Question about a potential cultural difference?

[Anonymous]

We are a first time host family. We have an au pair from Germany. She is very nice and we like her, but she never says thank you or shows any form of appreciation. We try to show her our appreciation all the time and thank her each day for her efforts. We have also gone out of our way to accommodate requests she has and bought her things we were not required to buy, and have done so to help her know that we view everything as a team and want to include her. But she never thanks us. Though this may sound like a trivial thing, it is starting to wear on us. We were not sure if this was a cultural difference, in which case we could certainly understand this is her custom, or if it was just her personality, which would be disappointing. Ironically, she is very good at insisting that our girls say please and thank you to her... Does anyone have any insights based on their own experience?

[Anonymous]

Yes. We have hosted six German au pairs over the years, and two of them were exactly the same as your AP. The first time, I seethed the whole year. I stopped doing for and giving to her because I was so annoyed by her lack of thanks. The second time this happened to us was years later, and I was a much older and more experienced host mom. This time, I simply said in a nice but clear manner, "in America, we really care about social niceties. When I do something for you, I expect a thank you. When you do something for me, I will always say thank you to you too." I made a joke about how Americans are so hung up on manners, etc., but she got my message loudly and clearly. This was never a problem again. I now have this in our household handbook, and I go over it with every single au pair, no matter what.

0P, I would address this in the exact same manner I did with the second one. Be very clear, very nice, but very direct and just tell her what you expect. I offered some examples as in, "when I make you a cup of fruit salad, I expect you to say thank you. Or when I buy you a special treat that I know you will like, I expect you to say thank you. yes all of this thank you-ing can be silly, but it is what we expect in our household."

[Anonymous]

Yes, agree. She is new to the country and does not realize please and thank you and I'm sorry and pardon me are expected of her.

[Anonymous]

We've had four Germans and they've all been sparing with thank your. It bothered me too. However I realized later with all of them how much they appreciated all we did for them just in different ways than regular thank yous. In fact, one of them made us a video at the end and listed the top ten things she loved about us and the top think was how frequently we said "thank you" and "we appreciate what you're doing" to her. She was surprised that that is normal to us and really liked it.

[Anonymous]

We have only had two German APs so far, about to start with our third -- I am surprised to read this! Maybe there are personality differences, and potentially more regional cultural differences within German? Our two APs have been from different parts of Germany -- one from the far north and one from the far south -- but both have been very appreciative and I have never noticed any issues in saying thanks (and we say thanks all the time). It will be interesting to see how it is with our next AP. I do like the idea of being straightforward about it -- it may be a cultural difference but one that can negatively affect relationships.

[Anonymous]

I have a new German au pair who also is not saying thank you, even though we include a section on gratitude in our handbook. AND, I am so big on gratitude that each and every night we say what we are thankful for at dinner. A few times already the kids have said that they are grateful that for something that the new au pair did for them and tonight I said I was grateful that the new AP cooked dinner. All she ever says that she is thankful for is that she gets to skype with her family at home. That's pretty much what she says each night. On the weekend, I took her out to eat with some of my kids. The kids thanked me for lunch. She said nothing. I may try the direct approach, but I also think maybe she just doesn't like us that much since she never even responds when we tell her that we are grateful for things she does for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a new German au pair who also is not saying thank you, even though we include a section on gratitude in our handbook. AND, I am so big on gratitude that each and every night we say what we are thankful for at dinner. A few times already the kids have said that they are grateful that for something that the new au pair did for them and tonight I said I was grateful that the new AP cooked dinner. All she ever says that she is thankful for is that she gets to skype with her family at home. That's pretty much what she says each night. On the weekend, I took her out to eat with some of my kids. The kids thanked me for lunch. She said nothing. I may try the direct approach, but I also think maybe she just doesn't like us that much since she never even responds when we tell her that we are grateful for things she does for us.

She might just not know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a new German au pair who also is not saying thank you, even though we include a section on gratitude in our handbook. AND, I am so big on gratitude that each and every night we say what we are thankful for at dinner. A few times already the kids have said that they are grateful that for something that the new au pair did for them and tonight I said I was grateful that the new AP cooked dinner. All she ever says that she is thankful for is that she gets to skype with her family at home. That's pretty much what she says each night. On the weekend, I took her out to eat with some of my kids. The kids thanked me for lunch. She said nothing. I may try the direct approach, but I also think maybe she just doesn't like us that much since she never even responds when we tell her that we are grateful for things she does for us.

She might just not know what to say.

Not even a smile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have only had two German APs so far, about to start with our third -- I am surprised to read this! Maybe there are personality differences, and potentially more regional cultural differences within German? Our two APs have been from different parts of Germany -- one from the far north and one from the far south -- but both have been very appreciative and I have never noticed any issues in saying thanks (and we say thanks all the time). It will be interesting to see how it is with our next AP. I do like the idea of being straightforward about it -- it may be a cultural difference but one that can negatively affect relationships.

There surely are regional cultural differences in Germany... but saying thank you is something that you (should) get taught from an early age.
We might say "butter" instead of "Could you please pass me the butter" at the breakfast table but normally a quick "Danke" (thanks) after having the butter passed to you would be expected.

What is true (yes, stereotyping and lumping 80 million people together) is that we often don't do well with praise. We don't get much praise (excelling is expected in middle / middle-upper working class families) and especially not what we consider the over the top praise that is so common in the US. We simply do not learn how to react or respond when being told we are doing great. Usually the answer is nodding and saying okay. Or just nodding. Nodding is fine.
We also don't expect praise or gratitude for things that are expected. If your au pair knows you want her to unload the dishwasher as part of her chores and then thank her for doing it... you are confusing her . We don't expect any form of appreciation for doing a task we were assigned. Going the extra mile and giving 110%, yes but not for normal day to day tasks that are expected and just part of our job.

So for 09/16/2015 22:17's example "On the weekend, I took her out to eat with some of my kids. The kids thanked me for lunch. She said nothing."
Being taken out for lunch as part of the family is (or can be seen) as part of the au pair program. The host family is also expected to provide the au pair with food (as part of the contract).
When (if) a regular German family, even with adult children, goes out for lunch, it is usually seen as the norm that the parents (especially if they have invited everybody to lunch) pay the food, especially if the adult children are still young enough to live at home. At 18/19 I would never have thought of thanking my mom to pay for my lunch (I was finishing school, I was living with her - feeding me was her responsibility). Now that I am mid 30s and haven't lived at home for 15 years (and am financially independet) I will thank her if we go out for lunch and she pays. Actively saying thank you because your host family provides you with lunch is nothing that is ingrained in us. Now if you had taken her out to her favorite restaurant for her birthday and gotten her a cake then yes, in that case a thank you would be expected in Germany.
She should have caught on to your children thanking you and she should have done as they do but that might currently still need more intercultural skills than she has.

We also don't do "How are you?", "Great, how are you.", "Wonderful, how can I help you today" - because greetings such as that don't exist in German. We say "Hallo", that's about as friendly as we get.
Language is just used differently which leads to a different cultural expectation on how to react in certain situations.

Definitely try a direct approach (we are a direct people, we don't understand "Would you maybe possibly be so kind as to... if you don't mind?" we understand "Please do x" or better "Do x, please", task first, then niceties, if you ask a German if they would mind to unload the dishwasher could well be yes).
Tell her that you need her to be a role modle to your children, how you expect your children to behave in such a situation and ask her to please mirror your (and their) behaviour. Nice but direct will most likely do the trick. As 09/16/2015 16:57 suggested.

I work in retail. Whenever I return from a vacation in the US the customers think I am nuts for being overly friendly. It usually takes me a week to go back to service-desert customer service.

[Anonymous]

"What is true (yes, stereotyping and lumping 80 million people together) is that we often don't do well with praise. We don't get much praise (excelling is expected in middle / middle-upper working class families) and especially not what we consider the over the top praise that is so common in the US. We simply do not learn how to react or respond when being told we are doing great. Usually the answer is nodding and saying okay. Or just nodding. Nodding is fine.
We also don't expect praise or gratitude for things that are expected. If your au pair knows you want her to unload the dishwasher as part of her chores and then thank her for doing it... you are confusing her . We don't expect any form of appreciation for doing a task we were assigned. Going the extra mile and giving 110%, yes but not for normal day to day tasks that are expected and just part of our job."

16:57 here. I have not experienced this reticence to accept praise with our Germans. On the contrary, I would say that a few of them specifically needed a whole lot of praise and positive feedback - more so than other APs in our nine years of hosting - and that all definitely responded to (and seemed to appreciate) our easy thanks and frequent kudos.

Certainly, all of our APs have loved public praise - the posts on au pair mom for AP appreciation week, the facebook shout-outs, etc. We are big believers in positive reinforcement (along with clear feedback to improve), and I have not found our Germans to be adverse to this at all.

OTOH, they do all comment about how used to "American friendliness" they get while with us and how one of the hardest things to adjust to upon returning home is how unfriendly everyone is in public spaces and business-type interactions.

OP, I deeply regret not having said something clearly to the first AP who didn't say thank you. I do think if I had addressed this right off the bat with her, our year would have been better, because she was excellent with the children but I never grew to like her due to what I perceived as her ungratefulness but I now think was just different cultural expectation. In her case, she not only did not say thank you not for "normal" things like dinner out or things done for her in the house, but even when we made special arrangements for something, as in the time I came home early from work so that she could go to a special even that she had said she really wanted to go to and we paid for everything, she never said thank you to us or even acknowledged that special arrangements had been made for her (and yes, she knew they had been).

I should have addresed this really forthrightly and told her that in our country, when host parents come home early and make special arrangements to do something special for you, thanks and a show of appreciation is both expected and appreciated in return.

[Anonymous]

This topic is so interesting! I am always curious that so many people only host German APs. We personally pool from France because of language, but I have often wondered how a German AP would fair in our family. We did host one Swiss German (fluent in French) AP, and although we had a good year together, I wouldn't describe her as the model for warmth- though she did thank us and showed appreciation.

My children thank us almost every day- not for feeding them, but for the little extra things we do. Buying something special, baking a cake, driving them to a friend's house. The 'ungrateful' attitude you described would quickly get under my skin, and I agree with previous posters that direct feedback is in order!

As for the French, they have all been warm and sincerely appreciative to us. We really only had one who didn't show appreciation, and to be honest I think she was probably on the spectrum. She would devour my home cooked meals and serve herself seconds, but never once told me she thought the food was good.

We asked for rematch after 8 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Hi do you search a new french au pair ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi do you search a new french au pair ?

Not at the moment. The rematch I am referring to was last year. We are all set through 2016. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I had this talk with my au pairs too. They don't know its part of our culture. I phrased it as I need my children to do this, so please model it for them. None of them knew it but picked it up quickly.

Talk to her before you end up resenting it all year.

[Anonymous]

I am German and I will tell you that Germans are rude. Yes, I said that. We refer to my side of the family as The Rude Germans. As a culture, they are critical, elitist, and do not express gratitude. They actually don't express much that is not necessary.

We match with Swedes. They have the responsibility, work ethic, and punctuality of the Germans, but with a fun personality.