Need advice. Let go and start over, or...something else?

[Anonymous]

We hired a new nanny just over a month ago. She'd babysat for us several times and seemed like she got along well with the kids and was able to manage them well. We have four: two elementary age, two preschool. We are paying the nanny the rate she requested (market).

Our oldest has ADHD and can be a real handful to deal with. He is truly inattentive and struggles A LOT with task initiation, staying on task, and prioritizing. When he's overwhelmed, he resists. He's by no means an easy kid to deal with, but if you take the time to understand where he's coming from and what's behind how he behaves, you can usually manage the situation and get him on track.

New nanny has decided he is just disrespectful because he doesn't listen to her. Well, he doesn't HEAR her half the time because he's too absorbed in what he's doing, and even if he does hear her, it takes him a lot longer to shift gears than his super compliant brother. New nanny just believes he is disrespectful to her when not listening quickly. She can't seem to understand that the inattention/hyperfocus is part of who he is and is not intentional defiance. This week, he was awful one day after school. Called her an idiot as she tried to get him to do homework (this was after she pressed him on it for quite a while; not his first response). She has pretty much concluded that he is just a terribly disrespectful child and she has no control over him.

She has informed me that she wants me to come up with a plan of some sort that involves her not having to be independently responsible for all four of them, like I have to be home from work every day after school or she never has to try to get him to do homework. She seems like she's decided she just doesn't like him because he's not "good". I fully admit he can be a hard kid to deal with, but he's also incredibly kind and genuine and wonderful and funny, but she seems to have entirely ignored that side of him.

What to do? It's not feasible for me to be home after school every day, though I do try to be home as often as possible. Do I let her go and just try to start fresh? Hire a second person for after school just to help my son with school work? If I hire another person for homework, I would not be inclined to have two paid childcare providers at home while I'm home (for those days I'm able to be home after school - which is anywhere from 2-4 days/wk usually), so I would really be disinclined to pay new nanny for those hours, as she has essentially declared she refused to take responsibility for the job she was hired for during those hours.

Any advice from wiser parents? I am at a loss here. I don't want to switch nannies so quickly for the sake of my younger ones, but I also don't want to continue to employ someone who clearly resents the presence of one of my children. To be clear, he's not violent, and from what I hear from other parents, I don't even think he's outside the range of normal for surly tween. Not sure what to do next. Nanny has basically given me until Monday to come up with my "plan".

[Anonymous]

You have to decide what you really want to be the outcome here.

I would want one person who could handle it. She is not that person, so I would start the search over, this time looking for someone specifically who can handle special needs.

If you are willing to take time off or hire a second person, then you have extra money to spend. You'll spend less of it offering a higher rate to someone with a background in special needs who will have a more appropriate response to your son.

Also, he needs to apologize or write her a card or something. That's on you. The goal is to make the nanny feel heard and taken seriously, even if you find her reaction inappropriate for the circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here.

This doesn't sound like a good fit, at all. Babysitters see the kids when they're winding down and going to bed, possibly during the day to have fun, so it's not a good gauge of how well the person can handle four kids in tougher circumstances. With that said, your child doesn't sound like he would require someone with special needs experience to me. There is a wide range of behavior that is still considered normal, and I've had several charges with much worse behavior, also not special needs. You need a nanny who is experienced at handling this age, experienced with getting kids to do homework when they do't want to do it (preferably without arguments, namecalling or other bad behavior, but that's less important than the homework being finished), and someone who is experienced enough to come to you with alternatives when the current situation no longer works, rather than expecting you to solve the problems.

I wish you luck, but I would definitely recommend a new nanny. Monday as the notice date, today and tomorrow to post and start screening. I would also suggest that you do homework with the child after you're done with work until you find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Cliff notes please, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cliff notes please, OP.

. You really can't blame her . I suggest look for professionals and pay well and they can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here.

This doesn't sound like a good fit, at all. Babysitters see the kids when they're winding down and going to bed, possibly during the day to have fun, so it's not a good gauge of how well the person can handle four kids in tougher circumstances. With that said, your child doesn't sound like he would require someone with special needs experience to me. There is a wide range of behavior that is still considered normal, and I've had several charges with much worse behavior, also not special needs. You need a nanny who is experienced at handling this age, experienced with getting kids to do homework when they do't want to do it (preferably without arguments, namecalling or other bad behavior, but that's less important than the homework being finished), and someone who is experienced enough to come to you with alternatives when the current situation no longer works, rather than expecting you to solve the problems.

I wish you luck, but I would definitely recommend a new nanny. Monday as the notice date, today and tomorrow to post and start screening. I would also suggest that you do homework with the child after you're done with work until you find someone else.[/quote i'm not sure most of you understand what's nannys responsibility. Please do have a research nanny not disciplined the children parents are.what do you expect your child if he's not listen to what she can do..The above is just agency writers if you really have idea about how to deal with the special-needs get a job take over

[Anonymous]

You have an incredibly difficult child who needs one-on-one attention plus three other children and you think she should be shown to handle all of them? Crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have an incredibly difficult child who needs one-on-one attention plus three other children and you think she should be shown to handle all of them? Crazy.

Three kids without behavioral issues, 1 child with normal preteen angst. If the nanny can't handle it, no, I don't think much of the nanny, and she needs to be replaced.

[Anonymous]

Start your search for a competent nanny over, and look into hiring someone who has worked with ADHD kids before and has experience helping kids with special needs manage their lives effectively. Have this new nanny (who will likely cost a bit more than an average babysitter) shadow you/act as your Mother's Helper for a week, and talk with her extensively about what works with your son.

You might even look for a nanny among current/former special ed teachers or behavior specialists. <<<Likely the wrong term, but I am not sure what would be correct?

The only reason I can see to hire a second person to help the NEW nanny you hire is if you yourself cannot adequately meet the needs of all 4 of your kids "working" the hours you seek from a nanny. In that case, I would say a specialty nanny focused on your oldest outside of school hours is a great idea.

Do you have a contract with your current nanny? If so, what is the required notice period/severance? Regardless of how long of a notice you have to give, I would find a new nanny/nannies and then tell current nanny on a Friday that she is finished working for you, retrieve all of your keys/change security codes, and give her however many weeks of severance you owe her before she leaves for good.

FWIW, I am a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PPs for the responses. (OP here.) We will look into hiring a new nanny. I've already spent some time emailing with a woman who has experience tutoring autistic kids of an age similar to my son, as well as "regular" nanny experience.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here.

I think you need a new nanny. Maybe one who has experience dealing with children who have special needs and/or behavioral issues. It sounds like the relationship between your oldest and current nanny is damaged and you don't want your child spending time with someone who clearly doesn't like him. In my experience that will make his behavior even worse.

Best of luck OP.

[Anonymous]

You need to find a nanny who is a good fit for all your kids

[Anonymous]

I don't think that you need to go the special needs route. Just find someone who has experience with older kids. I think that most nannies are used to the under 5 set, and think that older kids ought to be able to take care of themselves. But elementary schoolers and middle schoolers still have needs from the adult in the home. I would focus on finding someone used to caring for typical older kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that you need to go the special needs route. Just find someone who has experience with older kids. I think that most nannies are used to the under 5 set, and think that older kids ought to be able to take care of themselves. But elementary schoolers and middle schoolers still have needs from the adult in the home. I would focus on finding someone used to caring for typical older kids.

Have you worked with children who have special needs? It absolutely takes experience, and add three more kids on top of that? OP is right to find a nanny who's taught, tutored, or cared for ADHD kids before.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Talked to a candidate today who has worked with autistic kids as well as with "troubled" adolescents. Reference calls being made soon.

The more I think about it the more I realize current nanny just can't find her way back to being a good fit. It's too bad as we really liked her and she seemed to be genuinely excited about the job.