Cooking one dinner a week

[Anonymous]

Hi,
We are a returning host family. Unlike our previous au pairs, this au pair eats every single meal at home. She eats a lot also so there never seems to be leftovers. The other au pairs used to at least go out on weekends with friends some but usually just fixed dinners for themselves a few nights a week since my husband and I don't usually eat until 7:30. She sometimes eats what she makes for the kids but often waits to see what I'm making. It drives me crazy. We were clear in interviewing that we don't usually eat family meals together except for on the weekends. We (mostly I) have been doing all of the cooking and after a few months, she finally started to make herself some meals and not wait for me to do them. Her shift usually ends at 5:30. We have asked her to cook some meals but it doesn't seem to happen. We've talked about helping with dishes if she is not cooking but it hasn't really changed. She has other strengths and is good with my kids but we are not extending for a second year by choice. (Of course, she said in her video that she loved to cook but that's mostly cake mixes for cupcakes.)

Preparing for next au pair at the end of August. We are a family that uses up all 45 hours most weeks. If you require your au pair to cook one meal a week, does it count as her 45 hours or does she do it on her own time?

[Anonymous]

Yes, we have AP cook dinner once a week, usually chicken and a vergetable.
Yes, it counts towards her hours.
If shift ends at 5:30, have her prepare a casserole or something, and put it in the oven at 5:30. Then it will be ready at 6:30. and you all can eat whenever you choose.

or have her cook by 5:30 and leave it on the stove (heat off) and you can warm it up when you are ready to eat.

[Anonymous]

Longtime hostmom here. I really think you've lost sight of the big picture.

It seems totally reasonable to me that your AP would want to take advantage of options for dinner. If she is already cooking for the kids, and is working 45 hours a week already - and you are already cooking dinner for your husband... why would you not simply offer her the option of eating with you?

I get so discouraged with all the "food issues" that host parents have with their APs. It sounds like this girl is 1) working the max allowed; 2) cooking for the kids; and 3) doing a generally good job with the kids. I would count myself lucky, and would be HAPPY to share an "adult" dinner with her. Why aren't you? If you only want to use your au pair as a worker, with none of the benefits of being in a family -- you're in the wrong program.

[Anonymous]

The AP is not a maid and should not cook for everybody.
It's not fair for you to ask her that, especially since she already does her 45 hours and that her job is related to the children, she's not there to take care of the parents as well.

[Anonymous]

My ap eats every meal with us. They don't get paid much and we want her to be a part of the family. It's important to our family to get together daily to eat. Our kids are still young.

Hey, maybe she likes your cooking?

I would expect help cleaning up though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The AP is not a maid and should not cook for everybody.
It's not fair for you to ask her that, especially since she already does her 45 hours and that her job is related to the children, she's not there to take care of the parents as well.

I disagree.
As "being a family member", all adults in our home make dinner at least once a week (if we want to eat anyway). I cook 2-3times, DH cooks 1-2 times, AP (if she wants to eat dinner at our home) cooks once- her choice of food. Very fair. Technically it doesn't need to be during work hours, but it seems like a nice way for the HF to handle it.

I had a prior AP who went out every evening- to the gym or school or out with friends, and she ate on the fly all week. I certainly didn't make her cook adult dinner when she didn't partake in eating it. But our current AP who expects a hot meal nightly- yeah, we expect her to cook once.

[Anonymous]

It is no okay to REQUIRE an AP to cook for the adults - it doesn't matter if it is within or outside of the 45 hours. Any AP cooking for the adults in the family should be VOLUNTARY, as part of a cultural food exchange. Required cooking should be limited to cooking for the kids.

It is okay to have her cook for herself if you don't want to include her in the meals that you cook (not the most hospitable but also not violating the program rules). It is not okay to expect that she eats outside. She should be able to eat every meal inside the home, if she chooses. Most AP will go out and eat every so often but it is her choice. It is okay to have "fend for yourself" or "on your own" nights where it is explicit that adults are going to cook/eat by themselves, and not together. It is okay to not cook any meals for the AP to eat but just provide the ingredients for her to cook with - although this is not really in the spirit of the cultural exchange. However, it should be clearly communicated ahead of time which night(s) or all nights is the AP expected to cook for herself so that she does not expect and/or wait for you to cook.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster. We made clear when we interviewed that we usually didn't eat big dinners during the week. In the past, they were quick meals for us and we eat quickly in order to put our kids to sleep. This year, I have made a lot more weekday meals when I come home from downtown because of the pressure of feeding her. We didn't have the same experience with previous au pairs. She doesn't seem to be coordinated enough to cook a meal when she's watching the kids. On the two weekday nights of the week that she prepares the kids' dinner, it is usually just pasta with parmesan cheese, chicken nuggets or sometimes a piece of baked chicken or salmon if I defrost it and tell her to make it. She, on the other hand, comes up right before dinner, and then eats a lot (much more than my husband and me so there are never leftovers) and then doesn't ever offer to help with dishes, put away etc. We've asked her to help and to do what she does at her house, and she doesn't ever seem to remember to even stay around long enough to clean up. She's good with the kids in many ways but not at cooking or keeping things tidy at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster. We made clear when we interviewed that we usually didn't eat big dinners during the week. In the past, they were quick meals for us and we eat quickly in order to put our kids to sleep. This year, I have made a lot more weekday meals when I come home from downtown because of the pressure of feeding her. We didn't have the same experience with previous au pairs. She doesn't seem to be coordinated enough to cook a meal when she's watching the kids. On the two weekday nights of the week that she prepares the kids' dinner, it is usually just pasta with parmesan cheese, chicken nuggets or sometimes a piece of baked chicken or salmon if I defrost it and tell her to make it. She, on the other hand, comes up right before dinner, and then eats a lot (much more than my husband and me so there are never leftovers) and then doesn't ever offer to help with dishes, put away etc. We've asked her to help and to do what she does at her house, and she doesn't ever seem to remember to even stay around long enough to clean up. She's good with the kids in many ways but not at cooking or keeping things tidy at all.

Well, you have to choose your battle. Is she a rock star AP and you look the other way or is this annoying enough that you would be okay if it results in a rematch in the event that you put your foot down and tell her that from now on, the AP is expected to cook her own meals and ONLY when invited, can share in the meals that you cook?

If you intend to have leftovers, then scoop up the leftover amounts and set aside in containers BEFORE plating and if she asks, tell her it is intended as leftover for HM and HD in the future - and put your name on it so it is explicitly clear that this leftover is off-limits to her.

If you cook portions enough for you and your husband, plate your plates and then say "sorry, we didn't cook any extra for you. We were not expecting you to be having dinner with us since you were already in your room for the night." Yes, this is rude but sometimes, subtly does not work.

I had an AP several years ago who never helped with prep or clean up, and retreat to her room immediately after her work hour was over but always show up just in time for dinner and made me feel like her personal chef. She was also not a rock star AP and I had no trouble telling her that I will no longer cook family meals every day for her.

It really depends how far you want to push it with your AP - if you are willing to "cut off" preparing fresh meals every night. If you have a rock star, it may be worth it to keep her happy. Happy AP means happy family, as some may say.

[Anonymous]

Do your kids cook dinner for themselves too?

What is a "big meal?" Our family dinners only take about 30 minutes to make...

[Anonymous]

"I had an AP several years ago who never helped with prep or clean up, and retreat to her room immediately after her work hour was over but always show up just in time for dinner and made me feel like her personal chef. She was also not a rock star AP and I had no trouble telling her that I will no longer cook family meals every day for her. "

I have a similar problem now, AP is not a rockstar and never helps with prep or clean up. She retreats to her room as soon as I arrive home and I usually have to call her up for dinner. My initial approach was to treat her like a family member, and always include her in our family dinner. She rarely sits with us at kitchen table (her choice), plays on her phone during the entire meal and rarely engages in any conversation with us. My husband and I always use dinner time as a way to catch up and chat about the baby, our day and things at work. She never engages in conversation with either of us, and will only engage when I ask her questions about her family/friends. I would also leave food out for her, she would fix her plate and leave the remaining food on the counter/stove, never made the initiative to put the food away or put empty dishes in the sink. I always cook and DH usually does the dishes, she made no effort to contribute or assist in any way. She also ate leftovers during her lunch the next day, although the fridge is always stocked with items for her lunch.

I finally had to put my food down and reset the expectations. I was tired of feeling like she was taking advantage of me as her personal chef and made no effort to help out. I advised that dinner leftovers are only for dinner the next day, and she is responsible for washing the pots/pans from at least one cooked meal per week. All dishes that each person uses are either loaded in the dishwasher or washed by each individual. I've also advised that she would be responsible for cooking for herself on some evenings while my husband travels, fridge is always stocked for her. My approach is if you are going to eat a prepared dinner every night in my home, you need to make some sort of contribution to help out.

While I've always approached this program as treating my au pair like a family member, I also want her to understand that she will have responsibilities like all other adults in the house. Many of these individuals may come from households where their mother/parents did everything for them, no different than many American households, I get it. But as a mother who works, takes care of an infant and husband, I did not sign up to also cater to another adult who makes no effort to help out in the household. It's unfortunate, but I really thought we set the tone early on to be inclusive of our au pair, but she seems to have a different approach.

[Anonymous]

I've hosted five APs, and most of them enjoyed cooking one or two family meals per month. One AP didn't cook, and we didn't expect her to. Food and meals are part of the cultural exchange- they cook recipes from home- as well as shared responsibilities in the household. If I had a college roommate who only ate all of my prepared meals, but didn't offer to clean up or prepare meals once in a while, I would've been upset. Explain to AP that it takes a lot of time and effort to prepare meals, would she mind helping out by doing the dishes, or whatever her strength may be. If your AP was living at home with parents who cooked and cleaned for her, she is probably clueless about helping out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've hosted five APs, and most of them enjoyed cooking one or two family meals per month. One AP didn't cook, and we didn't expect her to. Food and meals are part of the cultural exchange- they cook recipes from home- as well as shared responsibilities in the household. If I had a college roommate who only ate all of my prepared meals, but didn't offer to clean up or prepare meals once in a while, I would've been upset. Explain to AP that it takes a lot of time and effort to prepare meals, would she mind helping out by doing the dishes, or whatever her strength may be. If your AP was living at home with parents who cooked and cleaned for her, she is probably clueless about helping out.

Good advice

[Anonymous]

I think my email was a little misunderstood. Just to clarify, I'm fine with her eating all of her meals at home. We don't want her to watch us eat and we're fine inviting her to join us but it's odd that she doesn't help at all unless I give her small tasks. She sees how tired my husband and I are while she sits on her phone texting while we are cleaning up. When we ask her specifically, she will do it but it does not register. We are not making it an issue (although it annoys me) and we do make a lot of food and it was enough for our last au pair when she wanted to join us. She's not a star au pair but she's okay. She loves my kids which is the most important thing and they are safe with her. When she sits at the table and I ask my daughter and her to get something, she will. And whenever I serve the kids, I say that she's free to take her own portion. And she always waits for me to serve her too. She does help out at her home in her home country b/c I've asked her. She doesn't help out at all with our meals. She can't seem to ever take out the trash or recycling. She just leaves everything on the counter for us even though we've showed her many times. She's not a child. She's a grown-up in the house.

[Anonymous]

It's a common frustration with APs- she isn't exactly a grown-up in the house, and tours in particular sounds especially immature. Instead of expecting her to take initiative and be more grown-up, maybe you will either have to lower your expectations, or start instructing her on what to do. Initially it will take more effort on your part; write instructions in your handbook, etc.