Supporting nanny / defiant 3 yo

[Anonymous]

We have a new nanny and I think she is working out great so far. Our set up is nanny stays with the baby for the morning and much of the afternoon while 3 yo is in full-day preschool. 3yo comes home around 4 and then is with nanny and baby until 6:30. Today preschool is closed for conferences and I'm working from home to be able to attend. I'll start by saying I know 3 yo acts up more when I'm around. Nanny took both kids to the playground. She came home somewhat frazzled but keeping it cool, and it comes out that 3 yo was being a total pill on the walk home from the playground, didn't want to walk, sitting down on the sidewalk, refusing to move, screaming, etc. Nanny eventually somehow balanced 3 yo on the stroller and got them both home. So. When nanny told me all this, I told 3 yo I was not happy with this behavior and we would talk about it after nap. Before they left, I had reminded 3 yo to behave and be a helper with the baby and said that bad behavior meant no movie (our normal routine is Friday night is movie night). Apparently nanny threatened/reminded 3 yo of this on the walk when she was having problems, so how I have told 3 yo no movie. I also mentioned to nanny a few things that work for us when 3 yo acts like this (making sure to leave before hunger/tiredness sets in, for example). I basically fine with the way nanny handled it, and embarrassed/annoyed that 3 yo acted this way. I know it's normal and it happens, but we are trying to keep a tight lid on it.

Anyway, my question is, anything else I should be doing to support nanny and/or apologize for the behavior? I like our nanny and feel bad because she does not have responsibility for 3 yo for full days most of the time, and 3 yo is a handful! I also think maybe I'm making too big a deal of trying to lay down the law and should just let nanny handle it. Just trying to get it right.

[Anonymous]

Have the nanny and your three year old had any real time together, or is this a new and unusual event?

It is difficult to start anew with that age, a nanny needs to be very experienced and very patient. I wouldn't expect your son's behavior with her to change a whole lot unless they have an opportunity to build their own relationship.

[Anonymous]

You never have to apologize for your child's behavior to his/her nanny. We get it.

Just back up the nanny 100% in your child's presence. If you feel there is a better way to handle a situation, discuss that with the nanny in private.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you're happy with how she's handling things, so just leave her to it. Make sure you make her feel like she can approach you if there are problems - but if she's fairly new, the 3yo will probably adjust soon enough and learn to see her as an authority figure.

I know pp said you don't have to apologise for your kids because we get it - and we do and you don't, but it really is good to hear sometimes that yes, the kid can be a pill, sorry he gave you such a hard time today. Acknowledging that someone had a tougher day than they should have had is supportive and nice. My old MB used to commiserate with me over our 3yo who was going through what I'm pretty sure was Satan phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you're happy with how she's handling things, so just leave her to it. Make sure you make her feel like she can approach you if there are problems - but if she's fairly new, the 3yo will probably adjust soon enough and learn to see her as an authority figure.

I know pp said you don't have to apologise for your kids because we get it - and we do and you don't, but it really is good to hear sometimes that yes, the kid can be a pill, sorry he gave you such a hard time today. Acknowledging that someone had a tougher day than they should have had is supportive and nice. My old MB used to commiserate with me over our 3yo who was going through what I'm pretty sure was Satan phase.

Thanks to the PPs. I don't want to be one of those parents with the rose-colored glasses about their own kid. He really CAN be charming and downright funny but he can also be in distinct need of an exorcism.

[Anonymous]

If your nanny is handling it well, then just empower her to use her judgment on what's appropriate in the moment.

[Anonymous]

She is a brat.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny and mother to a three year old. They talk about terrible twos but no one warns you about three...it's the worst! If your nanny is experienced, she gets this. I would just back up her decisions in front of the child. Do you have a double stroller? I rarely take my 3 year old out without his stroller. He will throw himself down in the middle of a busy street. Just take a deep breath, the nanny will figure it all out once she and your child bond.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully you are paying your nanny a little extra since she has to deal w/temperament issues.

That being said, it sounds as if your nanny is handling things wonderfully & it is great that you are supporting her actions in regards to disciplining your child. Working together can be challenging, but it sounds to me as if you are both making it work.

Just make sure that you stay consistent w/your child. If she misbehaves over + over again, then keep your word regarding her punishments. I.e., no movie on Friday night, etc.