Employer wasn't upfront about issues
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Anonymous
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Ok, so I just quit a trial period.
The family sounded great, job sounded good, pay was decent, live-in position, so I thought that it was worth a try. Over the course of the last week there have been numerous issues. DC2 is set up to be the golden child, gets whatever she wants, supposedly reads on the bus for her homework but refuses to discuss what she's read, neurotypical with no diagnosed issues; DC2 felt that she should be able to tell me when and where she is going if she wants to and dictate when we return home. DC1 is constantly watched for bad behavior, has been put on a diet, deals with ADD and dyslexia, fights doing reading or homework; DC1 made sure that I knew where he was, he struggled through the schoolwork, he dealt with a skin issue this week. DC1 also opened the van door and threatened to jump into traffic, refused to leave a function and threatened to yell and scream that I was kidnapping him and was begging for money at the function. Additionally, DC1 is prepubescent, yet is exhibiting sexual behavior far outside of the norm (facial gestures, tone of voice, innuendo, referencing situations that he should not be discussing, inappropriate touching to adult females including the nanny, etc) and I was very uncomfortable in the situation. I woke up two days in a row to DC1 sitting on cushions next to my bed and staring at me, once licking his lips, once playing with a curl that had dropped over the side of the bed. I'm creeped out and I didn't feel I could stay any longer. My room did not have a latching door (let alone a lock), the bathrooms on the main level don't lock, DB came into the room I was sleeping after I was in bed to lecture me. There were numerous other issues, some minor (DB kept giving me more tasks than I could do during a day without prioritizing which were most important to him, no contact information for anyone, no names of schools/knowledge of where the kids needed to be) and some major (DB has boundary issues: wanted me to make his bed, put away his laundry, make his lunch while children were at school, etc). On Saturday morning, DB tried to guilt trip me into staying additional days so that he wouldn't have a gap in coverage. I responded that he had asked me to give him 24-48 hours to reconsider when I talked to him on Thursday afternoon; I left Saturday after letting him know Friday after 8pm that I would not be staying. My issue is that he knew about the sexual behavior and didn't warn me at all. He told me about the ADD and dyslexia, and I took the position knowing that it would take time to show DC1 that he is capable and build his confidence. I have experience with IEP reviews, so I was helping DB draw up a list of issues/questions. I was also doing personal assistant, family assistant and household manager duties, yet I was being paid solely as a nanny. Given that DB purposefully withheld information, I shudder to think how many nannies he's allowed to be blindsided. I don't understand why a parent wouldn't be completely upfront with a candidate during a final interview or at least give the full information on the start date. Have any other nannies had major information withheld? Have any families withheld information, and can you give me some insight into why you would do so? |
Anonymous
| None of the issues described would turn me away, but then I am a professional nanny with years of experience. From what you wrote it is obvious you didn't bond with these children or give them a chance. You judged them right off the bat (golden child, brat, pervert, etc.) and they can pick up on that. I have worked with families with unique needs and kids with difficult behaviors for a decade and not everyone is cut out for this. |
Anonymous
I disagree. The waking up with a child in my room like she described would have creeped me out too. OP, I had a similar experience with a family. Oldest child was diagnosed with Autism and I had experience with that, but they did not disclose a lot of his behaviors. I was left with him for a trial. He yanked chunks of my hair out, banged his head on stone floor and tried biting me several times. I got through it and was able to handle him, but would have really appreciated a heads up so I could have been better mentally prepared. |
Anonymous
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Good for you, OP. That is what the trial period is for - for both parents and nanny to see if the job was a good fit for both.
I will never understand why employers aren't upfront about all issues. It is not as if we are not going to find out within a few days anyway. |
Anonymous
| YIkes, that sounds like a nightmare job. I'd seriously consider calling CPS to find out about the weird sexualization of that kid. Maybe it's nothing, but maybe there's something going on where that kid needs help. |
Anonymous
Being a live-in nanny without a way to lock your door wouldn't turn you away? Your boss coming into your bedroom after hours is just fine by you? I think you have boundary issues. OP, something is clinically wrong with that child. Something may be deeply wrong with the family. The dad probably didn't disclose everything because he hoped that with you, there'd be a fresh start, and he naively hoped his son would be different this time. Spouses of abusers do the same thing - pick up & move and think, this time it will be different. Spouses of cheaters hope that if the guy just gets a new job, gets away from that one coworker, the temptation will go away and he will be faithful now. It wasn't fair to you and you made the right call in leaving immediately, but the dad was hoping what any parent would hope - that his son wouldn't be a monster, if only given the right chance. |
Anonymous
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Yes, parents have withheld things minor in comparison (a four-year-old who wasn't toilet trained, a dog who was "sexually active" with the couch cushions) but nothing as severe as what you described.
I honestly don't know what any parent would withhold any information about their child. You were in a bad, bad situation, OP. I wouldn't have lasted the week with an employer who came into my room at night and a deeply troubled kid. |
Anonymous
It costs like $14 at home depot to put a lock on a door. |
Anonymous
| Get off this board and start packing. Its not going to get any better. |
Anonymous
| Some people are just crazy, don't overthink it. It's a good thing you got out quickly. |
Anonymous
| I've never had such a situation. I did however, have a MB who tried adding in hours to my contract without telling me, adding duties like walking the dog, cleaning the bathroom, etc. She always tried to short change me when being paid. I left after a month. |
Anonymous
Troll. |
Anonymous
| That family is in SERIOUS trouble. What town, OP? |
Anonymous
| Sorry, I'm not giving the town, nor am I giving more identifying issues. While I wish I could warn other nannies, I wouldn't feel right about breaching the family's confidentiality to someone not working for them. I did tell DB that I would be happy to talk to any potential hire about the issues, and I gave him a written list of my reasons for quitting (and what the nanny needs to know before starting), so I hope that he utilizes that. |
Anonymous
You're about as naive as they come. Do you seriously think he's allowing anyone to speak with you? |