I didn't want to overlap APs, but then old AP came back early from his travel month....
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Anonymous
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I am one of those "never overlap" HMs. I've done it twice, and each time it was a massive mistake. New AP never got settled because she relied too much on old AP, children never bonded with new AP, and I also had a hard time allowing new AP to start over in his or her own way with new approaches, new methods, and new outlooks...it was just easier to have new AP learn the ways old Ap did everything, but of course new AP could never be as good as old AP was at old AP's methods. So I just stopped letting this situation even occur.
So, old AP left in August and went away traveling, and new AP arrived. His start was slower than others...he has bonded with our older child but not the one who is 98% of the job. He seems strict and not particularly flexible, and we are a more flexible (within clear structures), playful household. He was making progress, slowly, and things were going better, but then suddenly old AP came back for three full days instead of one before leaving the country. The children were SOOO excited to see him. He and I and DH slid back into our comfortable ways. He sort of swooped back in and became a part of things again. And now new AP is sort of on the outskirts...doesn't fit in as well with us personality-wise, doesn't yet mesh with the younger child (who simply ADORES old AP), and doesn't really yet know the ropes of our job so is sort of just standing there watching old AP, trying to do what he does but doing it sort of half-ways and without the same energy. Sigh. I really, really, really didn't want to do this to new AP, but now that it's done, what do we do? We were sad saying goodbye to old AP, but we got over that before new AP arrived, but now the loss is fresh again (old AP flew this morning). What had started slowly with new AP and DC2 is now sort of on hold, as DC2 has had his beloved old AP back and was back doing things with him (asked him to put him to bed, get him up, put him on the bus in the morning, etc). I guess I really didn't think that this would feel so much like an overlap, because I had hoped and expected that new AP would be more settled after a few weeks and that old AP would be back just a short time, but alas, I am afraid this has set new AP back a good bit. Advice on what to do? How explicitly should I address this situation with new AP? |
Anonymous
| I'm going through this now too - new AP is nice, but super quiet. She's been with us 2 weeks and has warmed up a little, but I took her out on Sunday with us and honestly I just felt like it was a downer to have somebody walking around not saying anything all day. She doesn't mope or anything, she's just kind of, well, there. She joins us for all of our meals, but only speaks if we ask her a question. She answers the question and then resumes eating. I hate being the interrogator just to get an AP integrated - at some point, the effort needs to come from her. The kids like her fine and think that she is sweet, but there is no immediate love. Our old AP will return from her travel month this weekend and I am sure will be her usual talkative, lively self. We have a goodbye celebration planned for her (new AP won't come - I never invite them and make it clear that this is our time to say goodbye to the outgoing AP only). And then when she flies home on Monday, we will be back to the new normal blah |
Anonymous
We have a blah AP who is just "there". I've given up trying. I don't ask her questions any longer and don't invite her anywhwre. She's a total wet blanket. She "fine" with the kids, but they won't miss her. I'm counting the days until she is gone. |
Anonymous
I may not make it through the year with the blah. I won't invite her places anymore and hopefully she will find some friends and just eat out on the weekends. She is really sweet and kind, but I'm just not into drawing people out who don't want to be drawn out. |
Anonymous
Our blah does her job and is reliable and doesn't cause issues. She just has no personality and absolutely no interest in the world around her. I have no idea why she travels. She told me one day she felt sad for poor people who did not know what Chanel is. Da fuq?? Anyways, yea, no more invites from us. I can't deal with someone who is sullen always staring in her phone. Thank god another day was just scratched off thr calendar. |
Anonymous
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OP here. I'm sorry so many of us are having a hard(er) time with our new APs. I don't want this to turn into a complaint thread, though. I actually could use specific advice. I didn't get to see AP last night because I got home from work too late, and now today he seems to be hiding in his room. I'm wondering whether to go up and knock and sort of address the issue of the overlap and the fact that it might have been hard for him, or just let it go. And I feel funny starting to give feedback on things to work on, when if our old AP hadn't come back in all his glory and end-of-year-knowledge of us, I wouldn't feel as down on new AP as I do now.
Anyone else BTDT? Thanks |
Anonymous
| OP again. Younger child just came home from school for halfday and spent first 20 min sitting in my arms bawling his eyes out at missing old AP. He did not want to go off and play with new AP and had no interest in going with new AP to make lunch. DS is usually so adaptable and happy for a new AP to play with, but he doesn't seem to like this one unfortunately. I am working from home today and am crestfallen watching this. I definitely need to talk to AP tonight. Sigh. |
Anonymous
Ah, bummer! It took our older child longer to bond with AP, though there wasn't an initial dislike, just a disinterest. What really helped solidify their bond was sending them off on their own trip. Maybe the new AP could have a special outing to the zoo with your youngest tomorrow? |
Anonymous
Talk to the new AP about bonding with the kids. Tell him its part of his job to do so ASAP and give him some specific suggestinos for things that they can do together. Also, when he is not working, ask him to come out of his room for a board game, TV, whatever that you can all participate in so you can kind of gauge how much he actually tries to interract with the kids. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Had a good talk with AP tonight, and he is aware that he is not bonding with the younger child. He says he is overwhelmed by the responsibility of being the "adult in charge" and cannot find a way to have fun while he is in a position of authority. We spoke for a long time and mapped out some strategies for him, but ultimately, I suspect that we are headed to rematch because AP agreed that he is not happy and our son isn't happy with him either, so I am not confident that this can turn around as much as is needed. SIgh. |
Anonymous
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Please also remind your youngest that new AP likes him and wants to know him better and would love it if your son enjoyed being with him. Remind your son that it's not new AP's fault that old AP had to leave but that's how it goes and just because he loves new AP doesn't mean that he has to love old AP less. I undestand that you are trying to emotionally support your son by allowing him to bawl his eyes out for 20 minutes and not playing with AP and not going with AP to make lunch. And that's okay. BUT... it would also be okay to allow him to cry for 20 minutes, have a cookie and then cheer up and go help new AP with lunch. Of course new AP isn't happy in a situation where a child he is supposed to be taking care of is crying and unwilling to spend time with him. And of course your son is unhappy with an unhappy AP.
Yes, from what your new AP said it seems that he is willing to take the blame and understand that he is (at least partially) responsible for the situation as it is... but if you allow your son to not bond with new AP and allow him to sulk you are not helping the situation. And try to stay positive. Do not send out "Ah, we will have to go into rematch because youngest doesn't like AP so why bother" vibes. Children can feel them coming from us. If AP tries to change his ways see if you can also make your son try. You can help them bond by making them do stuff together (cook, go to the zoo, go to the playground - whatever you know your child enjoys). I have seen APs going into rematch because a child wanted their old AP back or wanted mom/dad to stay at home with them. Children, even young children, can play us that way. Going into rematch can help, yes. If you are lucky you will end up with a replacement your youngest bonds with instantly... but you might end up in the same situation and you can't go into rematch again and again because your son won't bond. [When I was an AP in the US my youngest was 15 months. It took her weeks to bond with me. The older were easy, two bonded quicker, the third needed more time as she had been awfully close with the last AP. But the youngest wouldn't even so much as look at me for the first week. After a month we were inseperable and she was clinging to me whenever we were in the same room. It happens. It isn't necessarily bad if bonding takes a little while as long as the AP does a blah job and makes sure the kids are safe.] |
Anonymous
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Thank you, 6:58. Yes indeed I did send my DC back to AP to spend the afternoon with him, including making lunch together, going to the playground, and going to the library. We have been hosting a very long time and have never had the experience before that DC did not immediately love a new AP (or babysitter or teacher). New AP literally never has a smile on his face when he is with DC, and DC has clearly picked up on that. Sitting in my office with me while I work is boring to DC. The fact that he is choosing that over playing with new(ish - been here three weeks) is telling because this has never happened before...usually DC prefers to play with his AP rather than sit near me.
He was like this before old AP came back but it just put everything into stark relief when old AP came back and DC immediately became his normal cheerful self again around old AP. I feel sorry for newish AP and want to help him, but if someone is so overwhelmed by being in an "adult role" that he can't have fun even for the 4 hours a day he is supposed to be playing actively with a 3rd grader and can't find it in himself to smile even while riding scooters and jumping on the trampoline (though he smiles plenty with us and with DD), how much is this really going to be able to work? I certainly want it to. I picked this AP for a reason and had high hopes for his success. |
Anonymous
Our old AP was like this, and I really regret subjecting my kids to her for an entire year. I did it because she was very efficient, got a lot of things done, and wasn't actively mean to them. But, in hindsight, her clear lack of appreciation for my kids really rubbed off on them. They ended the year feeling badly about themselves. Who wants to be left with someone who clearly doesn't really like you, and doesn't have any interest in you? I think you also need to stop connecting the two APs. What is done is done. But you're comparing the two. It's natural, but unfair. Evaluate your new AP as an individual, knowing that the "new" AP always suffers by comparison when you've just had a great year with your last AP. If he/she just really isn't into your kids, I'd consider a rematch. That's a tough year. |
Anonymous
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"I think you also need to stop connecting the two APs. What is done is done. But you're comparing the two. It's natural, but unfair. Evaluate your new AP as an individual, knowing that the "new" AP always suffers by comparison when you've just had a great year with your last AP. If he/she just really isn't into your kids, I'd consider a rematch. That's a tough year."
Yes, this is exactly my issue. I was fine with seeing new AP as his own person and giving him time to settle and get to know our children and household while still worrying that it was a slow start. But old AP coming back early just sort of messed up that process....and made it all so APPARENT that new AP is having a slow start (he feels it too - this isn't just from our perspective) and that things aren't going as we all had hoped. I really feel for him and feel awful that I ended up with the comparison right in front of me, when really, all I wanted to do was evaluate new AP on his own merits. In some ways, my guilt over the inadvertent overlap of APs - something I never think is a good idea for new APs - has both made me easier on new AP but also made me slower to address the issues I see brewing. Yesterday's tears by DC brought it to a head, though, so I am glad to have the "elephant in the room" recognized and called out for what it is. I need to remember that the key thing is that there isn't good connection (yet) with new AP and DC and that new AP does not seem (or admit) to enjoy spending time with DC, and NOT that new AP isn't as good as old AP was. Good reminder to keep these things separated in my head. Thanks. |
Anonymous
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"But, in hindsight, her clear lack of appreciation for my kids really rubbed off on them. They ended the year feeling badly about themselves. Who wants to be left with someone who clearly doesn't really like you, and doesn't have any interest in you?"
This, 1000 percent. This is my first post here, but I was so moved by it that I just had to chime in. This just summed up the year with my last au pair who left about 2 months ago. I thought, for most of the year, that it was teetering on either side of "fine." And I settled for that, on my daughter's behalf and to her ultimate detriment. I figured our au pair was getting things done, my daughter (9 years old) was getting where she needed to be on time, etc. But I knew they had not truly bonded and it declined terribly toward the end -- to the point where I think my daughter started acting out on purpose (and I honestly don't blame her -- at worst she was with someone whom she knew didn't like her; at best, she was with someone entirely un-fun and sour) It was not until the last two months of this au pair's tenure that I really opened my eyes to see how the total lack of the relationship (which is actually charitable -- it was a bad relationship if I'm being honest) impacted my daughter to the core. I had left her for the year with someone who clearly didn't like her. We later learned that even my daughter's friends could see the au pair didn't like her, and adding insult to injury, we also learned that the outgoing sour au pair tried to poison the well but saying unkind things about my daughter to the incoming au pair. I have never been so happy to be done with someone as when she left my house for good. If I could go back I would absolutely have sent the old au pair into re-match. Our new au pair (who thankfully did not take the bait of the old au pair, and made up her own mind about us/my daughter) is a dream -- a total rock star who restored my faith in the au pair program, who treats my daughter with kindness and is FUN but also responsible and in charge. I can see a difference in my child -- her confidence is noticeably stronger; she is more of her bubbly self. I would already do anything to make sure mu current au pair has a great year, due to my deep gratitude for her treatment of my child, after coming off such a terrible year. I take full responsibility for not really seeing what was going on last year, and letting the situation get to where it did. I won't do it again and I hope others can learn from my mistake. |