Moms excluding nannies

[Anonymous]

What is up with this? I'm white and my charge looks like he could be mine so I often get talked to like I'm the mother. So many mothers seem to want nothing to do with me once they discover I am the nanny. There are a few women who aren't/haven't been like that, but in the past 4 years of my nannying in various neighborhoods, this is the norm. It sucks because we all know it this job can be isolating and there just aren't a lot of other nannies around. Why are they like this??! I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Most mom's are looking for friends for themselves, not the kids. You meet their kids need with your charge but you do not meet their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most mom's are looking for friends for themselves, not the kids. You meet their kids need with your charge but you do not meet their needs.

This. Perfect explanation.

[Anonymous]

I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is up with this? I'm white and my charge looks like he could be mine so I often get talked to like I'm the mother. So many mothers seem to want nothing to do with me once they discover I am the nanny. There are a few women who aren't/haven't been like that, but in the past 4 years of my nannying in various neighborhoods, this is the norm. It sucks because we all know it this job can be isolating and there just aren't a lot of other nannies around. Why are they like this??! I don't get it.

You are "the Help" and they don't want to be friends with "the Help."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

You don't actually live in my neighborhood (probably), you're not going to get together with me, the kids, and hubby on the weekend, you're not going to want to exchange babysitting, or go hang out at a cafe or come over for anything other than a playdate ... I'll be polite, and happy to chat at the park. I might even set up a playdate. But, the PP is right. I'm looking for a friend for me who will want to chat over text or on the phone, and be around for a few years as our kids grow. You aren't that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

You don't actually live in my neighborhood (probably), you're not going to get together with me, the kids, and hubby on the weekend, you're not going to want to exchange babysitting, or go hang out at a cafe or come over for anything other than a playdate ... I'll be polite, and happy to chat at the park. I might even set up a playdate. But, the PP is right. I'm looking for a friend for me who will want to chat over text or on the phone, and be around for a few years as our kids grow. You aren't that person.

I've had the same thing happen, even when I was a live-in nanny working 24/7 (so was living in the same place, and would have been the one to make the decisions about all visiting, not just playdates). And actually, I host drop off playdates a lot when I'm friends with the moms, with the intention that they get an hour or two free and my charge gets to play with a friend, without expecting that they reciprocate. It doesn't matter to most, I've only ever had a few moms that were willing to be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

You don't actually live in my neighborhood (probably), you're not going to get together with me, the kids, and hubby on the weekend, you're not going to want to exchange babysitting, or go hang out at a cafe or come over for anything other than a playdate ... I'll be polite, and happy to chat at the park. I might even set up a playdate. But, the PP is right. I'm looking for a friend for me who will want to chat over text or on the phone, and be around for a few years as our kids grow. You aren't that person.

OP isn't trying to become the friends of these mothers. She was talking about having people avoid even speaking to her after they learn she is a nanny.
That is so incredibly rude. I'm a nanny, and while I don't particularly care to be friends with mothers I meet while working, I do expect to be treated with respect. Ceasing conversation and walking away is not respectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

You don't actually live in my neighborhood (probably), you're not going to get together with me, the kids, and hubby on the weekend, you're not going to want to exchange babysitting, or go hang out at a cafe or come over for anything other than a playdate ... I'll be polite, and happy to chat at the park. I might even set up a playdate. But, the PP is right. I'm looking for a friend for me who will want to chat over text or on the phone, and be around for a few years as our kids grow. You aren't that person.

I've had the same thing happen, even when I was a live-in nanny working 24/7 (so was living in the same place, and would have been the one to make the decisions about all visiting, not just playdates). And actually, I host drop off playdates a lot when I'm friends with the moms, with the intention that they get an hour or two free and my charge gets to play with a friend, without expecting that they reciprocate. It doesn't matter to most, I've only ever had a few moms that were willing to be friends.

OK. But I wouldn't allow you to do that. I'd feel like I needed to pay you for your time. I would happily get together if our kids liked each other, but it just isn't the same as making friends with someone who isn't at work when you see her.

I don't get the being rude and walking away thing, but I assume people aren't really sure what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

You don't actually live in my neighborhood (probably), you're not going to get together with me, the kids, and hubby on the weekend, you're not going to want to exchange babysitting, or go hang out at a cafe or come over for anything other than a playdate ... I'll be polite, and happy to chat at the park. I might even set up a playdate. But, the PP is right. I'm looking for a friend for me who will want to chat over text or on the phone, and be around for a few years as our kids grow. You aren't that person.

I've had the same thing happen, even when I was a live-in nanny working 24/7 (so was living in the same place, and would have been the one to make the decisions about all visiting, not just playdates). And actually, I host drop off playdates a lot when I'm friends with the moms, with the intention that they get an hour or two free and my charge gets to play with a friend, without expecting that they reciprocate. It doesn't matter to most, I've only ever had a few moms that were willing to be friends.

OK. But I wouldn't allow you to do that. I'd feel like I needed to pay you for your time. I would happily get together if our kids liked each other, but it just isn't the same as making friends with someone who isn't at work when you see her.

I don't get the being rude and walking away thing, but I assume people aren't really sure what to say.

+1, I would never expect a nanny to watch my child for free. I'd feel obligated to pay something. Playdates when kids are very young are more about the parents and parents needs as others described. Many mom's are in their 30' and 40's, so its hard to feel like you are friends with someone much younger in a very different stage of life. I'm not going to bars in the evenings or weekends. I am putting my kid to bed and having family time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

You don't actually live in my neighborhood (probably), you're not going to get together with me, the kids, and hubby on the weekend, you're not going to want to exchange babysitting, or go hang out at a cafe or come over for anything other than a playdate ... I'll be polite, and happy to chat at the park. I might even set up a playdate. But, the PP is right. I'm looking for a friend for me who will want to chat over text or on the phone, and be around for a few years as our kids grow. You aren't that person.

I've had the same thing happen, even when I was a live-in nanny working 24/7 (so was living in the same place, and would have been the one to make the decisions about all visiting, not just playdates). And actually, I host drop off playdates a lot when I'm friends with the moms, with the intention that they get an hour or two free and my charge gets to play with a friend, without expecting that they reciprocate. It doesn't matter to most, I've only ever had a few moms that were willing to be friends.

OK. But I wouldn't allow you to do that. I'd feel like I needed to pay you for your time. I would happily get together if our kids liked each other, but it just isn't the same as making friends with someone who isn't at work when you see her.

I don't get the being rude and walking away thing, but I assume people aren't really sure what to say.

+1, I would never expect a nanny to watch my child for free. I'd feel obligated to pay something. Playdates when kids are very young are more about the parents and parents needs as others described. Many mom's are in their 30' and 40's, so its hard to feel like you are friends with someone much younger in a very different stage of life. I'm not going to bars in the evenings or weekends. I am putting my kid to bed and having family time.

Do you think all nannies are in their 20's? Do you think all nannies are childless?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps this is a "D.C." thing since I live in SoCal and have nannied here for many years.

People talk to me knowing I am a nanny and many of them are parents.

I have never had anyone shun me before for being a nanny. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

You don't actually live in my neighborhood (probably), you're not going to get together with me, the kids, and hubby on the weekend, you're not going to want to exchange babysitting, or go hang out at a cafe or come over for anything other than a playdate ... I'll be polite, and happy to chat at the park. I might even set up a playdate. But, the PP is right. I'm looking for a friend for me who will want to chat over text or on the phone, and be around for a few years as our kids grow. You aren't that person.

I've had the same thing happen, even when I was a live-in nanny working 24/7 (so was living in the same place, and would have been the one to make the decisions about all visiting, not just playdates). And actually, I host drop off playdates a lot when I'm friends with the moms, with the intention that they get an hour or two free and my charge gets to play with a friend, without expecting that they reciprocate. It doesn't matter to most, I've only ever had a few moms that were willing to be friends.

OK. But I wouldn't allow you to do that. I'd feel like I needed to pay you for your time. I would happily get together if our kids liked each other, but it just isn't the same as making friends with someone who isn't at work when you see her.

I don't get the being rude and walking away thing, but I assume people aren't really sure what to say.

+1, I would never expect a nanny to watch my child for free. I'd feel obligated to pay something. Playdates when kids are very young are more about the parents and parents needs as others described. Many mom's are in their 30' and 40's, so its hard to feel like you are friends with someone much younger in a very different stage of life. I'm not going to bars in the evenings or weekends. I am putting my kid to bed and having family time.

Do you think all nannies are in their 20's? Do you think all nannies are childless?

Even when I was in my 20s, I didn't go to bars... And while I may be childless by choice, I live with kids, sometimes am with them round the clock, and certainly can trade kid stories better than my MB/DB who hardly see the kids. I know numerous nannies in their 30s and 40s, which is why we get mistaken as the parent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in my ten years as a nanny I've had this exact scenario happen hundreds of times; my charge starts playing with another child at the park, that child's mother starts chatting with me. Even when we've got a pretty great conversation going, once I mention I'm a nanny (not a mom), it comes grinding to an instant halt. It's pretty rude, IMO.

I understand the whole, you're looking for another mom who has the same mom stuff to deal with that you do, but at the same time, we were just chatting! Are you so narrow minded that in the instant you find out I'm a nanny you've suddenly decided that we have absolutely nothing left to say to each other? I wonder if, because the majority of moms I encounter are generally SAHMs, they have some weird chip on their should about nannies in general? Like, my MB is an inferior mother because she chose to work, and nannies are all just incompetent stand-ins who can never be as good as actual mothers (not even for a five minute conversation at the park)??

Having said that, I've also encountered a few nannies at the park who weren't particularly friendly either. Oh well.

I don't know, I'm a SAHM so I meet lots of (mostly) nannies at the park. I actually find the nannies to be more friendly and engaging than the other moms and know most of them from seeing them so regularly. I also get lots of good advice from experienced nannies. Granted, I'm not asking the nannies for their numbers to be best friends but there are 1-2 nannies I've met and had dates with because our kids got along.

[Anonymous]

The women you're running into are stay-at-home moms and they're looking for other SAHMs to be friends with - to meet up at a cafe for lunch with the kids on a Tuesday, to do an impromptu play date at the park on a Wednesday morning, and to do babysitting swaps with. In my neighborhood, they also are looking for houseschooling co-ops buddies, but that's another story.

The same used to happen to me when I was on maternity leave, doing 1pm preschool pick ups. The other moms are so friendly when they thought I'd be a new, long-term friend. When they realized I'd be going back to work in a few weeks, the conversation abruptly ended. I would have totally welcomed the friendship, with weekend family get togethers, but that's not what they were looking for.