My charge's inability to share.

[Anonymous]

I nanny for a set of 4 year old twins. Twin A is more dominant - twin B is more of a follower and let's twin A do the decision making. I try so very hard to make twin B more confident and to be an independent decision maker - we've made progress but he's still pretty passive. Twin A is so bossy and wants all of the toys, and is first one to preach sharing when somebody (school, home, play dates) has a toy that he wants.

We talk about sharing and he understands the concept of it just only wants to do it when it benefits him. They turned 4 in March and they each got separate toys for their birthday. Twin A wants all of his toys and all of twin B's and the problem (the majority of the time) is that twin B could care less. If twin A wants them, twin B will move on and find something else to do, BUT when twin B wants to play with something of twin A's or even of his own, twin A has a huge major fit. I absolutely never give into the fit and I usually just say he has to relax and wait his turn.

I don't want to take away his ability to play with others toys, but he has to learn that he needs to share.

I've been with this NF for almost 2 years and this behavior hasn't improved - I'd say it's only getting worse and is making play dates more problematic.

[Anonymous]

How many hrs a week do u have them?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 1/2 yr old b/g twins and what you're describing (both the dominance and the challenge of sharing) is quite typical.

Are they in preschool or will they be? Ours are going into preschool for help w/ exactly these kind of socialization skills.

Empower Twin B more - give him/her the toys (or the most desired one) and make A ask for them. Use a timer to enforce "turns" so that they have to take turns and switch off when the timer goes off.

Set up ways to allow Twin B to make decisions (we have a game where we hide something in one hand and whoever guesses the right hand w/ the item in it gets to decide which game we play first. We often rig the game so the less dominant twin gets to made the call.)

Talk w/ your employers about enrolling the twins in activities, maybe even separate activities.

Arrange playdates but end them (leave, walk away, etc...) when a child doesn't share well. Being removed from a desired activity has a HUGE impact on my kids - it's one of our best tools for behavior management.

You need to find ways to constantly reinforce the behavior you want and to build on success. You might also try reward charts (we haven't done this yet but are considering it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 1/2 yr old b/g twins and what you're describing (both the dominance and the challenge of sharing) is quite typical.

Are they in preschool or will they be? Ours are going into preschool for help w/ exactly these kind of socialization skills.

Empower Twin B more - give him/her the toys (or the most desired one) and make A ask for them. Use a timer to enforce "turns" so that they have to take turns and switch off when the timer goes off.

Set up ways to allow Twin B to make decisions (we have a game where we hide something in one hand and whoever guesses the right hand w/ the item in it gets to decide which game we play first. We often rig the game so the less dominant twin gets to made the call.)

Talk w/ your employers about enrolling the twins in activities, maybe even separate activities.

Arrange playdates but end them (leave, walk away, etc...) when a child doesn't share well. Being removed from a desired activity has a HUGE impact on my kids - it's one of our best tools for behavior management.

You need to find ways to constantly reinforce the behavior you want and to build on success. You might also try reward charts (we haven't done this yet but are considering it.)

Thanks for the suggestions. All things I do and will continue to do. I have them 50 hours a week so I feel like my consistency is helpful. I'd be willing to guess that MB&DD aren't quite as consistent although they share the same exasperated frustration. They are in preschool and next year they will be in different classes to try to help twin B with his confidence and independence.

I often do the removing, but feel bad for twin B because he suffers the consequence even though he didn't really do anything.
We'll see! I think this may have been more of a vent then anything.
4 year olds!!

[Anonymous]

Well, if they're in preschool do you know if they have the same challenges in class as they do at home? Preschool teachers have great skill managing this kind of stuff so maybe they have some tricks you could learn, or some insights to offer.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you praise the bossy twin when he does share or act kindly/politely. Make a bigger deal out of it than it is. He needs to see the positive side of good behavior.