Hiring my mother as a nanny!
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Anonymous
| Hi there. Does anyone know or have had personal experience with hiring own parent as a nanny. I would like to hire my mother as a nanny for my 1 year old baby as I return to work. I was able to find out that IRS has exceptions for parents providing nanny care for grandchildren - there is no FUTA (federal unemployment insurance tax), but I have not been able to find info on Medicare/Social Sec tax or Virginia unemployment and other state taxes. Can anyone advise me on where to find this info? Thanks |
Anonymous
|
You might want to really think this through. These are some questions to ask:
How is your mother's health and fitness? Is she capable of running around after a toddler, getting up and down off of the floor repeatedly and doing all the other physical tasks associated with taking care of a toddler/preschooler? How many hours would she be working? How long would her commute be? Would the long hours and long commute add up to being too much after a few weeks? Can you do shorter days, hire a nanny for 1-2 days per week or offer her the option of living with you during the week if the commute is too long? How well do your parenting and discipline styles match? Is she willing to discuss issues with you, or is she going to handle them however she wants? For some parents, it's very hard to have a nanny who is significantly older than the parent, because the parent thinks the nanny is trying to tell them the best way to do things every time there is a conversation. Do you think you can handle those types of conversations with your mother? Most nannies know your area already, they have a network of nannies with children of a similar age for playdates, and they know about the opportunities for classes, story time and other fun activities. Does your mom have any of those, or is she willing to do the research? Will she be willing to take your child to activities and arrange playdates? Are you going to pay your mother enough that she doesn't start resenting that she is caring for your child or feeling that since she isn't paid as much as a nanny, she can decide to do things however she wants? For the tax info, you should probably talk to your accountant/tax preparer, and/or someone in the Virginia tax office. They should be able to give you enough information to see if it makes sense from a financial standpoint. |
Anonymous
| That'll be wonderful for your child, OP, as long as she's fairly competent. Lots of love and stability are a great thing. Most "nannied" children aren't getting that, for whatever reason. |
Anonymous
|
OP I think you're going to have a difficult time with this one. I've known many parents whose own parents ( the young children's grandparents) offered or in some cases insisted to provide full time care for infants and/or toddlers. In those cases the grandparents were well off financially and did not want to paid for their help. I am a nanny and I have personally worked with FOUR different families who were looking to replace a grandparent as full time caregiver. One of those families had a ten month old with a broken leg -- grandma fell down the stairs while carrying him. The second family's two year old suffered a broken arm at the playground while grandma "was taking a break on a bench on the other side of the playground." The third family thankfully had no injuries, but the mom was getting frustrated that grandma wasn't following her instructions, and had been feeding her 22 month old Oreos and kool aid regularly (the mom was sending a lunchbox with healthy food and wondered why it was never touched) and also let her watch "way too much tv." The mom said she "still has no idea how much tv" her toddler was watching, but "she knows all the characters from doc mcstuffins, caillou, Mickey mouse clubhouse, and more and we don't allow tv at home." The fourth family is my current family, they also had issues with grandma spoiling DS with sweets and tv. But they had two bigger issues: Grandma never enforced any rules or boundaries, and they've had a LOT of behavior issues in their son (now 2 years old), and also, grandma was often asking for days off with little to no notice. I'm told asking for a day off once per week with less than 48 hours notice was the norm, but the final straw was when she asked on a Friday afternoon to take the following Monday through Thursday off to visit a friend in another state.
I also often see the same grandmas at the local playground with their grandchildren. There are two of them, and they look so so tired every time. They each have two grandchildren to care for, one has an infant and a 3 year old, the other has a one year old and a four year old. They are both always sitting down on the benches, chatting, the baby is with them but the three other children are running around the playground. The older kids are always yelling "grandma come here! Come see me! Come play!" But their grandmas never budge. The one year old has, more than once, gotten into trouble (going too high up, getting stuck, trying to slide down the fire pole which is not safe for her it's very high up and she can't even really reach it but still tries) and I have had to be the one to help her because it seems if I don't she will fall down 6+ feet. I wonder what happens when I'm not there. And those grandparents all work on a voluntary basis! When you factor in money and employing your mom, it gets A LOT more complicated. If you pay her too little, she might get upset when she speaks with nannies nearby who make a lot more. If you pay her a competitive rate, then you're still paying as much as you would for a true professional nanny who will have had a lot more recent experience, will be more up to date on current child rearing standards (no spanking, on their backs to sleep, tummy time, no screen time for under 2.5, is she current in CPR for kids, etc), will be more likely to follow your instructions and treat it professionally (not take advantage of excessive time off, etc), and will be more likely to be physically up to things like wearing her in a baby carrier, or chasing her all over the playground, etc. And it's hard, even as a nanny who really likes my nanny family and knows they treat me pretty well, not to feel a little resentment towards them once in a while, for things like leaving dirty dishes in the sink or asking me to stay late, etc. The last thing to consider is something I've seen repeated on the DCUM non nanny forums a few times: Don't hire a nanny you can't fire. If the arrangement starts to go south, you're going to have such an unbelievably hard time telling your mom, dealing with hurt feelings, and even more resentment. If you really want to go down this road, something you might consider is having your mom be a part time nanny (1-2 days per week) and find another nanny part time (3-4 days per week). That would help your mom be less burned out, and if you do need to transition to a different nanny full time it will soften the blow a little and you'd already have another trusted nanny your child is familiar with. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Some moms will envy you, OP. If you like, you can take it one month at a time and see how things go. No need to sign a year long contract. Just see how things go. |
Anonymous
| I think there's a 1900 annual cutoff so we are paying her that plus covering expenses. |
Anonymous
Anything 1900 or more must be reported. So you're planning on paying your mom only $1899?! |
Anonymous
Right. She didn't really want money for it. I'm paying for her travel etc. |
Anonymous
| OP, if you actually plan to pay your mom $1899/year, you are insane. Even a loving grandma needs financial reward for working an often challenging, occasionally difficult, and very isolating job. |
Anonymous
| Maybe she really doesn't need the money from her daughter. We have no clue. |
Anonymous
Ok, legally you can gift up to $10k (I think that's the right number, but positive), but you can't reimburse commute to you for an employee, so you might want to be clear on what is done in the role of employer and what's as her daughter. The other issue is that grandparents who make less than minimum wage frequently don't prioritize the same things a nanny would. A professional isn't going to call off unless there's a reason, there's going to be plenty of lead time if days off are needed/wanted, they will enforce discipline and nutrition. A grandparent is usually more interested in the child wanting to be with them than being the disciplinarian. I would suggest that you talk to your mom asap. Make sure that you and she agree on discipline, food, activities. If it still seems like a viable alternative to paying a professional nanny, pay your mom the $1899 per year as wages, then do as much as you legally can as a gift. Otherwise, you will be dealing with resentment or a nightmare. |
Anonymous
The last of the big time spenders, aren't you? Resentment will start immediately. Pay her a decent salary. She is your mother not your slave. |
Anonymous
This was her idea... Completely unsolicited. She and my dad's idea to make the payment under the tax threshold. Other than that she just wants to be taken out to lunch, etc. this would not work for everyone but I cannot see my mom getting resentful over it. It's also temporary - basically 6ish months until we get through a major house move with a two year old and a new baby. |
Anonymous
| Lol Good luck, you're going to need it! |
Anonymous
| Why the hate here? Not every family needs to be dysfunctional. |