Son tells me Au Pair in Mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It's okay to hate her. I still hate the 8 year old I au paired for 10 years ago (not US)."

No, it's not OK to hate a child, and just because you do also does not make it right. It is OK to hate the behavior and to seek to stop the behavior, but it is not OK to hate the child or to see the child AS the behavior.


This is the very basis of childcare 101, and if you don't understand this, you have no business working with children.

I am a mom. Hate might be a strong word, but a strong dislike for a child is a real possible feeling. No need to bring this poster down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's okay to hate her. I still hate the 8 year old I au paired for 10 years ago (not US)."

No, it's not OK to hate a child, and just because you do also does not make it right. It is OK to hate the behavior and to seek to stop the behavior, but it is not OK to hate the child or to see the child AS the behavior.


This is the very basis of childcare 101, and if you don't understand this, you have no business working with children.

I am a mom. Hate might be a strong word, but a strong dislike for a child is a real possible feeling. No need to bring this poster down.

I don't care if you're a mom. A childcare provider who harbors HATE for a CHILD (not his or her behavior, the child him or herself) eight or ten years after working with him or her briefly (the admitted case in both situations) is not someone anyone should ever want caring for their children. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It's okay to hate her. I still hate the 8 year old I au paired for 10 years ago (not US)."

No, it's not OK to hate a child, and just because you do also does not make it right. It is OK to hate the behavior and to seek to stop the behavior, but it is not OK to hate the child or to see the child AS the behavior.


This is the very basis of childcare 101, and if you don't understand this, you have no business working with children.

I am a mom. Hate might be a strong word, but a strong dislike for a child is a real possible feeling. No need to bring this poster down.

I don't care if you're a mom. A childcare provider who harbors HATE for a CHILD (not his or her behavior, the child him or herself) eight or ten years after working with him or her briefly (the admitted case in both situations) is not someone anyone should ever want caring for their children. The end.

Meanwhile, so much hate in your post...
Good luck with all your kids' caretakers and teachers over the years!

[Anonymous]

No hate at all. Simply stating the fact that someone who hates a child and not behavior after eight years isn't someone who should be caring for or working with children.


Signed, a teacher who does not hate any child who has ever come into any of her classes, even though sometimes the students' behaviors can be challenging, and the host mom of eleven amazing au pairs who have adored my children even while sometimes not loving the behaviors they have had to work with (children are children and not robots)

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have come to the conclusion that my au pair may not be mean in an abusive sense, but neglectful. I came home from work last night and was in our living room, she was in the kitchen doing dishes and putting away our kids food. My older kid slammed his finger in a drawer and screamed in pain. Because it was already 5:00 and her time was up she didn't even look at him and just let him scream with a bloody finger. I called her our for her lack of concern. Her response was that she wasn't working. He lack of ability to help out beyond a few minutes past her scheduled hours is enough for me to ask for a rematch even if there's only a few short months left. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have come to the conclusion that my au pair may not be mean in an abusive sense, but neglectful. I came home from work last night and was in our living room, she was in the kitchen doing dishes and putting away our kids food. My older kid slammed his finger in a drawer and screamed in pain. Because it was already 5:00 and her time was up she didn't even look at him and just let him scream with a bloody finger. I called her our for her lack of concern. Her response was that she wasn't working. He lack of ability to help out beyond a few minutes past her scheduled hours is enough for me to ask for a rematch even if there's only a few short months left. Good riddance.

\

Good lord, OP, that is horrible. I would make sure that this incident goes into her transition report. Sometimes the regional director writes in situations that are the "straw that broke the back" and this sounds like one of those things that should get written.

Our first AP did something similar: Our son had a febrile seizure and ended up in the hospital (he was 18 months). The next day, when we came home, she never asked a single question or inquired about his well-being. When I asked her about this, her response was "I see him so I know he is fine." We rematched that day. Her next family thought as little of her as we did.

A good AP does not turn off empathy when she is off from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No hate at all. Simply stating the fact that someone who hates a child and not behavior after eight years isn't someone who should be caring for or working with children.


Signed, a teacher who does not hate any child who has ever come into any of her classes, even though sometimes the students' behaviors can be challenging, and the host mom of eleven amazing au pairs who have adored my children even while sometimes not loving the behaviors they have had to work with (children are children and not robots)

I can hate whomever I want. She is the only human I hate. I've never had an issue with any other child.

[Anonymous]

OP, you absolutely made the right call. A PP said it best..you don't turn off empathy when you clock out. Your kids likely picked up on her lack of actual concern for them, and in their limited emotional vocabulary, explained it as "meanness."

To the side shows above who posted about "hating" their host kids -- I think the negative visceral reaction people (including me, although this is my first post about it) are having is that the use of the word "hate" directed a child (and in these cases, children 8 and under, I believe) is negatively surprising coming from people who have held a caregiver role. Also the fact that Side Show #1 replied to a horrifying story of clear abuse of a 7 year old, with zero words of empathy and only a "sometimes the kids deserve the hate" kind of message -- really offputting and says a lot about the poster who wrote those words. Who can read that story about the 7 year old cowering in the corner having peed her pants from fear and not feel sadness? But instead feel only motivation to post a story that essentially tries to justify the position of the abuser AP who made the child cower in the corner? I can only shake my head and hope that I don't ever come across a caregiver like this poster.


I think also generally, use of the word "hate" when discussing children (aimed at the child and not the behavior) is immature and a sign of a lack of emotional and actual intelligence. I don't use that word even about adults that I can't stand (other than maybe terrorists or murderers or something extreme like that). The word should generally be reserved, if used at all, for inanimate objects (like brussel sprouts or long division)... and to hear it used so freely about a child under the age of 10 is jarring to most reasonable people. Sure, some kids have terrible behavior (likely the result of bad parenting choices, or perhaps medical issues, or sometimes just because) and it's ok to dislike it, or even "hate" the behavior. But hate directed at a child/person - to me is a just mirror into the shortcomings of the person who says they "hate" the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have come to the conclusion that my au pair may not be mean in an abusive sense, but neglectful. I came home from work last night and was in our living room, she was in the kitchen doing dishes and putting away our kids food. My older kid slammed his finger in a drawer and screamed in pain. Because it was already 5:00 and her time was up she didn't even look at him and just let him scream with a bloody finger. I called her our for her lack of concern. Her response was that she wasn't working. He lack of ability to help out beyond a few minutes past her scheduled hours is enough for me to ask for a rematch even if there's only a few short months left. Good riddance.

This story is sad OP! Definitely rematch. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this. I know the stress of wondering whether your child is well-cared for in your absence, and your AP's complete ambivalence about your son's well-bring is all the confirmation you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No hate at all. Simply stating the fact that someone who hates a child and not behavior after eight years isn't someone who should be caring for or working with children.


Signed, a teacher who does not hate any child who has ever come into any of her classes, even though sometimes the students' behaviors can be challenging, and the host mom of eleven amazing au pairs who have adored my children even while sometimes not loving the behaviors they have had to work with (children are children and not robots)

I can hate whomever I want. She is the only human I hate. I've never had an issue with any other child.

NP here. Just because you "can" do something doesn't mean that you "should," nor does it make it right. Maybe what you really hate is your inability to handle the child's behavior. Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Question regarding a rematch-does this type of information or incident follow them to their next family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question regarding a rematch-does this type of information or incident follow them to their next family?

It should be in the file for each rematch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question regarding a rematch-does this type of information or incident follow them to their next family?

Nope. APIA and CC do not disclose any real information or facilitate HF direct contact. I know AP's have found a way to contact each other but generally the AP leaving a family just wants out and does forewarn incoming AP of situation. AP's can hear from HF why they are in rematch and vice versa, but validating anything through an agency is not easy.

[Anonymous]

Sneaky, sneaky, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question regarding a rematch-does this type of information or incident follow them to their next family?

Nope. APIA and CC do not disclose any real information or facilitate HF direct contact. I know AP's have found a way to contact each other but generally the AP leaving a family just wants out and does forewarn incoming AP of situation. AP's can hear from HF why they are in rematch and vice versa, but validating anything through an agency is not easy.

CC does provide contact info of the rematching HF. It's up to the potential new HF to reach out. Also the rematching HF can provide details in the transition doc. It may be glossed over but rematching HF should push for as many details as possible.