au pair would rather go into the blizzard...

[Anonymous]

our au pair would rather go into the blizzard to stay at a friends house for the weekend - then stay here. i don't get it. we seem to have a great relationship when she's on duty, but when she's off she completely disappears and doesn't want to have anything to do with us. most of the time, i don't even know if she's home or not.

her mother told her tonight that she needed to stay put, and not try to go to her friends house. when she told me she was staying, we were about to sit down to a big family dinner, but she didn't want to join. she never joins us for dinner. unless she's on duty.

she's an extension au pair - and from her it sounds like her previous HM was very difficult and harsh with her - and she didn't spend anytime with the family off duty.

makes me wonder if she's not feeling good here - or if this is her MO.

after she declined dinner, i brought down a bunch of movies because i knew she would be there alone and probably bored.

should i be worried? going into the blizzard seemed a bit extreme.

[Anonymous]

I would much rather spend a blizzard with a friend gossiping and drinking wine than with my host family or even in normal day to day life!

[Anonymous]

My AP, who actually likes us (we catch up on life at night after the kids go to bed, she joins us for family dinners when she's off, etc.) Is also dying to spend the weekend with a friend and is trying to arrange for a neighborhood AP to walk over and stay here, watch movies etc. So I don't think that part is weird when left with the prospect of spending all your off time trapped in the house. But what you're describing seems more like an underlying issue of your AP's happiness with your family. So it's not just about the blizzard and I would try to get to the bottom of the larger issue.

[Anonymous]

HM here. As far as I'm concerned, my AP could spend the blizzard with whomever she wants.

However...

If she needs to take the car to see the friend, forget it. If the conditions are too unsafe for us to drive, they are also too unsafe for her to drive.

If she were scheduled (within the normal allowable hours) to work at all this weekend or Monday, I wouldn't allow it. It's very likely the roads won't be passable by Monday, and we would be without needed childcare.

I would also give her a bit of extra time off after the storm has passed and the roads are safe again. These blizzards are tough to get through, and the cabin fever can wear you down.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I really like my coworkers a lot. But I never want to go to lunch or out to drinks with them. I'm an introvert. If I don't have to be with them I don't want to be. I consider my friends, my family, practically an extension of my own self. It doesn't sap energy to be with my friends. But I'm "on" when with coworkers, and it does sap energy.

All that to say, maybe she just needs a break from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:our au pair would rather go into the blizzard to stay at a friends house for the weekend - then stay here. i don't get it. we seem to have a great relationship when she's on duty, but when she's off she completely disappears and doesn't want to have anything to do with us. most of the time, i don't even know if she's home or not.

her mother told her tonight that she needed to stay put, and not try to go to her friends house. when she told me she was staying, we were about to sit down to a big family dinner, but she didn't want to join. she never joins us for dinner. unless she's on duty.

she's an extension au pair - and from her it sounds like her previous HM was very difficult and harsh with her - and she didn't spend anytime with the family off duty.

makes me wonder if she's not feeling good here - or if this is her MO.

after she declined dinner, i brought down a bunch of movies because i knew she would be there alone and probably bored.

should i be worried? going into the blizzard seemed a bit extreme.

Nothing wrong with needing a break from your children.

[Anonymous]

It would be more fun to be with friends during a snowstorm, for sure - I remember being in college in the dorms during a huge snowstorm and having a blast with classes canceled, etc. But it sounds like there's more going on if she's not really involved with family life. Maybe by the second year she's more into doing her own thing rather than integrating with an American family during her personal time. She's had the experience already. But never eating dinner together does sound a little odd.

[Anonymous]

Most APs need to be out and about, as much as possible. That's why they came here.

[Anonymous]

My au pair just walked miles in this weather to meet up with another au pair friend. I would suspect it was yours, OP, except I don't think this friend is an extension AP.

I thought it was completely ridiculous but she's an adult, and it's her choice.

[Anonymous]

I know is hard for host families to understand why the au pair do not want to spend time with you. While she/he might still enjoy your family, most au pairs connect with other au pair and make real friendships.
Sometime is help if host families put themselves in the au pair shoes. When you where their age, did you rather spend time with your family or did you rather spend time with your friends.

Although the going into the blizzard is a bit extreme, maybe she just really want to get out of the house. You have to consider your au pair personality and let her make her own choices. As long as she is safe and not putting herself in any danger situation let her be. Warning her abou the danger of a blizzard in a nice and not too negative way is recommend.

If for some reason you believe she is not happy, have a friendly informal conversation with her. Try to explain how you feel, and just want to check if everything is ok. Let her know that she is more than welcome to spend more time with your family; however, also let her know that is no obligated in any way. Also Make sure to let her know that as long as she is happy you are also happy.

I am new Cultural Care LCC in Arlington, VA and a former au pair. Let me know if you need any help going through the program.

[Anonymous]

Au pair here:
This is so ridiculous. HFs treat APs like children. I understand some APs do act like children, but was the HFs fault to pick an immature au pair to care for their children.
It looks like HFs think au pairs are too young, immature and irresponsible. If that your view of au pairs why the hell do you have an au pair?
Why the hell do you have this irresponsible immature young girl taking care yours kids?
Now that I have been an au pair for 6 months I can say that HFs are just cheap families that want 45 hours of childcare for $200 per week plus the agency fee.
They sign up for the program and cannot stop complaining about their au pair.
HFs are more immature than APs. If you have a problem talk to your au pair. Don't ask other HFs opinions or support for your controlling and bitching situations.

I walked to another au pair house this saturday and it was just fine. I much rather walk for a few blocks in the snow than stay in the house with my boring host family and screaming and spoiled host kids. If I am not working and I have the opportunity to go do something fun I will.

I wonder if this is my host family bitching about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Au pair here:
This is so ridiculous. HFs treat APs like children. I understand some APs do act like children, but was the HFs fault to pick an immature au pair to care for their children.
It looks like HFs think au pairs are too young, immature and irresponsible. If that your view of au pairs why the hell do you have an au pair?
Why the hell do you have this irresponsible immature young girl taking care yours kids?
Now that I have been an au pair for 6 months I can say that HFs are just cheap families that want 45 hours of childcare for $200 per week plus the agency fee.
They sign up for the program and cannot stop complaining about their au pair.
HFs are more immature than APs. If you have a problem talk to your au pair. Don't ask other HFs opinions or support for your controlling and bitching situations.

I walked to another au pair house this saturday and it was just fine. I much rather walk for a few blocks in the snow than stay in the house with my boring host family and screaming and spoiled host kids. If I am not working and I have the opportunity to go do something fun I will.

I wonder if this is my host family bitching about me.

You sound like a fabulous Au Pair. Assuming you have the same wonderful attitude in your host family's home, I am sure they have nothing but glowing things to say about you.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. And I am sure the HF is devastated when an au pair with this much charm chooses not to spend time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Au pair here:
This is so ridiculous. HFs treat APs like children. I understand some APs do act like children, but was the HFs fault to pick an immature au pair to care for their children.
It looks like HFs think au pairs are too young, immature and irresponsible. If that your view of au pairs why the hell do you have an au pair?
Why the hell do you have this irresponsible immature young girl taking care yours kids?
Now that I have been an au pair for 6 months I can say that HFs are just cheap families that want 45 hours of childcare for $200 per week plus the agency fee.
They sign up for the program and cannot stop complaining about their au pair.
HFs are more immature than APs. If you have a problem talk to your au pair. Don't ask other HFs opinions or support for your controlling and bitching situations.

I walked to another au pair house this saturday and it was just fine. I much rather walk for a few blocks in the snow than stay in the house with my boring host family and screaming and spoiled host kids. If I am not working and I have the opportunity to go do something fun I will.

I wonder if this is my host family bitching about me.

Crank AP responder at 13:18: the OP came here to get advice about her perspective that her AP does not seem to want to spend time with the HF. Her post makes clear that she would love if the AP would spend time with the family, and she is concerned that the AP's failure to do so might be a sign the AP is unhappy, and wanted some advice. The responders provided with polite and varied perspectives.

What exactly is it about this exchange that you think is "so ridiculous"? Because really the only thing "ridiculous" here is your reply -- you were clearly just looking for a reason to complain! I am so glad my AP is nothing like you. I know immature APs are out there, and your post really does demonstrate that fact, but thankfully you and your attitude are not a typical example of the AP population in my experience. I feel sorry for you HF, as if this is how you behave to them, or behind their backs, they got a dud.

[Anonymous]

OP here, i totally understand (and would do the same) to spend time with friends and get a break from the family. my biggest concern was that it was a symptom of her not being happy here because she spends no family time. all in the hopes of making the best of this year.

to the au pair 13:18: you sound immature and clueless. i feel sorry for your HF. and hope one day they see how nasty you are and call a rematch right away.