How to help nanny be more assertive
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Anonymous
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Hi All - I'd like some advice. We have a new nanny who we like very much, but who we are learning is fairly passive in her management of the kids (twin preschoolers). She is gentle, patient, kind, calm, reliable, honest, etc... So many great attributes.
But she doesn't know how to really be in charge - how to manage typical behavior that can delay getting out of the house, how to redirect when a kid is grumpy or whiny, how to establish and maintain a routine, etc... My kids are normal, generally decent kids, but my son - in particular - needs someone who is not reactive but is a confident, positive manager. Obviously I talk with her about these things, but I would love to give her some resources of articles or books she might read, apps she might use, sites where she can get tips from professional nannies, etc... Any recommendations? Thanks! |
Anonymous
| Loool I love it when parents turn to articles and books to guide them in raising their kids and want to drag a nanny into it. Madame, your child isn't behaving properly with the nanny, why not you the parent address it so the problem gets fixed. A nanny job is a job....she will leave one day but your child is forever. On the flip side if nanny decide to discipline they will start saying she is mean! Insert eye roll here!!!!!! |
Anonymous
WTF? So if the kids don't behave for nanny, that is the parent's fault? Um, no. Nanny here and my kids are always way better behaved for me than for the parents because a) I've been doing this forever and know all the tricks and b) I get to take a break from them so they can't wear me down as quickly. OP, you could take a discipline course together with your nanny, but honestly if she just doesn't get it then she may only be a good baby nanny not a good big kid nanny. |
Anonymous
Thx 15:03. 
My kids are typical kids. They behave pretty well most of the time, and we don't have issues with parenting them. Nor did their prior nanny have any trouble managing them, but she was inherently a confident person. The new nanny is much more passive than I realized (or than she seemed during her interview and trial day, or than was described in her references.) She has a lot going for her, I think she just needs to learn how to be the one in charge. My question is how to speed up her learning process - I don't want to fire her, or berate her, I want to support her. I also don't think the most effective way for her to grow is by me lecturing her. Perhaps a better way to frame this is to ask the professional nannies here how they would mentor someone new to the profession? 15:03 - how would you articulate to another nanny some of your "tricks" on being the authority? |
Anonymous
| I too kind a class at zoom care a few months ago on how to manage tantrums. Maybe there's something similar near you? It was free and lasted about 45 min to an hour. There are lots of books out there on positive discipline and outsmarting toddlers so it's really a matter of finding one that speaks to you. Parents, Parenting and Family Fun magazine websites are all great resources in my opinion. |
Anonymous
| 15:44 here. I would mentor a nanny. Y explaining how out of control they can get when you don't take the lead. I'd have her try 1-2-3 magic. Tell the kid you're going to count to 3 and if their shoes aren't on they go in time out or a toy goes in time out, whichever is more effective for the kid/situation. Or it might be no treat or screen time. When we're actively trying to get out the door and they're dawdling, I basically just annoy them into putting shoes on. I tell them to get shoes and coat so we can go do X. I'll tell them that a couple times. Then I'll tell them to focus. Focus on shoes. Then just say shoes .... shoes .... shoes on feet. Just keep reminding them until they want you to shut up. Or you can pretend to leave without them. Oh you're not ready, well that's too bad. Andy and I are ready to go do we're going. We're done waiting. See you when we get back. I've never had that fail me. When they decide to come make a big deal and say how glad you are that they're coming with you because it will be more fun now. Sometimes it takes a while to really settle into the job and find what works for a kid. |
Anonymous
| 15:03 here. I would direct a new nanny to either someone like me (I do paid consulting for parents and caregivers by phone), or encourage them to take a course through someplace like Parenting Playgroups. The difference though is that your nanny isn't looking for guidance, you are looking to guide her. Until she sees and can articulate the problem, nothing is going to change at all. |
Anonymous
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I am an MB and in my life experience (not just as an MB), it is not that easy to change one's behavior as an adult, whatever the capacity, parent, child, employer, employee, etc. etc. It is one thing to be a new parent (or nanny) and learn something from square one (albeit with our built-in personalities and behaviors) or to be an existing parent or nanny and try to change our behavior on the margins, i.e., how we react in certain defined situations. It is quite another thing to change from a "passive manager" to a "confident, positive manager" (OP's words).
OP, be honest with yourself as to what it is you want your nanny to change. Is it as simple as you wish your nanny to do x instead of y in certain defined situations? Or is what you are wishing for that your nanny change her personality? And even if it is the former, it is not a given that your nanny will WANT or BE ABLE to change. In any case, in OP's shoes, I would keep my expectations for improvement low. |
Anonymous
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We're in the same position with a much older nanny and I'm soooo frustrated after 6 months. Our previous nanny was able to manage the kids very well and was absolutely amazing. The new nanny is incredibly patient with the kids, but they are also much more difficult for her simply because she is not assertive.
I've come to accept that this nanny will never be as good as our last one, but I try to make myself see the things that she is good at and to just lower my expectations so I'm not constantly ready to pull my hair out. |
Anonymous
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There is a great Facebook group called Nannies of Multiples that you could recommend to her. I'm a first time nanny to twins and been in the group over a year. During that time I have never seen any type of drama, bullying or cattiness that you get a lot of in the other FB groups.
There is a ton of experience in the group and a wide variety of people ranging from very beginning nannies to people who have been in the business 30 plus years. The moderator is also a full time professional nanny to triplets and I know she has cared for several other sets of twins and triplets (I think one set of quadruplets as well). |
Anonymous
| OP here - thanks all. And thanks for the specific idea 1:45 - I'll mention it to her. |
Anonymous
| Get a better nanny. Good nannies can match a tactic with a kids personality and be effective. |