How to handle references for a nanny you are not positive about

[Anonymous]

We hired a temp nanny for the summer to early fall as we knew our schedule needs would change once DC started preschool. She has been interviewing and I am wondering how to handle references given my reservations about her. She has been out sick at least four times (none caught from us) since the beginning of summer. After the second time, she admitted she gets sick frequently. For this alone, I don't feel I can recommend her, especially with flu season around the corner.

Another thing is that I think she's an average caregiver at best. She's not neglectful or bad, but just doesn't engage DC that much or that well. She is a nice person and I don't want to screw over her and her job search. If called for a reference, I will emphasize her positive attributes, but if asked if I have any concerns about her, I can't lie. Likewise, she will have better success finding a job if she doesn't list me as a reference, but this is not something I feel comfortable saying to her.

[Anonymous]

Not that's this matters too much on regard to your question, but is she a career nanny or just nannying while in school? If she's a career nanny then she needs a new career!

I would be honest about her being sick often. And I would be honest about her not being that engaged. Don't you wish someone were honest with you and you chose a better nanny? Maybe someone who just want someone to save a few bucks will still hire her (may at all implying that you did). Lastly, do you think she may be better with infants/ babies than toddlers, if she weren't sick all the time? Maybe you can phrase it that way?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Her prior childcare experience was mostly while she was in school and she just graduated from college. We couldn't find a career nanny who wanted to work for just the summer. I get the impression, though, that she's thinking about nannying longer-term like maybe a year or two as related to her future profession.

I do think she would be better with infants, but as you mentioned, her getting sick so frequently is an issue. Or an older child who is generally well-behaved. I don't think she has good strategies for dealing with difficult behavior.

I'm thinking I'll write her a reference letter that focuses on her positives without being so glowing as to be misleading. If anyone wants to contact me after reading the letter, they can, and I'm guessing some employers will, others won't.

Aside from being honest with potential employers, I think I will be honest with her about her frequent illnesses. She has never seemed so much as apologetic about the frequent absences or concerned about their impact on us. I mentioned several times to nanny how important it was for her to be there during DC's first couple weeks of preschool (first separation experience) and she texted me the morning of DC's first day to tell me she would be out sick. Bad timing, but okay, it happens, but after coming back to work, nanny never asked how DC was doing or expressed any regret for not being there when we really needed her. I don't see how she'll be able to hold down any job, let alone one in childcare, if she is going to be sick this often. I think she should know that we noticed and that it impacted her job; I could have her work for us a little longer (which would be good for her), but her unreliability spurred me to prioritize our new nanny search.

[Anonymous]

I think parents deserve to know what they are getting. If she asks you to write a letter, you make it brief. You don't include negatives in the letter, but it shouldn't be gushing with positives. If they call you, you need to be honest about her faults.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's not legally required, but part of being a responsible employer entails giving your former nanny a reference letter without needing to be asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Of course it's not legally required, but part of being a responsible employer entails giving your former nanny a reference letter without needing to be asked.

No. Once again you prove that nannies know nothing about how jobs work. You ask for references, and employers always have the right to decline to write one.

[Anonymous]

Look, this person sounds like a nightmare for any family (or employer of any kind for that matter). Nannies should not get sick more than children. She shouldn't be in this field if she can't make it to work with a minor illness. More than likely she is calling in "sick," and just isn't a reliable person. She belongs at McDonalds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Her prior childcare experience was mostly while she was in school and she just graduated from college. We couldn't find a career nanny who wanted to work for just the summer. I get the impression, though, that she's thinking about nannying longer-term like maybe a year or two as related to her future profession.

I do think she would be better with infants, but as you mentioned, her getting sick so frequently is an issue. Or an older child who is generally well-behaved. I don't think she has good strategies for dealing with difficult behavior.

I'm thinking I'll write her a reference letter that focuses on her positives without being so glowing as to be misleading. If anyone wants to contact me after reading the letter, they can, and I'm guessing some employers will, others won't.

Aside from being honest with potential employers, I think I will be honest with her about her frequent illnesses. She has never seemed so much as apologetic about the frequent absences or concerned about their impact on us. I mentioned several times to nanny how important it was for her to be there during DC's first couple weeks of preschool (first separation experience) and she texted me the morning of DC's first day to tell me she would be out sick. Bad timing, but okay, it happens, but after coming back to work, nanny never asked how DC was doing or expressed any regret for not being there when we really needed her. I don't see how she'll be able to hold down any job, let alone one in childcare, if she is going to be sick this often. I think she should know that we noticed and that it impacted her job; I could have her work for us a little longer (which would be good for her), but her unreliability spurred me to prioritize our new nanny search.

I would stick with honest but positive in the reference letter. She's new, and it's possible that she will develop better skills. I wouldn't make a big deal about her not being sufficiently apologetic, but you might tell her that her frequent illnesses were an issue, and that you suggest she think about how she can be an effective nanny given that germs are part of the package.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I am planning to write her an honest, positive (but not misleading) reference letter and include my contact info. I mentioned here her not being sorry as evidence that she seems completely unaware that her absences are an issue, but won't say anything to her about this. I truly wish her the best, but at the same time, she has some growing up to do (maturity-wise) if she is going to have a career.

[Anonymous]

Damn them with faint praise: "Larla worked for us for a few months this summer. When she was here, DD enjoyed her company."

I would read between these lines that you were perfectly content to see her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Of course it's not legally required, but part of being a responsible employer entails giving your former nanny a reference letter without needing to be asked.

No. Once again you prove that nannies know nothing about how jobs work. You ask for references, and employers always have the right to decline to write one.

How about you check your comprehension, my friend. Then grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn them with faint praise: "Larla worked for us for a few months this summer. When she was here, DD enjoyed her company."

I would read between these lines that you were perfectly content to see her go.

Yes, this. AND be clear when she worked for you." She worked from June through Sept. 15" because otherwise the nanny could make it sound like six months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn them with faint praise: "Larla worked for us for a few months this summer. When she was here, DD enjoyed her company."

I would read between these lines that you were perfectly content to see her go.

It is so easy to be clear without being explicitly negative, if the other person is actually listening.

Pause, deliberately wait to find the right word to answer the question. Answer the question precisely as it is asked and offer no further information. Decline to answer any specific questions that would force you to say something negative.

Seriously, just the care with which you chose your words -- if obvious -- is more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn them with faint praise: "Larla worked for us for a few months this summer. When she was here, DD enjoyed her company."

I would read between these lines that you were perfectly content to see her go.

This is what I do at work when HR has tied my hands in regards to an AWFUL employee. I use tone and lack of enthusiasm. If you have half a brain, you realize what im getting at.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- You should talk with her about getting sick so frequently. Maybe she has some health problems and needs to see a doctor to get checked out. Stress and depression run down the immune system, and many other non-psychological reasons such as hormonal imbalances, etc. I get sick often as well. However, I have not had to call in to miss work because of a cold, minor illness or injury, etc. Now if I was running a temp, had strep, or some other indicator that I was infectious and not able to work, I would give my MB/DB a heads up the night before that I'm not feeling well, see if I can make it through the night, then update them promptly the next morning if I KNOW my illness is going to leave me unable to work. That's the courteous thing to do to your employers. Also, maybe she's not really sick, but just doesn't feel like working and thinks this is a job where she can call off whenever. WRONG. Parents depend on us nannies, and we depend on the parents. It's a mutual relationship that works both ways. Voice your concerns with her and be honest.