Do some ap's not want you to ask them any non work related questions?

[Anonymous]

I have tried but failed to build a relationship that is like "family" with my ap. My first ap was like family. Didn't work as she doesn't seem to like to talk to me, but I'm still finding it hard to cut out all questions but I'm getting close. This morning for example, do you have any fun weekend plans? Response? "Yep" every morning I ask how are you and she says "fine". It is like dealing with a sulky teenager.

Before any of you start saying I'm a bad host that is not true. I am struggling with having someone who literally doesn't even want to have any conversation with us living in our house.

[Anonymous]

So my question is- do some ap's prefer a business relationship?

[Anonymous]

It looks like she sees it as a business relationship.
I guess she won't change, that must be part of her relationship.

I'm a former AP. I tried to bond with my host family but I was just a worker to their eyes. Sad but true.

[Anonymous]

Yeah it is just so umcomfortable. I think I might just stop asking about her life altogether.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your AP is a sullen teenager who doesn't tell her own parents very much about her personal life.

[Anonymous]

How long has she been with you and how is her English? Our first ap had pretty poor English skills (not a problem as we speak her native language and wanted her to speak with the kids in it too). But even when we spoke with her in her native language she was extremely unresponsive. She was kind of a dud personality wise and had trouble relating to my older kids but she was a fine au pair and was great with my baby. She just didn't have anything interesting to say. When she did finally open up a bit (like 10 months into the year) it was to ask me about how to get into free concerts of boy bands which I knew basically nothing about. So we just had very different interests and priorities in life, but she was otherwise pleasant and as I said, fine with the kids. Dh really disliked her though, he thought she wasn't smart and had nothing to say, which was kind of true.
So I think maybe it's her personality or maybe a language barrier?

[Anonymous]

OP, how is she with the kids? Unless she's a rock star, I think I'd be inclined to have a hard reset conversation and bring up rematch. It's hard enough living with an extra person in the house -- if you feel like you are strangers, that's an uncomfortable situation to struggle through for an entire year. What you describe isn't "not family" it's "unpleasant roommate."

[Anonymous]

Also wondering if there is a language barrier?

I match with near perfect English speakers because of this issue. I think we are better able to develop a relationship. AP doesn't feel self conscious with language issues.

[Anonymous]

I was a live out Nanny for a while and I know its a different situation but I had one MB who would ask me every morning if I had a good evening and what had I been up to. Then when I would leave and she would ask if I had fun plans that night.
I am Gay though and hadnt told them that. I didnt want to just say it, so it was awkward for me.
I know she was just tryin to be friendly but it put me in a situation of being evasive which I didnt like doing.

[Anonymous]

I haven't experienced it and I think most APs, even most employees in a formal office, appreciate their boss acknowledging their human existence aside from their work outputs.

So, I think your AP is weird. I would not love having a one-worder at my dinner table every night.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My first AP found any questions outside of work questions invasive. Eventually, she found work questions invasive and would leave with my child and refuse to even tell me where she had taken him. We rematched.

[Anonymous]

^ oh and this wasn't a language barrier. We speak German fluently and that was her native language. She just had an antagonistic personality.

[Anonymous]

Same here. She is French and we speak French and anyway APs English is quite good. When I finally asked her what the disconnect was she said it wasn't important for her to connect with the parents. We limped through the remaining months. She was fine with it but very awkward for my typically extroverted self

[Anonymous]

Au pair will realize fast that she is just a worker for you. If she is from Europe it is almost sure that she will see American culture as superficial. She will feel required to respond "fine, good" -keeping positive attitude. One of my HP was asking me ' How was your day?' routinely. I responded "Fine' adding couple of things connected with the children'. Once HP asked me:
'How was your day?'
I asked 'Do you have any other questions?'
'Was your day good?'
I said 'No'
And then HP run away.

In this persons mind I was expected to say only good things. Ofcourse I was spending my day with kids so I was expected to say some funny story connected with children. Imagine doing sth like that 12 months staying with young kids. Totally pointless and boring without any additional question. Sometimes I thought these people weren't interested what was I doing with their children and they weren't giving me any ideas or materials for arts and crafts. Also surprisingly HP asked me about my plans for weekend. I responded negatively. They wanted me to work on Saturday. I was fine with that. I realized that it was just about job. I would say that she might think that you want her to work more. My HP weren't hitting the right questions at all. It was superficial. Sometimes Au pairs might really doesnt know what to say. Please ask additional questions.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Well she is just a worker now, because she didn't invest true time to get to know us. She doesn't tell me what she does with the kids. She only speaks to them if giving orders, not trying to get to know them. She doesn't ask about the kids' sports, etc. I'm so done with this. Only a few weeks to go.