Cooking one dinner a week

[Anonymous]

My au pair is 21. When I was 21 I was in law school and working as a waitress in my spare time.

[Anonymous]

If AP is just cooking dinner for the kids, it's on her work time.
If it's family dinner, I get home at 5:30 and everyone is "off the clock". Anyone who wants to eat family dinner has to participate in some way. My kids set the table, and the adults share cooking/cleaning. Our APs typically don't cook so help out with the clean-up. When they do cook, we clean. I also have in my handbook that if an AP is not joining us for dinner, then she should plan to make her own meal after we are finished with the kitchen. This is the same rule for our kids -we serve one meal and you are there or not, but I don't cook for no-shows. One AP wanted to saunter in at 8pm and regularly eat leftovers that I had packaged for the next day's lunch, and we had to ask her to make her own thing at that point. We of course have enough food for them to cook later if they want to.
I also let the AP know that for nights she's not home we try to plan for things we really like but know she doesn't (ie spicy food in one case), so that letting us know is a general courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is no okay to REQUIRE an AP to cook for the adults - it doesn't matter if it is within or outside of the 45 hours. Any AP cooking for the adults in the family should be VOLUNTARY, as part of a cultural food exchange. Required cooking should be limited to cooking for the kids.

It is okay to have her cook for herself if you don't want to include her in the meals that you cook (not the most hospitable but also not violating the program rules). It is not okay to expect that she eats outside. She should be able to eat every meal inside the home, if she chooses. Most AP will go out and eat every so often but it is her choice. It is okay to have "fend for yourself" or "on your own" nights where it is explicit that adults are going to cook/eat by themselves, and not together. It is okay to not cook any meals for the AP to eat but just provide the ingredients for her to cook with - although this is not really in the spirit of the cultural exchange. However, it should be clearly communicated ahead of time which night(s) or all nights is the AP expected to cook for herself so that she does not expect and/or wait for you to cook.

You are wrong. If AP want to eat dinner at home, she needs to cook at home sometimes. As an adult member of the house, she is not entitled to have someone make her dinner every night of the week without reciprocating.
If she would rather not cook a family dinner one night/week, she can cook her own food all week long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are wrong. If AP want to eat dinner at home, she needs to cook at home sometimes. As an adult member of the house, she is not entitled to have someone make her dinner every night of the week without reciprocating.
If she would rather not cook a family dinner one night/week, she can cook her own food all week long.

NP. That's your opinion. To me, having an AP is like having a more responsible daughter. I don't expect my kids to cook me dinner. I'm just happy they're doing a major chore!

[Anonymous]

I also think there is a big difference between "cooking" and "heating food". I am out at least 2 and sometimes 3 evenings per week. Our Au Pair is responsible for "heating dinner" on those evenings. We have three kids, my husband, Au Pair and I, so 6 people total in the house. We don't short-order cook for the kids. So yes, if the Au Pair is grilling chicken breast for the kids, I will have her put all 8 breasts on the grill and boil a box of rice. In my opinion, it would be absolutely ridiculous, not to mention a waste of gas, time, etc, to have her only grill 4 chicken breasts so that the act of grilling 8 chicken breasts it is not seen as "cooking for the parents"

Our au pairs (we have had 2 and currently in year 3) have never seemed to have a problem with this. Our first au pair liked to know that morning exactly what to "heat" (she didn't like to decide, so I would give her a plan) whereas our current au pair likes to have a few options and decide herself what she feels like having that evening. It is a busy time with three kids and activities, so everything she does is "heat and serve". Last night she grilled hamburgers and put sweet potato fries in the oven, and put out baby carrots and snap peas with ranch dressing. The container had 8 burgers and she grilled all of them. She also likes leftovers the next day for lunch, so that works in her favor as well.

I "cook" the other 2-3 nights (homemade chili, soups, marinades for meats/fish, casserole, homemade mashed potatoes, etc). I would never expect our au pair to do this unless she wanted to on her own. And, then we usually go out or order-in one night per week. Some nights we just put out all of the random leftovers.

I make it all very clear while interviewing that my husband and I are out at least 2 and sometime 3 evenings per week and she will be responsible for "heat and serve" dinner meals. Honestly, if I had an au pair (or LC) who took issue with our au pair heating a few extra pieces of meat/fish for us AND for her lunch the next day, then this program would not be for us. We aren't asking her to prep something separate for us, serve it to us, clean up our dishes from later that evening, etc. And, we are never asking her to act as a personal chef for anyone, including the kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is no okay to REQUIRE an AP to cook for the adults - it doesn't matter if it is within or outside of the 45 hours. Any AP cooking for the adults in the family should be VOLUNTARY, as part of a cultural food exchange. Required cooking should be limited to cooking for the kids.

It is okay to have her cook for herself if you don't want to include her in the meals that you cook (not the most hospitable but also not violating the program rules). It is not okay to expect that she eats outside. She should be able to eat every meal inside the home, if she chooses. Most AP will go out and eat every so often but it is her choice. It is okay to have "fend for yourself" or "on your own" nights where it is explicit that adults are going to cook/eat by themselves, and not together. It is okay to not cook any meals for the AP to eat but just provide the ingredients for her to cook with - although this is not really in the spirit of the cultural exchange. However, it should be clearly communicated ahead of time which night(s) or all nights is the AP expected to cook for herself so that she does not expect and/or wait for you to cook.

You are wrong. If AP want to eat dinner at home, she needs to cook at home sometimes. As an adult member of the house, she is not entitled to have someone make her dinner every night of the week without reciprocating.
If she would rather not cook a family dinner one night/week, she can cook her own food all week long.

I am PP 05/11/2017 14:46. I totally agree that AP is not entitled to have someone cook her dinner every night. I basically said that when I wrote "It is okay to not cook any meals for the AP to eat". Of course AP needs to cook at home if she wants to eat dinner and no one else is cooking it for her. My comment is about REQUIRING the AP to cook for the ADULTS like it is part of her other child-related responsibilities. I am not sure what part of what I wrote that you are disagreeing with.

In response to poster 05/12/2017 12:22, I agree that it should not be a big deal to grille all 8 chicken breasts in a package while you are doing 4, but when the HF and AP relationship is not on good footing, the AP will turn that into the HF is forcing her to cook dinner for the entire family. I rather not go there. I rather cook meals for me, HD, and HK and have the AP cook food for herself (meals that occur when she is not on the clock). This means if she is on the clock for dinner and responsible for feeding the HK, she cooks enough to feed herself and the HK. We (HM and HD) eat our own food. Yes, it would and should be a non-issue to throw a few more patties on the grille for the HM and HD but like I said, it can bite back when the relationship goes south.

We also have in our handbook about reciprocating - each adult to alternate cooking family dinners as we are all adult members of the family and to help clean or prep when eating together as a family. However, we've had AP started out the year alternating with us and being active in the dinner routine but it slowly dies. Once the AP stops reciprocating and just show up for dinners, we start to also stop cooking for the AP and instead made every night an on our own night. We wish that the AP reciprocates but we cannot REQUIRE it. So instead, we stop offering the benefit of a home cooked meal together ... a little sad.

[Anonymous]

I work full-time as a fed attorney and so does my husband. With metro hassles this Spring, it takes us an hour to get home each day. We get home and want the kids already fed so that they can do homework. For years, we've eaten quick meals (heat up the indian pouch and a piece of naan), etc. Not every family around here has a family meal every night. Perhaps if you work close to home and get home an hour earlier, you do but I am curious how many families really are sitting down every weeknight to a real meal. We are going to have a good handbook going further. We didn't before. We have had a short one. Does anyone have a template they'd be willing to share with me? (Sanitized of course).

[Anonymous]

In response to poster 05/12/2017 12:22, I agree that it should not be a big deal to grille all 8 chicken breasts in a package while you are doing 4, but when the HF and AP relationship is not on good footing, the AP will turn that into the HF is forcing her to cook dinner for the entire family. I rather not go there. I rather cook meals for me, HD, and HK and have the AP cook food for herself (meals that occur when she is not on the clock). This means if she is on the clock for dinner and responsible for feeding the HK, she cooks enough to feed herself and the HK. We (HM and HD) eat our own food. Yes, it would and should be a non-issue to throw a few more patties on the grille for the HM and HD but like I said, it can bite back when the relationship goes south.


And that is my point...if my relationship with my aupair ever came to this...where it is somehow an injustice to throw the entire package of chicken breasts on the grill a counple of nights a week when I am cooking homemade meals all of the other nights...then I would 100% discuss this with the au pair and if still an issue I would go into rematch or get out of the program. I refuse to play any ridiculous tit for tat games and I would never voluntarily choose to live with someone where our relationship was so sour that she couldn't see the practicality of meal prep. Again, it is completely transparent in our interview process.

[Anonymous]

Former European AP here. I'm glad my host family didn't ask me to cook for them when I was living with them.
I left my own family and never cooked back home, my mom did all of the cooking.
Once I got there I had to cook pasta for the kid I was in charge of. I didn't even know how to cook that ...

I think it's fine to ask the AP if she wants to cook from time to time if she knows how ... or just heating up something easy and quick.

On the other hand, I never ever expected my host family to cook a meal for me, I would just fend for myself all the time.

Then as time went by, I made a few easy things to help out like lettuce and raw veggies in it, homemade dressing ... etc. But at 18 I would have been incapable of cooking a whole meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time as a fed attorney and so does my husband. With metro hassles this Spring, it takes us an hour to get home each day. We get home and want the kids already fed so that they can do homework. For years, we've eaten quick meals (heat up the indian pouch and a piece of naan), etc. Not every family around here has a family meal every night. Perhaps if you work close to home and get home an hour earlier, you do but I am curious how many families really are sitting down every weeknight to a real meal. We are going to have a good handbook going further. We didn't before. We have had a short one. Does anyone have a template they'd be willing to share with me? (Sanitized of course).

My wife and I also have full time jobs. As a fed employee, I just go to work wayyyyy earlier and come home in time to enjoy fam time and make dinner for my family (mostly) every weeknight. If work needs to be done I can log on at night. I live 24 miles away from work and drive in to save an hour commute per day.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I also have full time jobs. As a fed employee, I just go to work wayyyyy earlier and come home in time to enjoy fam time and make dinner for my family (mostly) every weeknight. If work needs to be done I can log on at night. I live 24 miles away from work and drive in to save an hour commute per day.


Not everyone has that flexibility. I am a university professor and teach evening classes two evenings per week and my husband travels often for work. Not everyone can manage the "work early to be home for family dinners every night".

So, yes, our au pair has to "heat and serve" dinner at least 2 evenings per week for the kids. If she is broiling salmon for the kids, I ask that she just broils the entire package so there are leftovers for myself (more often than not I don't even eat it because I eat at work) and for HER the next day for lunch if she desires. I am shocked that some view this as falling under a "cooking for the parents" rule violation. So what...our au pair drinks orange juice and drinks/eats other things that our family doesn't. I always pick up orange juice and her other preferred staples at the grocery store. I don't give her money and say, "oh, since those are only foods you eat, here is $ and you make a separate trip to the grocery store because I am not going to pick up your special foods while I am ALREADY in the grocery store". That is RIDICULOUS. What a waste of time and mental energy. I read some of the stuff on this board about tip toeing around each other, worry for breaking rules, passive/aggressive tactics, tit for tat, etc and wonder how you can live like that? I would never survive. Isn't some of this is common sense, living with another human being type of stuff? I forgot about some of MY bath towels in the dryer yesterday...our au pair folded them...gasp! She forgot about some of her clothes in the dryer last week and I folded them for her. Its called LIVING in a house together. If we had an au pair who couldn't strike that balance we would talk about it, and if still an issue, then go into re-match, and if still an issue, then I would high tail it to other options. So far, the two au pairs we have had are mature young women who get this. It is also something I discuss A LOT during the interview process and when they arrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former European AP here. I'm glad my host family didn't ask me to cook for them when I was living with them.
I left my own family and never cooked back home, my mom did all of the cooking.
Once I got there I had to cook pasta for the kid I was in charge of. I didn't even know how to cook that ...

I think it's fine to ask the AP if she wants to cook from time to time if she knows how ... or just heating up something easy and quick.

On the other hand, I never ever expected my host family to cook a meal for me, I would just fend for myself all the time.

Then as time went by, I made a few easy things to help out like lettuce and raw veggies in it, homemade dressing ... etc. But at 18 I would have been incapable of cooking a whole meal.

This is what I don't understand. I'm a HM, but when I was a kid (starting at age 11), I made pancakes, grilled cheese, mac n cheese, then started grilling at age 15 or so. I could definitely make any boxed cake, brownies, nestle toll house cookies recipe, etc.
Seriously, how do these 18-26 yo old girls have 0 cooking skills? We've had 5 APs and they are all terrible cooks, and they screw up a boxed cake mix every. single. time. So bad, I even asked my 8yo to participate in making the last cake (because I knew she could follow the 3 step directions)
An adult (age 18+) should know how to prepare a simple meal. I guaranty the APs real moms knew how to cook at age 18. What happened to this?

[Anonymous]

Do you ask in the interview? Both of our au pairs haven't been gourmet cooks, but they can prep any easy meal, grill meat, put together a salad, boil pasta, etc. yes, the boxes mess them up because they don't measure in cups...I just show them how yo use measuring cups when they arrive.
I need someone who can do basic meal prep or the program wouldn't work for us.

[Anonymous]

I am also a fed attorney, but I work an early schedule.

I think some of this is simply how you prioritize your family time. My kids are older, but we have a sit down family dinner 6-7 times a week. I say that with no judgment of people who do it differently. There are many other aspects of my parenting that are an epic fail. But for me, this is my "sacred" family time. It is part of how I was raised. It is harder in the sping when kids are going off to sports practices -- so sometimes a kid (or two) is missing, but we do our best.

For me, I like to feed our AP. I'm cooking for 5 already, so cooking for 6 is easy. She's sometimes bringing a kid home from sports, so this is just how it works for us.

When the kids were younger, our APs worked 45 hours per week with 3 young kids. That is an EXHAUSTING job. I've done it myself, and it is WAY more taxing (to me, anyway) than working at work. So, I always felt like the least I could do was cook the poor girl a decent dinner at the end of the day. Yes, I'm tired. So is she. It's all give and take, but I think it starts with being appreciative of the work your AP is doing. We've had a few clunkers -- but in general, we've had mostly responsible, hardworking girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am also a fed attorney, but I work an early schedule.

I think some of this is simply how you prioritize your family time. My kids are older, but we have a sit down family dinner 6-7 times a week. I say that with no judgment of people who do it differently. There are many other aspects of my parenting that are an epic fail. But for me, this is my "sacred" family time. It is part of how I was raised. It is harder in the sping when kids are going off to sports practices -- so sometimes a kid (or two) is missing, but we do our best.

For me, I like to feed our AP. I'm cooking for 5 already, so cooking for 6 is easy. She's sometimes bringing a kid home from sports, so this is just how it works for us.

When the kids were younger, our APs worked 45 hours per week with 3 young kids. That is an EXHAUSTING job. I've done it myself, and it is WAY more taxing (to me, anyway) than working at work. So, I always felt like the least I could do was cook the poor girl a decent dinner at the end of the day. Yes, I'm tired. So is she. It's all give and take, but I think it starts with being appreciative of the work your AP is doing. We've had a few clunkers -- but in general, we've had mostly responsible, hardworking girls.

I think the resentment builds when the AP goes immediately to her room after her work shift is over and does not come out to dinner until HM comes and knocks on her door and tells her that dinner is on the table. During the meal, AP makes no effort to participate in conversation and looks constantly at her phone. After AP is finished with her meal, she leaves the table without a word spoken while everyone is still eating and goes immediately back to her room. She does not contribute at all to setting the table, clearing the table, putting dishes in the dishwasher etc.

I think that expressing courtesy from both sides goes a long way ... host family extending hospitality with home cooked meal while AP shows appreciation by saying thank you and chipping in.

PP 08:14 : When you cooked your AP a decent dinner, what did she do or not do?