nanny is a pushover with my DS

[Anonymous]

I've seen a number of instances recently where my nanny is a pushover with my 20 month old son. For example, they arrive home late frequently because "he didn't want to leave the park". I was home sick today, and she decided not to take him on an outing because he said "No!" and started to whine when she tried to put him in his car seat.

Another time I got home and she was feeding him a late snack on the couch because, "he wouldn't sit at the table."

I guess I'm strict, but if I need to be somewhere, I tell my DS "last time down the slide" or whatever, and then I put him in the stroller. He cries for like 30 seconds, and then is fine.

My son seems to know that he can get away with this stuff with her and I'm concerned that she's not really setting limits.

I try very very hard to let her do her thing and not get involved. She's a loving, responsible caregiver and I'm very happy with her otherwise. Any advice on how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Kids quickly learn what they can get away with for different people. So I wouldn't worry too much that he won't listen to you because she gives in, but I would focus on any "house rules" you want to maintain.

Eating on the couch is a no-go in my house, for example, because I want to keep the crumbs contained. If she gets home late from the park, I wouldn't pay her for that time, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Is she a pushover with you to, OP?

I suspect that's one of the reason's you hired her. She doesn't stand up to you either.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a problem for you eventually, because it is going to get old having to be the bad guy who makes your son follow the rules while the nanny gets to be the fun one. Poor discipline during the day is also going to bleed over and effect is behavior with you at night. While it is true that kids quickly figure out who allows them to get away with what, it is also true that a kid needs structure in order to get their basic needs met, and without those needs, they are going to struggle with behavior no matter how firm you are. When your kid is a two-year-old and a three-year-old and he is not napping well were eating healthy food or getting enough exercise because the nanny is not putting them in place, and he is going to be a hot mess when you get home and you were going to have to clean up that mess.

What do you think is the issue with the nanny? Is it possible that she does not want you to think she's being too strict? Or is she relatively inexperienced and perhaps just does not have enough tools in her discipline arsenal? Or is she one of those grandmother types is more experienced babies or perhaps is just very set in her ways? If you think that it would help, and you love the nanny in other respects, it might make sense to sign her up for a discipline class. Then have a long conversation about what kind of discipline you would like to use as a household and what the house rules are that you want to enforce.

[Anonymous]

If you want the nanny to stand strong with your child, she'll most likely do the same with you. Do you really want that? Fess up now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want the nanny to stand strong with your child, she'll most likely do the same with you. Do you really want that? Fess up now.

That's the thing... I'm not strict with the nanny at all. There's a lot of "small stuff" that she does that I don't love.

And I don't say anything because over all, I feel like she takes good care of our son, and we trust her, and that is the important part. So we've never really had a conversation where I say: "I prefer you do it this way."

That's maybe why I'm not sure how to approach this. I don't want to step on her toes or hurt her feelings.

But, I do want to nip this in the bud because I'm terrified of having a child who thinks he's in charge

[Anonymous]

Yikes!!
She sounds like me!

I admit, I can also be a bit of a pushover myself, I guess I have issues.
I'm afraid my charge will speak unfavorably of me, that the parents will believe their child over me & that I could lose my job.

So I talk to the mother about how she handles certain situations like child not listening, cleaning up, temper tantrums, etc.
Then she will give me advice for handling such behaviors. I.e, time-out, taking away screen time, etc.

And I use her suggestions when the situation occurs again.

I try to nip bad behavior in the bud by showing my charge who is the boss in our relationship.
It rarely changes the dynamic we have!

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!!
She sounds like me!

I admit, I can also be a bit of a pushover myself, I guess I have issues.
I'm afraid my charge will speak unfavorably of me, that the parents will believe their child over me & that I could lose my job.

So I talk to the mother about how she handles certain situations like child not listening, cleaning up, temper tantrums, etc.
Then she will give me advice for handling such behaviors. I.e, time-out, taking away screen time, etc.

And I use her suggestions when the situation occurs again.

I try to nip bad behavior in the bud by showing my charge who is the boss in our relationship.
It rarely changes the dynamic we have!

Good luck.

This is your first job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she a pushover with you to, OP?

I suspect that's one of the reason's you hired her. She doesn't stand up to you either.

There is no supposed parallel here. A toddler is not an adult. Bribing or bending over for a silly toddler is a sign of laziness or impatience. She needs to come up with effective communication styles or redirecting with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want the nanny to stand strong with your child, she'll most likely do the same with you. Do you really want that? Fess up now.

Pp has a really melodramatic imagination.