. She's very responsible, reliable and does most of what we ask. Also she's a good fit for our family: she's doesn't party much, she's not particularly "needy" and gets along with our kids. The downside: she's pretty moody and it's not always a pleasure having her around. Also, she's expressed zero appreciation for the things we do for her (The latest example? We took her skiing last weekend and not even a thank you.) I wouldn't think this is out of the ordinary but one of her friends spent Thanksgiving with us and was so helpful: said thank you, offered to clean up without being asked and was absolutely lovely to chat with. Bottom line, she's fine, and I know I could do far, far worse. Is that good enough reason to rematch? Not having to go through the work of finding and training another au pair is a huge bonus.

You are not rematching. You are coming to the end of your contract and having to find a new Au Pair. This comes with the territory.

Not feeling like going through he hassle of finding a new person is definitely not a good reason to keep a moody, unappreciative Au Pair. Put on your big girl pants and start looking. You may get excited by some of the candidates you find out there! (I have a feeling this one is less than an 8/10... 'does MOST of what we ask'???). And who knows, the next one might be a real 2-year keeper!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I will have a similar dilemma as you.

I am 5 months in with my current au pair. My kids like her and she is a good fit, childcare wise. However, she is a sloth and homebody and never leaves the house or does anything. She is a bit of a slob and her vision of cleaning doesn't match mine, despite gentle nudging.

She has had a friend from home visiting during the holiday and for the past week, they have only left the house once or twice (to go to Target or maybe a trip to Panera). No travel or even going out to dinner (she buys something at Giant and then comes home to cook it).

It's tiring and I am becoming grumpier about having to entertain her (she is home all day when my kids are in school and when I come home I am her entertainment when all I want is to unwind/relax/be alone).

I get the convenience factor. I have had trouble in the last couple of years as my kids get older, to find a good match. So when she meshes well with my kids, I have to decide can I deal with these idiosyncrasies for an additional 6-9-12 months. Since I am tiring of them at 5 months, I think I won't be able to beyond her year.

Most extensions that are 'meh' don't usually get better in year 2, or so I've heard.

My perception after 8 APs, is that most Au Pairs have an expiration date. And for the majority, it's in year 1. Very few continue to shine in year 2, and the majority should not even be APs beyond year 1 in the first place- they often are because of convenience for the families.

[Anonymous]

First of all, you are too early. Give yourself a couple more months to decide.

I think it depends on your personality.

I'm an introvert and really hate disruption in our house, and have so very little time to train and mentor new APs.

I would definitely extend. 8 out of 10 is pretty darn good.
Learn from your past mistakes going forward.
Don't invite her on vacation anymore or do extra nice things that put you out that she might not appreciate.
Ask her what she is looking to get out of her 2nd year-and see if you can accommodate.
I know my the constant churning of APs wears on my kids, and I try to extend when possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, you are too early. Give yourself a couple more months to decide.

I think it depends on your personality.

I'm an introvert and really hate disruption in our house, and have so very little time to train and mentor new APs.

I would definitely extend. 8 out of 10 is pretty darn good.
Learn from your past mistakes going forward.
Don't invite her on vacation anymore or do extra nice things that put you out that she might not appreciate.
Ask her what she is looking to get out of her 2nd year-and see if you can accommodate.
I know my the constant churning of APs wears on my kids, and I try to extend when possible.

OP here. Thanks, this is very helpful. Yes, she is an 8 out of 10. Maybe 8.5. I put a lot of weight onto the fact that she's good with my kid and relatively easy to have around the house. And yes, the churning of a new au pair wouldn't be good for me or the kids. And I don't have much time to wait, really. For a summer arrival I'd start looking at the end of February, and I'd like to give her a few weeks to think about what she wants to do so we'd need to talk end of January. And we need to figure out if we even want to offer.

[Anonymous]

Have you had a conversation about expressing appreciation? You could do it now and wait a few weeks for the extension discussion to see if things improve. If there's potential improvement, go for it. If absolutely nothing changes, then you want to look for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Long time HM here. I wonder OP if your AP is really an 8. You’re a first time HM. When I was on my first AP I would have given her a high rating too, despite the many problems I had with her (that were for the most part not related to childcare). Every AP since has been a much better fit, and I can now see that the first AP was more like a 3-4. I think it’s hard to gauge things until either you’ve had a few APs or have a first AP who is such a godsend that you find yourself crying at the thought of her year ending.

In recent years I’ve had good luck with 8s and 9s. All were fantastic. The 8s had really minor issues - nothing serious enough to mention - and I would never have said about them “she’s fine, and I know I could do far, far worse.”

I think it’s possible your 8 is not really an 8. I advise that you keep her only for one year and start fresh with a new AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long time HM here. I wonder OP if your AP is really an 8. You’re a first time HM. When I was on my first AP I would have given her a high rating too, despite the many problems I had with her (that were for the most part not related to childcare). Every AP since has been a much better fit, and I can now see that the first AP was more like a 3-4. I think it’s hard to gauge things until either you’ve had a few APs or have a first AP who is such a godsend that you find yourself crying at the thought of her year ending.

In recent years I’ve had good luck with 8s and 9s. All were fantastic. The 8s had really minor issues - nothing serious enough to mention - and I would never have said about them “she’s fine, and I know I could do far, far worse.”

I think it’s possible your 8 is not really an 8. I advise that you keep her only for one year and start fresh with a new AP.

+1

I thought my first AP was great, until I met some of my others and they put her to shame.

I think it's a learning experience and you should reach for the stars. Make a list of what you want out of the AP/program, what bothers you about her, etc. Go back and look at her profile and see what attracted you to her.

Is matching a pain? YES. It is also a pain to deal with a sour puss for another year because you don't want to put in the work. I'd rather do the matching on my schedule than be rushed at a rematch time and take someone who might or might not be good.

[Anonymous]

There are previous threads on here about different cultures expressing appreciation in different ways. I would be sensitive to the cultural differences. Some countries rarely say thank you, for example, while other countries are much more expressive in general.

Is your AP's friend, the one who showed you a lot of appreciation during Thanksgiving, from the same country as your AP?

[Anonymous]

If I could talk to myself a year ago, I would have said, don’t extend because it’s way more exhausting than welcoming a new AP. We extended with our current AP and are closing out our 2nd year with her. She is great. But I am ready for her to go home. The second year is tiring for everyone. She is a wonderful young lady and we love her but two years is just so so so very long. I don’t have crazy examples of why it’s tiring but I liken it to a TV show that is on one season too long. It’s still a good show but disappointing because it wasn’t as great as the first season.

Good luck OP. People are different so maybe your extension year would be great. But if you are slightly tired of your AP now, you will be exhausted by month 18.

[Anonymous]

I’m with the posters who thought my first AP was better than she was while I had her. I would have rated her highly because my kids adored her, she was very sweet, and I knew she had a demanding job. But since then, I’ve specifically looked for au pairs with traits she didn’t have and I would say my subsequent au pairs are much much better. I think extending with her would have been a mistake and worn us out.

[Anonymous]

Our first AP was amazing and we extended. I don't regret the decision, but I wouldn't do it again. As most PP have stated, APs really expire before the 2 year mark. I think ours got to the 16-18 month mark and suddenly realized that she needed to make plans for the next phase of her life...she became very preoccupied with this and wanted to leave at 21 months.