What is your policy on having friends over when no one else is home

[Anonymous]

Do you allow them to have friends over?

Kids in school, and you're at work.
She has a friend you've never met over.
Ok?

What about if you are away for the weekend, can she have a friend over? Again, you've never met her friends.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

We are a longtime HF and have always allowed our APs to have any friends they wanted over. We have known our APs' friends well and have had total comfort having them in our house whenever. Our APs have always been friends pretty much only with other APs.

This year, though, is different -- we have not met a single one of our AP's friends. He never socializes at home, meets his friends out or at the foot of our driveway. Reading your post made me think that I actually am not comfortable at all with him having people over when we're not home, because, again, we have not met a single one of them.

I may have to rethink my total openness to friends coming anytime the AP wants....

[Anonymous]

We allow friends over when we are not at home or away for the weekend.

There is a difference between friends and a party, though. And our normal rules apply.

We had an issue with our rules where we had a no opposite sex rule, friends ok if you let us know. One of APs friends who we really liked and was over all the time was also bi-sexual and we had morning where she picked up a girl and they slept at our house and had to modify our rules that a "friend" was someone we have met. The opposite sex thing was big issue and AP accused us of being bigots. It was drama, but we do not want to wake up to randoms in our home, and we do not want them in our home when we are not here.

If we have not met them - just to say hi or whatever, they should not be in our home is our rule now.

[Anonymous]

No policy. Never thought of it. As long as nothing illegal is going on and i return to a clean home, what do I care?

[Anonymous]

OP.

In my handbook I specify that I need to meet any friends that will come over/stay at my home. They can't visit during working hours, but after I've met them, they can come during off-hours.

I went away this past weekend with my kids. I told the AP that I would like no visitors while I'm gone. The reason I said this is because I have not met ANY of her friends. None. They are all strangers to me. She said OK and that she would never have anyone over without my permission.

She had someone over while I was away, despite this. Did not tell me or ask me.

No policy. Never thought of it. As long as nothing illegal is going on and i return to a clean home, what do I care?

Why should you care?

I am not OK with a stranger in my home that I do not know. I hardly know my au pair as she's never around to get to know. Then I am supposed to be OK with one of her friends around?

How do you know nothing illegal is happening?

[Anonymous]

We are with our second AP. Both have been allowed to have friends over, and we've had no problems. Most their friends are other, similarly minded APs. We do require advance notice (and do not make promises about accommodating) overnight guests. Also, our handbook says, "Due to the small size of our home, we cannot accommodate romantic guests," though it is really romantic overnight guests that we are avoiding.

[Anonymous]

I know of a situation when an AP's guest committed identity theft, which was a nightmare for the HF. I ask to meet the guests before I allow them in my home unsupervised.

[Anonymous]

Up to three friends at a time. No boys.

[Anonymous]

I have never had a policy about this. We do have 'no romantic sleepovers' in our handbook but that's about it. This is one of those that until one AP shows poor judgement or breaks my trust, I can't see why I would not allow her to invite friends in our home. For the record we have been in the program for 7 years and it has never been an issue.

[Anonymous]

She explicitly broke a rule even after you emphasized it before going out of town. I don't think it is about your "friend" policy at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She explicitly broke a rule even after you emphasized it before going out of town. I don't think it is about your "friend" policy at this point.

True. Sit her down, lay out the options. It is a slippery slope. We had a car curfew and AP would text us after we were in bed (like 1130 or so) and ask if we had a problem if she took the car out past curfew to let her know. She was out in DC and wanted drive other APs home at like 2am. First time we explained that is not really asking. Second time we laid out stop doing it or we will rematch. First warning was a waste, threaten rematch now so she understands severity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.

In my handbook I specify that I need to meet any friends that will come over/stay at my home. They can't visit during working hours, but after I've met them, they can come during off-hours.

I went away this past weekend with my kids. I told the AP that I would like no visitors while I'm gone. The reason I said this is because I have not met ANY of her friends. None. They are all strangers to me. She said OK and that she would never have anyone over without my permission.

She had someone over while I was away, despite this. Did not tell me or ask me.

No policy. Never thought of it. As long as nothing illegal is going on and i return to a clean home, what do I care?

Why should you care?

I am not OK with a stranger in my home that I do not know. I hardly know my au pair as she's never around to get to know. Then I am supposed to be OK with one of her friends around?

How do you know nothing illegal is happening?

I've been doing this 8 years and to my knowledge nothing illegal has gone on and I've never once had a problem. I do indeed hire carefully . If i cant trust an AP to not bring criminals and meth heads in my house when I'm gone, then why in the hell would i trust her with the most important things in my life, my children? Thats some ass backwards logic not adult enough to have guests , but someohoe adult enough to be in carge of your kids for hours on end.. I don't hire people so immature and irresponsible that they cant make sound decisions regarding house guests.

[Anonymous]

Our rules:

1) We have to meet them before they are allowed in our home when we're not around.

2) No opposite-sex friends when we aren't home. (I made an exception for a male au pair once after I got to know him.) We have two girls so the "no boys" rule isn't just because I don't want them having sex on the couch.

3) No opposite-sex friends can stay overnight. We've never had a lesbian or bi-sexual au pair, so if we do, I'm not sure how that rule is going to work as intended.

4) Try to give us the heads up when someone is coming over. We're pretty relaxed about this, but it's to avoid potentially embarrassing moments. Or, like once, when all four of us were coming home from a weekend away and we ALL had a stomach virus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP.

In my handbook I specify that I need to meet any friends that will come over/stay at my home. They can't visit during working hours, but after I've met them, they can come during off-hours.

I went away this past weekend with my kids. I told the AP that I would like no visitors while I'm gone. The reason I said this is because I have not met ANY of her friends. None. They are all strangers to me. She said OK and that she would never have anyone over without my permission.

She had someone over while I was away, despite this. Did not tell me or ask me.

No policy. Never thought of it. As long as nothing illegal is going on and i return to a clean home, what do I care?

Why should you care?

I am not OK with a stranger in my home that I do not know. I hardly know my au pair as she's never around to get to know. Then I am supposed to be OK with one of her friends around?

How do you know nothing illegal is happening?

I've been doing this 8 years and to my knowledge nothing illegal has gone on and I've never once had a problem. I do indeed hire carefully . If i cant trust an AP to not bring criminals and meth heads in my house when I'm gone, then why in the hell would i trust her with the most important things in my life, my children? Thats some ass backwards logic not adult enough to have guests , but someohoe adult enough to be in carge of your kids for hours on end.. I don't hire people so immature and irresponsible that they cant make sound decisions regarding house guests.

This!!! Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP.

In my handbook I specify that I need to meet any friends that will come over/stay at my home. They can't visit during working hours, but after I've met them, they can come during off-hours.

I went away this past weekend with my kids. I told the AP that I would like no visitors while I'm gone. The reason I said this is because I have not met ANY of her friends. None. They are all strangers to me. She said OK and that she would never have anyone over without my permission.

She had someone over while I was away, despite this. Did not tell me or ask me.

No policy. Never thought of it. As long as nothing illegal is going on and i return to a clean home, what do I care?

Why should you care?

I am not OK with a stranger in my home that I do not know. I hardly know my au pair as she's never around to get to know. Then I am supposed to be OK with one of her friends around?

How do you know nothing illegal is happening?

I've been doing this 8 years and to my knowledge nothing illegal has gone on and I've never once had a problem. I do indeed hire carefully . If i cant trust an AP to not bring criminals and meth heads in my house when I'm gone, then why in the hell would i trust her with the most important things in my life, my children? Thats some ass backwards logic not adult enough to have guests , but someohoe adult enough to be in carge of your kids for hours on end.. I don't hire people so immature and irresponsible that they cant make sound decisions regarding house guests.

Your philosophy and grandeur is all well and dandy until something happens to you. Good luck!