I'm upset, and I think I need to go into rematch

[Anonymous]

I am afraid of the process.

We have had a few issues with our au pair whom we have just started year 2 with. Aside from annoyances early on in our first year, there were 2 occasions where she picked up our child from school after school closed. Our child can be at school until 6pm, but our rules are that she should pick our child up no later than 4.45pm each day. She knows that is she messes up again things are not looking good.

Recently my neighbor just asked what time our child is supposed to get home at. I informed them around 4.45. Apparently our AP has no listened to our rules and they are getting home between 5.30 - 6pm. I feel that this is a complete violation of our trust and we have had numerous discussions with her about the schedule and what she should be doing. Now I feel that we are just being taken advantage of.

I have wanted to switch on and off and now I am concerned that this is happening and there are so many other little things that bother us-- how can we make it another 11 mos?! I am more concerned about the transition process bc:
- we need to switch agencies (from a support perspective and AP options perspective)
- how do we handle the search and commitment period with another agency and communicating our rematch decision to our AP
- how do i handle the miserable time that she is still caring for our child until the physical transition starts

I do feel bad, she is nice and conservative, but social activities and sleeping take precedent and now i just really feel betrayed. I feel that when she is not working (which she works a max of 30hrs/week) she is so disconnected and into her phone and her social life she could careless about the household. (E.g. if my daughter is hysterically crying she doesn't even bat an eye to check with us or her if everything is okay or if it is just a tantrum...that's weird?)....

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your AP does suck - but I am totally confused on the switching agencies thing and how that factors into your decision.

We have been with APIA and CCAP - only went through rematch once. That being said, rematch is a rigged system where the quality candidates never make it public or if they the do the LCC's or matching director make solid candidates unattractive. Plan for 60 days of a nanny and go out of country for another AP. Rematch is like playing lottery where everyone else already knows half the numbers and you are flying blind.

[Anonymous]

I think it is the logistics of terming with one agency, figuring out getting reimbursed-- or whatever it is and then starting with a new agency.

When you said rematch is like a lottery...what do you mean? Do you mean that good rematch au pairs never get to make it to the website for people to see bc they get farmed out immediately by the LCC to get them placed?

[Anonymous]

Why are you paying for aftercare with an Au Pair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is the logistics of terming with one agency, figuring out getting reimbursed-- or whatever it is and then starting with a new agency.

When you said rematch is like a lottery...what do you mean? Do you mean that good rematch au pairs never get to make it to the website for people to see bc they get farmed out immediately by the LCC to get them placed?

Not OP, but yes, there are a lot of pocket rematches/listings...where the "good" au pairs are moved between families before hitting the website.

OP, sorry you are going through this. I think I would give her a talk and say, either pick them up at the designated time, or rematch. In my handbook, if the au pairs are late in pickup and the kids are sent to aftercare ($$), then they are responsible for paying the cost. I discuss this and tell them, not to be late as it costs me money.

[Anonymous]

I think you're making a very big assumption. How do you know the AP isn't picking the kid up on time and then they go on errands or stop to play before getting home?

Also, if your daughter is crying hysterically, don't you feel competent to handle it yourself? The last thing I want when my DD is crying is to have to manage another person.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this you? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/nanny-forum/posts/list/327538.page

I am very sorry that you still proceeded with the extension. We could have seen this train wreck from a mile away. But I guess it's not worth belittle on this, now you need to rematch (I hope you listen to the advice this time).

All the reasons you listed are excuses. Yes, rematch will suck, but it will suck a lot less that keeping this awful, disrespectful au pair. Just put on your big girl pant and get on with it.

Switching agencies?
Register with 3 or 4 agencies if you need to. Just know that if you are with CC and APC may not issue you a refund, only a credit. Find an agency who will help you in case of rematch and won't screw you with their refund policy. Aside from $$ lost (you will definitely lose some money, especially if you prepaid for your full year- should have considered this scenario before extending...), switching agencies should be a breeze. Each agency will have their own way to put you in touch with rematch APs. Ask how they do it and speak with their transition coordinator before committing.

Telling you AP?
Call your LCC right now and let her know that you are going into rematch and she needs to prep the rematch papers ASAP. Have the conversation with AP. Should be easy at this point (if you are the same poster as above, then you did have a reset conversation last month right?). If you feel more comfortable, have your LCC with you when you have the rematch meeting.

Transition?
Well transition can be sucky, but you might be surprised with your AP. If she is smart, she might actually be on her best behavior during transitions because 1) she will be remorseful, and 2) she will need a good referral. If transition sucks, then release her of all her childcare duty and if need be, send her to the LCC. But chances are that if she is decent person, transition will be uncomfortable but ok. Consider whether or not you will allow her to use your car for personal reasons during transition. From your original message, it sounded like she was abusing your car too, correct?

Yes, transition will suck. You will need to make alternate childcare plans, or arrange to work from home/vacation days until this is resolved, but despite its suckiness, it will be a 1000x better than living another 11 months with an au pair who is blatantly disrespectful of your rules (and now has nothing to lose since she finished her first year and is assured a flight back home at no cost).

Please please, listen to us this time and rip the bandaid right NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is the logistics of terming with one agency, figuring out getting reimbursed-- or whatever it is and then starting with a new agency.

When you said rematch is like a lottery...what do you mean? Do you mean that good rematch au pairs never get to make it to the website for people to see bc they get farmed out immediately by the LCC to get them placed?

I can only speak from experience with CCAP as I only went thru rematch when we were with them. If you are familiar with that agency you will see that they have changed their process b/c it was sooooooo bad and unfair to any HF that did not have a strong LCC or matching director working for them. If you were new to the program you stood almost no shot of getting any attention over a family that has had a few AP from them.

Typically, they would write the documentation up however they wanted to either make good APs not attractive to the masses, or make bad ones seem better than they are. Then they worked their networks within the agency as they wanted.
They are trying to make it more fair (now they have standard templates for transition docs) and great APs do normally make it to the website but they come on already locked & with a "waiting list" to interview. The only way that is possible is that LCCs (who see them before us) lock the APs for their families so you never really have a shot to even interview them.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your supportive responses. Yes the link you posted is me. We are currently w APF. Long story about how we got there- our first AP went home during day 1 of orientation w APIA bc she was homesick. So we were left in a really bad bind needing someone in country and available ASAP.

For the inquirer about why was I not taking care of my child myself if she is crying- are you kidding me? How absolutely rude of you to assume that I wasn't. Instead of being righteous and accusatory why don't you read the whole post before making assumptions. This forum is supposed to be for support not for you to shame parenting skills. My example was my child was crying hysterically, I was dealing w it but the au pair never cares to take a break from her make up and prepping to go ou for things like that bc she is off the clock. The point was the level of compassion she has as a member of the household. Clearly you didn't get that.

[Anonymous]

Also- I will check w the school to make sure I have my facts straight. I'm doubtful that she makes stops on the way home w my daughter- but will make sure I cover all bases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also- I will check w the school to make sure I have my facts straight. I'm doubtful that she makes stops on the way home w my daughter- but will make sure I cover all bases.

Good to check but I am not sure it makes a difference OP. Your tules are for AP to bring your child home by 4:45 and she is not doing that.

[Anonymous]

I'm also pretty confident the situation is going on bc my neighbor asked if it was late for her to get home like this and she said she can only work 10 hours a day. Total fib bc she never hits 6 a day since my child is at school all day.

We pay for aftercare at school to make she we don't go over in hours for the week if my husband has to work late while I'm traveling during the week for work.

[Anonymous]

Do you not have a home security system? We got one prior to getting AP but found it very useful to review the logs of what is going on for coming and going.
We also have external cameras that we can review if needed to cross reference with door sensors if needed, but have only needed to do that once or twice with AP bringing men over after going out.

[Anonymous]

You could get a zubie for your car and track comings and goings. You'll know exactly where your car is, when she got there and back. It's also very helpful to gauge driving ...speeding, hard braking and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:but our rules are that she should pick our child up no later than 4.45pm each day [...] and they are getting home between 5.30 - 6pm.

Simply getting home between 5.30 and 6 pm shouldn't automatically mean that she isn't there for pick up at 4.45 pm? Are you sure they aren't doing something (errands, playground etc.) on their way back? Also, how long does it take to get home from school with a 4.45 pm pick up (traffic)?

I mean yes, if she sucks, rematch. Especially if you are also unhappy with your agency.

E.g. if my daughter is hysterically crying she doesn't even bat an eye to check with us or her if everything is okay or if it is just a tantrum...that's weird?

You mean she doesn't come downstairs if your school-aged daughter is hysterically crying while you are at home, watching your daughter and you are in charge? As the parents? Yeah... no. If she's off, she's off. Sometimes I wish I could deal with tamper tantrums without AP butting in. But why did you extend with her if you are so unhappy?? Nice and conservative might cut it for a while but two years? Come on...