Aupair quit to get married
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Anonymous
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After 18 months with us, with no notice. She said the immigration attorney she and her boyfriend hired advised them to get married right away and completing her Aupair contract didn't matter (2.5 months left). She said she needed to do what was best for her and she would now get a work permit in a month for a real job. Further, she said she doesn't need the $200 stipend and her husband would support her. We are crushed that she would do this. Is this really as easy as she says? I feel like a fool for hosting her for so long and not considering that she would do this. Also, we are struggling with finding affordable back up care. The agency has been unsupportive and unhelpful.
Next Aupair was already chosen when this happened and kindly moved up her arrival by a month, so we can't switch agencies now. Don't know if I will ever trust an Aupair the same way after this. Has this happened to anyone else and what did you do? |
Anonymous
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Yes, yes it is so easy.
Usually within the AP groups it's advised to get married on the last work day or during the travel month as getting married during their AP year is inconsiderate... but that seems to be how some people role. Sorry about how she has treated you OP. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry, OP. How old is she and which agency? |
Anonymous
And which nationality (out of curiosity...). We discussed this recently that AP who get married in the USA tend to be from Latin/South America. Wondering if that's the case here. |
Anonymous
This is our experience (in 10 years of hosting). We hosted LA/SA early on, and while our APs didn't get married, many (most?) of their friends did. We switched to German speakers six years ago, and not AP nor one friend of an AP has gotten married here. |
Anonymous
| It's not that easy. My former AP got married at the end of her second term, July 2013. She did not get her work permit to work legally until May of 2014. There were a lot of immigration visits and she could not go to school or travel to see her family (Colombia) during this time - her husband was the sole support for the 2 of them. It's all worked out well, but there is no guarantee that it will work at all. |
Anonymous
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Did she literally tell you she was quitting and then pack out the next day? I imagine she must have given you a week or two of warning so she could set a court date and get married no?
I know that different families do this differently, but I find that relying on an au pair as my primary source of childcare means that I need multiple forms of back-up childcare. 2 weeks vacation, however many weeks gap between APs (I don't like to limit my candidate pool to only people available to arrive the Friday after old AP leaves - I give myself a one month window), sick days, and back up sitters to supplement during the weeks that DH is on work travel and I need more than 45 hours of care - as well as some kind of arrangement available on short notice for potential rematch. Obviously, we hope to never be in rematch, but I can't plan my life assuming it's never going to happen. My point, basically, is that hosting an au pair means having at least three back-up & supplemental childcare options. I wouldn't be able to make it work otherwise, and I say that as some one who has quite a bit of leave. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry you are going through this, OP. I don't think I could trust an OP the same way again, either.
I have had one AP who got married on her last day with me in January. She didn't receive her working papers for three months. She couldn't leave the country for 6 months. It has worked out for her and I adore her husband. |
Anonymous
| Yes,had a Thai au pair do that three months in. I was 10 days away from my due date with my fourth child. Agency was Cultural Care, was horrible to us. |
Anonymous
| I've heard this is the case with Thai APs a lot. Reason #2 I don't consider them (the first being driving.) |
Anonymous
| Wow you all are doing some serious stereotyping. |
Anonymous
Yep, we are. But when you are housing someone who takes care of your kids for a year based on a few skype interviews and a poorly-written application, you go with what you've got. It's not like a nanny where you can talk to the last 3 employers and get a good sense of the person. |
Anonymous
It is WRONG to hold an entire race of people accountable for the actions of individuals. There is no defense of this behavior. |
Anonymous
It's a country, not a race. And it's perfectly reasonable to decide you don't want an au pair from a particular country for any reason. Some people don't like Germans and Swedes because they are too cold. Some don't like Latin APs because they may not be on time enough, etc. Different countries and cultures have different tenancies. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but I'm not taking my chances sticking my kids in a car with someone who has a license from Thailand, where the driving is crazy and the licencing process is a joke. |
Anonymous
So is it okay to judge all host moms as a cheap stereotyping monolith? |