How important is it to say goodbye

[Anonymous]

My DD's caregiver is part-time; she watches her daily a few hours per day so DD still spends the majority of her day with me. The caregiver has been with DD for five months now. Her engagement with us is temporary and supposed to end this fall and all I can say is not soon enough because she's been very unreliable during that time. DD likes her, though, and I had expected that before she left us, they would have an opportunity to say goodbye, maybe even maintain some contact through occasional babysitting. But something just happened (she was a no-show) and the circumstances are such that I am well within reason to fire her immediately and I no longer expect us to hire her again for occasional jobs. I do think it's sad though that DD never got to say goodbye. I'm probably agonizing over nothing, it's not like they had been together all that long or all that much (just a few hours per day not a whole day) and DD is only 2 and will forget her. Should I not have the caregiver come back even once and just be done with it? This would be much easier for me, naturally. Or is it worth having her come in to work one day (she would be fine wth this) just so they can properly say goodbye?

[Anonymous]

She'll be forgotten by your 2 yo soon enough. If it was a full time nanny it would be different, but I wouldn't worry about this.

[Anonymous]

I think it is important to talk about the caregiver - let's call her Cindy - and tell your DD that Cindy loves her. Talk about some fun things they did together and speak well of Cindy.

It would probably be better if you bit the bullet and let Cindy come over a couple of times.

It is not about "not remembering" Cindy - of course she won't. But your child will feel abandoned and a little distrustful of the next caregiver if you never see or mention Cindy again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is important to talk about the caregiver - let's call her Cindy - and tell your DD that Cindy loves her. Talk about some fun things they did together and speak well of Cindy.

It would probably be better if you bit the bullet and let Cindy come over a couple of times.

It is not about "not remembering" Cindy - of course she won't. But your child will feel abandoned and a little distrustful of the next caregiver if you never see or mention Cindy again.

This. Talk about Cindy the way you would if she'd dropped dead. Kids are damaged when people they love just disappear and are never mentioned again - or worse, mentioned unkindly. It rocks their trust in themselves and their own emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is important to talk about the caregiver - let's call her Cindy - and tell your DD that Cindy loves her. Talk about some fun things they did together and speak well of Cindy.

It would probably be better if you bit the bullet and let Cindy come over a couple of times.

It is not about "not remembering" Cindy - of course she won't. But your child will feel abandoned and a little distrustful of the next caregiver if you never see or mention Cindy again.

This is OP. If we have Cindy come back, what should we/she do to have a proper goodbye with DD?

[Anonymous]

I am the FT nanny and we had a weekend nanny for about 6 months who one day was fired abruptly after she was suddenly very rude to the parents. The kids (1 and 2), obviously didn’t say goodbye or really talk about her with the parents but they did ask me about her occasionally (if we went to a park they used to go to with her, for example, even the 1 yo would start saying her name and looking for her). We ran into her and her new weekday charge a few months later and it was like the little guys finally had closure. Any time they would think of her after that they would say “Larla new baby.” And that was enough for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is important to talk about the caregiver - let's call her Cindy - and tell your DD that Cindy loves her. Talk about some fun things they did together and speak well of Cindy.

It would probably be better if you bit the bullet and let Cindy come over a couple of times.

It is not about "not remembering" Cindy - of course she won't. But your child will feel abandoned and a little distrustful of the next caregiver if you never see or mention Cindy again.

This is OP. If we have Cindy come back, what should we/she do to have a proper goodbye with DD?

Just ask Cindy to tell DD what she won't be able to come over anymore but that she had so much fun with her and she loves her.

I actually think it is far more important how you talk about Cindy - speak of her kindly and remind DD that Cindy would love to come see her but can't because of school or her job or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She'll be forgotten by your 2 yo soon enough. If it was a full time nanny it would be different, but I wouldn't worry about this.

This. Don't make more of this than it needs to be. Tell your daughter that Cindy isn't coming this week. Then if/when your daughter asks tell her Cindy doesn't need to come anymore because you get to be with her now ( or grandma, or she gets to go to Miss Suz's house, or whatever.).

Keep it light, minimal and positive. Your daughter is two and the nanny was oart-time. This is not a traumatic event.

-MB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll be forgotten by your 2 yo soon enough. If it was a full time nanny it would be different, but I wouldn't worry about this.

This. Don't make more of this than it needs to be. Tell your daughter that Cindy isn't coming this week. Then if/when your daughter asks tell her Cindy doesn't need to come anymore because you get to be with her now ( or grandma, or she gets to go to Miss Suz's house, or whatever.).

Keep it light, minimal and positive. Your daughter is two and the nanny was oart-time. This is not a traumatic event.

-MB

You should study attachment issues a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll be forgotten by your 2 yo soon enough. If it was a full time nanny it would be different, but I wouldn't worry about this.

This. Don't make more of this than it needs to be. Tell your daughter that Cindy isn't coming this week. Then if/when your daughter asks tell her Cindy doesn't need to come anymore because you get to be with her now ( or grandma, or she gets to go to Miss Suz's house, or whatever.).

Keep it light, minimal and positive. Your daughter is two and the nanny was oart-time. This is not a traumatic event.

-MB

You should study attachment issues a bit.

Attachment issues/studies/and concerns apply to the primary caregivers in a child's life. They are not relevant when talking about short term, part time caregivers such as babysitters, nannies, daycare providers, teachers, etc... They may be relevant when a close family member or longterm, full-time nanny abruptly departs from a child's life but that is not at all what the OP is describing. She has a part-time, barely adequate, short-term caregiver whom she wishes to let go. There will be zero harm done to a 2 yr old child's emotional development. The exception would be if the mother (or other primary caregiver) is so stressed and anxious about the childcare situation that she/he is not parenting well. Which argues for letting the nanny go even sooner, without a second thought.

You should become a parent - you would see the difference immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll be forgotten by your 2 yo soon enough. If it was a full time nanny it would be different, but I wouldn't worry about this.

This. Don't make more of this than it needs to be. Tell your daughter that Cindy isn't coming this week. Then if/when your daughter asks tell her Cindy doesn't need to come anymore because you get to be with her now ( or grandma, or she gets to go to Miss Suz's house, or whatever.).

Keep it light, minimal and positive. Your daughter is two and the nanny was oart-time. This is not a traumatic event.

-MB

You should study attachment issues a bit.

Attachment issues/studies/and concerns apply to the primary caregivers in a child's life. They are not relevant when talking about short term, part time caregivers such as babysitters, nannies, daycare providers, teachers, etc... They may be relevant when a close family member or longterm, full-time nanny abruptly departs from a child's life but that is not at all what the OP is describing. She has a part-time, barely adequate, short-term caregiver whom she wishes to let go. There will be zero harm done to a 2 yr old child's emotional development. The exception would be if the mother (or other primary caregiver) is so stressed and anxious about the childcare situation that she/he is not parenting well. Which argues for letting the nanny go even sooner, without a second thought.

You should become a parent - you would see the difference immediately.

Children can be affected by even part-time caregivers - anyone who they are bonded with. Just take the advice wisely given above (speak well of nanny and often at first then slowly mention her less and less - always stress that the nanny loved her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll be forgotten by your 2 yo soon enough. If it was a full time nanny it would be different, but I wouldn't worry about this.

This. Don't make more of this than it needs to be. Tell your daughter that Cindy isn't coming this week. Then if/when your daughter asks tell her Cindy doesn't need to come anymore because you get to be with her now ( or grandma, or she gets to go to Miss Suz's house, or whatever.).

Keep it light, minimal and positive. Your daughter is two and the nanny was oart-time. This is not a traumatic event.

-MB

You should study attachment issues a bit.

Attachment issues/studies/and concerns apply to the primary caregivers in a child's life. They are not relevant when talking about short term, part time caregivers such as babysitters, nannies, daycare providers, teachers, etc... They may be relevant when a close family member or longterm, full-time nanny abruptly departs from a child's life but that is not at all what the OP is describing. She has a part-time, barely adequate, short-term caregiver whom she wishes to let go. There will be zero harm done to a 2 yr old child's emotional development. The exception would be if the mother (or other primary caregiver) is so stressed and anxious about the childcare situation that she/he is not parenting well. Which argues for letting the nanny go even sooner, without a second thought.

You should become a parent - you would see the difference immediately.

Children can be affected by even part-time caregivers - anyone who they are bonded with. Just take the advice wisely given above (speak well of nanny and often at first then slowly mention her less and less - always stress that the nanny loved her).

Usually the caregivers are far more "bonded" than the kids. I grew up with nannies. Don't remember any, don't care. Your primary relationships are with your parents. That is he important bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll be forgotten by your 2 yo soon enough. If it was a full time nanny it would be different, but I wouldn't worry about this.

This. Don't make more of this than it needs to be. Tell your daughter that Cindy isn't coming this week. Then if/when your daughter asks tell her Cindy doesn't need to come anymore because you get to be with her now ( or grandma, or she gets to go to Miss Suz's house, or whatever.).

Keep it light, minimal and positive. Your daughter is two and the nanny was oart-time. This is not a traumatic event.

-MB

You should study attachment issues a bit.

Attachment issues/studies/and concerns apply to the primary caregivers in a child's life. They are not relevant when talking about short term, part time caregivers such as babysitters, nannies, daycare providers, teachers, etc... They may be relevant when a close family member or longterm, full-time nanny abruptly departs from a child's life but that is not at all what the OP is describing. She has a part-time, barely adequate, short-term caregiver whom she wishes to let go. There will be zero harm done to a 2 yr old child's emotional development. The exception would be if the mother (or other primary caregiver) is so stressed and anxious about the childcare situation that she/he is not parenting well. Which argues for letting the nanny go even sooner, without a second thought.

You should become a parent - you would see the difference immediately.

Children can be affected by even part-time caregivers - anyone who they are bonded with. Just take the advice wisely given above (speak well of nanny and often at first then slowly mention her less and less - always stress that the nanny loved her).

Usually the caregivers are far more "bonded" than the kids. I grew up with nannies. Don't remember any, don't care. Your primary relationships are with your parents. That is he important bond.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll be forgotten by your 2 yo soon enough. If it was a full time nanny it would be different, but I wouldn't worry about this.

This. Don't make more of this than it needs to be. Tell your daughter that Cindy isn't coming this week. Then if/when your daughter asks tell her Cindy doesn't need to come anymore because you get to be with her now ( or grandma, or she gets to go to Miss Suz's house, or whatever.).

Keep it light, minimal and positive. Your daughter is two and the nanny was oart-time. This is not a traumatic event.

-MB

You should study attachment issues a bit.

Attachment issues/studies/and concerns apply to the primary caregivers in a child's life. They are not relevant when talking about short term, part time caregivers such as babysitters, nannies, daycare providers, teachers, etc... They may be relevant when a close family member or longterm, full-time nanny abruptly departs from a child's life but that is not at all what the OP is describing. She has a part-time, barely adequate, short-term caregiver whom she wishes to let go. There will be zero harm done to a 2 yr old child's emotional development. The exception would be if the mother (or other primary caregiver) is so stressed and anxious about the childcare situation that she/he is not parenting well. Which argues for letting the nanny go even sooner, without a second thought.

You should become a parent - you would see the difference immediately.

Children can be affected by even part-time caregivers - anyone who they are bonded with. Just take the advice wisely given above (speak well of nanny and often at first then slowly mention her less and less - always stress that the nanny loved her).

Usually the caregivers are far more "bonded" than the kids. I grew up with nannies. Don't remember any, don't care. Your primary relationships are with your parents. That is he important bond.

You have posted this before, PP, and I have posted this response: I named my daughter after my nanny. She was an extremely important bond for me even though I was extremely close to my parents.

Perhaps because you had "nannies" rather than one nanny?

To OP: I echo all of the above advice about respecting your child's relationship with this woman and letting the relationship fade gently.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need to come back, clean break. Your dd will be fine. If she asks about her tell her the truth.