My MB won't let me do my job

[Anonymous]

My MB is on maternity leave. She is halfway through her 3 month leave.
My charges are 2 and 6 weeks. I'm having a particularly difficult time caring for the 2 year old because MB keeps interjecting and putting herself in the middle of my interactions with him. For instance, I give my charge periodic warnings that nap time is coming up. Generally (before MB was home all day) he would protest a little, but I'd be able to get him upstairs with very little crying/whining.
Now I will be in the middle of an interaction with him and the second he shows any negative emotion, she pipes in and tries to get him to comply. It just makes him even more emotional and upset. I know she is trying to help, but it makes things so much more difficult. I wish she would just let me do the job she hired me to do. I've noticed that he is acting out more while she is around. She allows him to get away with way more than I do. I feel that this is undermining any "authority" I have with him.
I can't go another 6 weeks like this and have to speak with her. My question is-how do I ask her to stop?
I'm in her home and this is her child. I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but I also need her to understand that she is making my job more difficult and her son more confused. Any help would be appreciated. I've never had to do this before.

[Anonymous]

Bring it up as an issue not an accusation. "Toddler is having an unusually hard time going down for his nap. Here is what I do when you aren't here..." or "Both of us involved in putting Toddler down for his nap is making him miserable and confused. Only on of us should probably do it. I can hold the Newborn if you would like to do it".

I used to couch everything with "I'm going to have to do this alone when you go back to work so..."

[Anonymous]

Just talk to her. When I was home on maternity leave, I often felt like the nanny would think I was lazy or didn't care if I just continued whatever I was doing instead of addressing the older child's needs (unless I was actively involved in baby care, of course).

Another suggestion would be to suggest to her that you swap kids for part of the day. Maybe she just misses cuddling her older child.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't underestimate the impact of the new baby on the toddler. If MB was locked up in a room with the baby all day, toddler may still be acting out in different ways trying to get her attention. My second maternity leave was so hard and exhausting for exactly that reason. My guess is she's trying to be involved bc she doesn't want the toddler to feel like she's home and ignoring him.

I think you should have a conversation with her about strategizing the best ways to handle the kids during the day and toddler's acting out. I also like the suggestion of offering to swap kids with her when she's not nursing. She is not trying to stop you from doing your job - she's trying to do hers, which is balance the emotional and physical needs of her kids equally.

[Anonymous]

I think a woman who has two childten should syop acting like a jerk and making the nanny's job a 1000 times harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't underestimate the impact of the new baby on the toddler. If MB was locked up in a room with the baby all day, toddler may still be acting out in different ways trying to get her attention. My second maternity leave was so hard and exhausting for exactly that reason. My guess is she's trying to be involved bc she doesn't want the toddler to feel like she's home and ignoring him.

I think you should have a conversation with her about strategizing the best ways to handle the kids during the day and toddler's acting out. I also like the suggestion of offering to swap kids with her when she's not nursing. She is not trying to stop you from doing your job - she's trying to do hers, which is balance the emotional and physical needs of her kids equally.

Well, obviously, she hasn't the foggiest idea of how to do this.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard on most children when there's a parent randomly interrupting all day. If only they knew.

[Anonymous]

This dynamic is difficult on everyone. I try and give my bosses the benefit of the doubt. I would keep my mouth shut on this one.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom and I think you can just be honest with her. I know that the kids give me "special Mommy treatment" as my husband & I call it - extra whining just for me, because it's easier to pull on my heart strings than it is with Dad or anyone else. So when I suspect that my presence is causing extra tears, I make a quick exit. Reassure the MB that your son isn't like this most of the time - hopefully that's all she needs to know to get the hint that she's not needed. Something like -

Susan, little Johnie actually isn't like this normally. I think he's getting confused by having the two of us kinda of co-lead the nap routine. I'm happy to take charge and handle whatever the fall out might be while we find a new balance with the current arrangement, but if you'd prefer to handle the nap routines on certain days, just let me know and I'll happy take a turn with the baby instead. Just let me know what division of labor you feel is best.

So, you're couching it as her choice, which it is as the employer, but also letting her know you've got this and you can handle it, and she can back off and enjoy that brand new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom and I think you can just be honest with her. I know that the kids give me "special Mommy treatment" as my husband & I call it - extra whining just for me, because it's easier to pull on my heart strings than it is with Dad or anyone else. So when I suspect that my presence is causing extra tears, I make a quick exit. Reassure the MB that your son isn't like this most of the time - hopefully that's all she needs to know to get the hint that she's not needed. Something like -

Susan, little Johnie actually isn't like this normally. I think he's getting confused by having the two of us kinda of co-lead the nap routine. I'm happy to take charge and handle whatever the fall out might be while we find a new balance with the current arrangement, but if you'd prefer to handle the nap routines on certain days, just let me know and I'll happy take a turn with the baby instead. Just let me know what division of labor you feel is best.

So, you're couching it as her choice, which it is as the employer, but also letting her know you've got this and you can handle it, and she can back off and enjoy that brand new baby.

+1

This ^^^^ great non confrontational way to Handel it!

[Anonymous]

Another idea, if possible: can you be out and about with the toddler leading up to nap time? Spend the early hours at home, then as nap time approaches take him for a long walk to a park or library, etc. You can pack up a lunch (or snack) to take with you and call it a picnic. Then, don't come home until just before you plan to take him upstairs for nap, so you can do the reminding (when we get home, in about ten minutes, we're going straight to your room for nap time..) while you're walking home. If you're worried about him falling asleep on the walk home you can have him walk/help push the stroller, or bring some exciting toys to play with or a special snack for him to eat in the stroller on the walk home so he doesn't pass out.

My last job involved some of the dynamic you mention (2.5 year old boy, MB home on mat leave with baby), and getting him out of the house, especially during the time when he is most trying (right before nap time) just made everything so much easier. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You wouldn't be overstepping any boundaries if you talk to her about this OP. Ironically, SHE is the one who is overstepping her own boundaries.

Let her know that it is tougher to discipline her child when she interferes. Tell her that letting her child get away with more while she is around is making your job tougher.

Ask that she try not to interject while you are there, acknowledge that you can understand as his mother how this may be tough at times, but that you truly need to have complete autonomy with your charge if he is to listen to you.

Honestly, I hate working for parents who stay home. Hate hate it. Most esp. the ones who micro-manage.

I would rather walk on broken glass barefoot.

[Anonymous]

Did you decide to stay, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This dynamic is difficult on everyone. I try and give my bosses the benefit of the doubt. I would keep my mouth shut on this one.

This.

New child is here, grandparents prob stopping by, summer different classes or camps, mom is home trying to figure out an ever changing infant.
Everyone needs to grow up and work together.
MB can't stay couped up in her bedroom all day with the baby. Likewise if the infant woke up 3+ times that night she won't feel like going out with him.

You, as a nanny will have to prove your worth. Offer to swap kids with MB whenever she wants. if she is in bevy duty, then you get toddler out of the house, bring lunch, get him home and right into bed. Everyone can play together when he wakes up. Offer to discuss baby feeding and sleep schedules with MB, baby muscle exercises, tips, etc. Teach toddler about being a big brother, or preschool, or potty training, or ABCs, etc.

Do not: call MB a "distraction" (it is her house and her child!), sit alone elsewhere while she plays with both kids, cook yourself big lunches with their food while toddler plays in the corner, complain about toddler or schedule or how difficult blah blah blah is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you decide to stay, OP?

Was she serious about quitting? Lots of families and nannies go through this having another child thing.