Son tells me Au Pair in Mean
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Anonymous
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I have been a host mother for the past 10 months. I have two children 5.5 and 3.5. Both of my children seem to have fun with our au pair, but I wouldn't say that they are close. My youngest child still cries in the morning when the au pair starts, but warms up to her after a few minutes. Lately, my older child has been telling me that our au pair ignores him and yells at our younger child constantly. My younger son has been telling us he hates her. When I try to get them to explain more, they don't say much more other than that they don't like our au pair and can't wait until the new one starts.
I want to take my children's statements and reactions very seriously, however I want to approach this the right away with our au pair. I've had issues with our au pair throughout the year, nothing major, just issues related to communication and not keeping up on tasks or chores. I know that my kids aren't crazy about her, but I didn't expect them to speak so negatively about her. She's leaving soon, but I don't want to dismiss my kids statements. Any suggestions about how to address these comments? |
Anonymous
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She needs to go. Your kids are telling you something important.
It started like this for my former AP and o confronted it head on. Told her I better not hear crap like that or she could pack hwr bags. |
Anonymous
| How did you approach her? Did you just come out and say, "my kids have been telling me you are mean etc?" |
Anonymous
| If she's leaving soon, this could just be their way of mentally separating from her. But you should definitely check in with her, and perhaps bring the kids in on the conversation. |
Anonymous
Yup. I went head on with her. I told her to consider my children little cameras and they tell me everything. I told her to treat my kids thr same way she would treat them in front of me. I told her that if I feel I need to install cameras in thr house, it will be time to go home. Doesn't this info infuriate you? I was fucking fuming. I was direct and really had to restrain myself. She did sweeten up. I was very clear that I never wanted to have a conversation with my kids like that again and then was clear as day with my children that they could tell me anything. |
Anonymous
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Listen to your kids, especially if their stories corroborate that the au pair is mean to one of them. My kids told me the same thing and I told them to suck it up. It is one of my great regrets in life.
If I were you I'd be tempted to try to find a way to send this au pair home early, if only to show your kids that you respect them and believe in them and prioritize them. This just isn't right. |
Anonymous
Agree. My only caveat is to make sure that you are satisfied that it's not a situation where the word "mean" is being used loosely -- sometimes kids use that word to apply to a situation they generally don't like, but it's not a case of someone being "mean" (i.e. before she was old enough to really understand what "mean" means, my daughter used to tell me I was "mean" if I gave her a consequence for bad behavior, or said no to something she wanted.... she didn't have the words to articulate it otherwise, so reverted to "mean" to express her displeasure with regular parenting stuff). If you are satisfied that it's not something like this (and you can ask yourself what you yourself have seen when the AP interactions with them -- my guess is that your gut knows), PP is right. Side with your kids. |
Anonymous
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OP here. This has been my main concern. How do I consider what my children have told me (very vague statements) and address them with my au pair? When I asked for them to elaborate or explain what they mean by her ignoring them, yelling or being mean I can't really get any specifics. I realize its hard at their ages to articulate. Also, they both only bring this up when they don't want me to leave.
I still want to talk to my au pair, but want to do so without being accusatory or angry. |
Anonymous
Is there any way you can work from home, or otherwise be around (maybe upstairs?) while AP is working, and sort of eavesdrop/watch to see what's up? |
Anonymous
| I do work from home frequently and haven't seen any major red flags, other than her just being more disengaged than I would like. Other parents have noted that she is playful with them, however my kids have never completely warmed up to her in the way they have with other nannies. As time has gone by I've realized she has used this experience to socialize and be in the US, the kids are just a small part of it to her. I sense that even at their young age they realize this too. Either way, I'll be glad when she's no longer around. |
Anonymous
| Maybe your kids are used to being are for by a professional nanny. This is not hating an the au pair program, it's just that maybe your kids are used to a more attentive caregiver and they don't like this new situation. Aupairs aren't in it for the childcare, they want the US experience. |
Anonymous
Sigh. This is not true for all, even most, APs. My current AP adores my daughter and is a total rock star. She goes above and beyond and the child care is just as much a part of her experience as the "US experience" as you call it. My child loves her, and has loved our prior APs as well. She will be in our lives forever, and I'm thrilled to consider her like family. I've had live out sitters and nannies too, and my APs have all been as good, if not better, caregivers as the nannies/sitters (and I also loved my sitters). I was home for 3 years with my child before going back to work, and during that time I saw PLENTY of "professional nannies" ignoring the kids at the park, looking bored and disengaged, as they gossiped to one another. There are good caregivers of all kinds, and bad caregivers of all kinds. It astounds me what a broad brush you use when painting your inaccurate picture of the AP program. |
Anonymous
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I think ignoring & yelling are specific enough offenses that you can trust your 5 yo's report OP. I wouldn't berate the AP, but I would bring up that you've heard some concerning things from the children and want to hear her side of the story before deciding what action to take. She may end up offering more details for you to understand what has happened.
Then, discuss with your husband and decide how to proceed - whether you'll give her a warning or just go straight into rematch. |
Anonymous
Would 'no discussion' be allowed? |
Anonymous
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I watch a boy who went through a phase when everyone was 'mean' when things were not going his way or doing what he wanted. I would ask him to share and I was 'mean', I would say it was lunch time (and he wanted to play) and I was mean. They were always benign things that were mean. I made sure to let his parents know what has going on and sure enough, he was doing it at home too when he was not getting his way.
So, I'm not discounting your children's complaints, but some kids just go through that phase. BTW, a couple of months later and he's grown out of that and I have not heard him say that again. 
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