au pair we matched with never comments on kids

[Anonymous]

We picked an au pair who we thought would be a good fit for the family about three weeks ago. Since then we have emailed her photos and video of the kids. She is very responsive but never actually mentions the kids. For example, the kids did a tour of our house (they are 3 and 5) and we sent her the video. She wrote back that she really liked our house but made no mention of the kids talking to her on the video and showing her their rooms. We also sent pictures of the kids at easter. She wrote back that she also celebrated easter but again no mention of the kids. I am not sure what I am expecting here but was just wondering if this would be a red flag for anyone.

[Anonymous]

No, not a red flag. Anything else?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a red flag. An AP's job is to like children. I think she should be saying more about them. Trust your intuition. If the lack of response was enough to make you post on here, there's probably a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Her job is to work with kids, not love your kids. However, if she's someone who isn't going to talk to them, interact with them or like them, she won't be a good housemate, nor will she be a good caregiver.

[Anonymous]

This is a huge red flag. We recently rematches with our AP who never asked about the kids during the process and in training. We were new to all of this so just thought maybe it was the language barrier or nerves. Not the case at all and throughout her time with us showed very little interest in our kids well being and was only concerned with her social life. Unfortunately it took us a few months to realize this before we sent her home. In hindsight these are major red flags considering our AP always asks questions about our kids and takes a lot of interest them.

[Anonymous]

I agree that this is a red flag because it says a lot about her expectation that these exchanges are all about her snd not at all about the ostensible reason that she's coming-- the kids. The fact that she's not even attempting to fake interest at this stage would bother me. The idea of canceling the match is difficult, but rematch is harder. Why don't you just come right out and ask about her not mentioning the kids at all and see what she says? It might be better in the long run to have one difficult conversation than to have this sitting in the back of your mind this early in the process. As a reality check, I would feel the same way you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is a red flag because it says a lot about her expectation that these exchanges are all about her snd not at all about the ostensible reason that she's coming-- the kids. The fact that she's not even attempting to fake interest at this stage would bother me. The idea of canceling the match is difficult, but rematch is harder. Why don't you just come right out and ask about her not mentioning the kids at all and see what she says? It might be better in the long run to have one difficult conversation than to have this sitting in the back of your mind this early in the process. As a reality check, I would feel the same way you do.

You said it well, agree 100%

[Anonymous]

It would bother me, but I would suggest that maybe this is a communication issue.

I personally am very succinct in my written communication. I read the original message, acknowledge and tend to respond as efficiently as possible. I have to stop yourself, re-read and sprinkle the 'small talk' afterwards in my message.

I am not trying to excuse the behavior, but I am wondering if this also comes up in Skype conversation? Is she engaged or asking about the kids on Skype? If she is, perhaps she is simply not a great email communicator...

[Anonymous]

I suggest trying to set up a Skype call with her, and have the kids talk with her for part of the call. See how she responds to them and notice whether she tries to engage them. If she doesn't make a big effort, I would consider this a red flag. This should be the honeymoon period when she's trying to impress you. She's not likely to be showing more interest in the kids four months into her stay than she is now.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that would make me really uncomfortable. I agree with PP's suggestion to Skype with her and the kids and see how she responds.

[Anonymous]

Cancel the match today. It's a huge red flag for me. We are currently finalizing a match and she's so interested in the kids. I send her pictures like you did and she comes back taking more about the kids than the event. That's the natural reaction that I expect. My kids are 4 and 6

[Anonymous]

Did you tell her what you hope to learn about her culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell her what you hope to learn about her culture?

FYI PP, context and detail both matter when analyzing a situation (this applies to this post and life in general, in case you have not realized that yet, so consider this a tip). If AP had written to HF describing some event she participated in at home, or some cultural tradition, then certainly the OP or any recently-matched HF should write back with interest. That's NOT what is happening here. The HF took the time to send AP videos to help the bonding process (esp. showing the house -- Hello!!!! This is a good, invested HF!!), and the AP has responded in an entirely self-centric way. Not even a "oh so cute! I love Cindy's cute stuffed animals" or something like that. This kind of stuff should come naturally to a good AP who is coming here for the right reasons.

I have slogged through year with a self-centric AP whom I came to believe did not actually like kids very much, and strongly advise OP to suss this out now, before AP arrives. I don't think asking her outright would be helpful b/c I think it would be difficult to frame the question in a way that would get an honest or useful response. I DO agree hugely with the advice to Skype and see how the AP interacts with the kids. OP, if you do this, do not interject and help the conversation(s) along. Put the kids in front of the computer (both and/or one at a time) and let it happen. A good AP will find a way to interact with your kids, nerves or no nerves. I won't match until I do this several times. What kinds of questions did this AP ask during matching? About your family, the kids? Or just about perks, etc? Did the AP interact with kids via Skype at all previously? Did you have any of these concerns during matching?

My current awesome AP asked all about my daughter during interviews, and after we matched (I use WhatsApp to keep in touch), and my next AP coming in August has been doing the same (fingers crossed). I think this is a red flag and you want to get to the bottom of it now. If it was a fluke, then great. But maybe it wasn't and you want/need to know that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell her what you hope to learn about her culture?

FYI PP, context and detail both matter when analyzing a situation (this applies to this post and life in general, in case you have not realized that yet, so consider this a tip). If AP had written to HF describing some event she participated in at home, or some cultural tradition, then certainly the OP or any recently-matched HF should write back with interest. That's NOT what is happening here. The HF took the time to send AP videos to help the bonding process (esp. showing the house -- Hello!!!! This is a good, invested HF!!), and the AP has responded in an entirely self-centric way. Not even a "oh so cute! I love Cindy's cute stuffed animals" or something like that. This kind of stuff should come naturally to a good AP who is coming here for the right reasons.

I have slogged through year with a self-centric AP whom I came to believe did not actually like kids very much, and strongly advise OP to suss this out now, before AP arrives. I don't think asking her outright would be helpful b/c I think it would be difficult to frame the question in a way that would get an honest or useful response. I DO agree hugely with the advice to Skype and see how the AP interacts with the kids. OP, if you do this, do not interject and help the conversation(s) along. Put the kids in front of the computer (both and/or one at a time) and let it happen. A good AP will find a way to interact with your kids, nerves or no nerves. I won't match until I do this several times. What kinds of questions did this AP ask during matching? About your family, the kids? Or just about perks, etc? Did the AP interact with kids via Skype at all previously? Did you have any of these concerns during matching?

My current awesome AP asked all about my daughter during interviews, and after we matched (I use WhatsApp to keep in touch), and my next AP coming in August has been doing the same (fingers crossed). I think this is a red flag and you want to get to the bottom of it now. If it was a fluke, then great. But maybe it wasn't and you want/need to know that now.

I agree with the Skype call, but I would suggest taking it a step farther. Arrange a skype call, but have your kids answer it while you sit across the room ostensibly doing something else. Make sure that the kids know that this is their call with the AP, and you'll be able to see how they interact.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thank you for the advice. DH & I went back and compared our previous AP's email responses to the welcome video and emails to make sure we were not over thinking this and there definitely is a delta from our previous two (full year/good experience) APs. We are going with the skype & children only (they have skyped previously prior to match) to get a read on the interaction then we will talk with her.

This is our third AP so we know what we are doing with the matching process; but this validating or second thought post match is a new one. We appreciate the advice and suggestions!