How could I or should I have handled this differently?
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Anonymous
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I'm a nanny to 13 month old twins; I've been with them five months (4, 9.5 hour days per week). The entire time, DD has been a PITA baby, and DS has been a mostly sweet, mostly easy baby. Napping and eating have been our biggest struggles.
DS has been a one-long-nap in the middle of the day baby for quite some time (he doesn't seem to be tired at all until 12-1, and will nap for 2-2.5 hours at that time). DD on the other hand is better suited to two naps; by 10am she is cranky and tired, but will only sleep for an hour if I put her down before noon, and then will need to nap again around 2:30/3. We tried doing two naps for DD and one nap for DS but didn't work out great because we never were able to go out to the park or the library, etc; plus I didn't get a break and it's a long day. I discussed this with MB who said she wanted them both to nap at the same time, and even though DD had trouble with it we should just try keeping her up until he goes down (12:30ish) and hope that she would adjust to it eventually. We've been doing that for almost four months now, with mixed results. The biggest issues with it are that she is a total pill between 10am and naptime, and also that she often (not always, but often) wakes up after 60-90 mins, won't go back down, and then is tired again by 3:30/4 (but it's too late for another nap then). The other issue is food. DS is a great eater. Granted, there are some things he hates and refuses to eat, but the things he likes (peas, carrots, corn, strawberries, banana, cheese, etc) get eaten quickly and in great quantities. DD on the other hand doesnt seem as picky, but, especially over the last few weeks, doesn't eat much at mealtimes. While her brother is shoveling food into his mouth, she will take one bite (just one!) and then throw everything onto the floor. I've tried giving her just one small piece of food at a time, but it still goes on the floor. Two weeks ago I started enforcing "3 strikes and you're out" at mealtimes; once she threw her food on the floor for the third time all food was taken away and she had to sit and watch DS finish eating, and she would have to wait until the next meal/snack (90-120 mins later). Last week it sort of worked; although she would throw all her food on the floor and then be hungry until the next snack, at the next snack she would eat more and throw food less. But today has been a big struggle. At breakfast, at 7:45am, she drank all her milk and ate two bites of banana, everything else went on the floor. At snack, at 9:30am, she ate one kernel of corn, and everything else went on the floor. At lunch, at 11:15am, she ate two bites of strawberry, and everything else went on the floor. I've been offering her a variety of foods (2-3 things to choose from at each sitting), and trying to offer some of her healthy favorites as well. Needless to say she's been a giant pain in the butt (foul mood, always wanting to be held, crying a lot) all day, and most likely because she's so hungry. One thing I've noticed is that their parents seem to feed them a lot of baby junk food (puffs, biscuits, even toddler cookies); I get the impression they offer these at most meals, or, if DD doesn't eat much at a meal, MB once told me they give those to her "just so she isn't too hungry." I've sort of held my tongue because I don't want to be too preachy about what they should feed their children, but also because I don't know where to start (they've been buying their 13 month olds super sugary fruit yogurt, and they feed them a ton of cheese and pasta, not to mention they offer puffs and toddler cookies and biscuits frequently. I did at one point put in my two cents about buying them peanut butter that is trans fat free, but since then I've been reluctant to hound them about food choices). And for the record I know how much of the puffs and biscuits and cookies they feed them because I see how fast they go through the containers of them (alarmingly fast IMO!). Today at snack, after DD had gone through her three strikes and was sitting in her chair waiting for DS to finish eating, I opened the cabinet where the puffs, biscuits, etc, are kept, to get something else out. When I closed it, DD started whining and crying at me, and it really seemed like she was waiting for and expecting me to give her some junk food. Im worried that this habit of "oh, if you don't want to eat fruits and veggies you can have puffs and biscuits" is going to have a negative impact on her eating in the future. I am hoping that DD will come to learn that even though mommy and daddy do that, nanny won't, but so far it's been a difficult learning curve on that front. As I said, DD has been a huge pain in the butt today. We went for a walk to the park in the stroller, and she cried on and off the entire way there and back. We got home just before lunch time. At lunch she threw all her food on the floor almost immediately, and had to wait while DS had his lunch. As she sat there, she was becoming more and more fussy, crying and crying and crying. I even gave her a couple of extra chances to eat, but every time she threw her food on the floor (possibly because it wasn't the junk food she was holding out for?). By the time DS was done eating, she was in full on tantrum mode. I set them both in the small fenced in safe play area for a few minutes so I could clean up after lunch; DS was playing happily, neither hungry nor tired, but DD was rolling around on the floor screaming. I am trying to work on getting her to self soothe, but obviously that wasn't happening, so I gave her a couple of her favorite toys to play with, and tried to interact with her a little. She kept wanting me to take her out and hold her, but that is another habit of hers I've been trying to break (she always, always wants to be held, and will cry every time she is put down, until she is picked up again, but obviously I have to give DS attention and also prepare meals, clean up, etc, so she needs to learn that she can't be held 24/7). I patted her gently on the back, spoke to her in a calm voice, etc. but she wouldn't stop crying and screaming. I also have been using the deep breath technique but when she's that worked up already it doesn't help much. DD ended up screaming and crying for almost 40 mins straight (15 mins during lunch, then another 15 in the play area while I tried to assist her in calming down and clean up the kitchen a little, and then another 10 while I was getting them ready for nap). I don't want to traumatize her, I want her to be happy and taken care of, but I felt there was nothing I could do. She has refused to eat, so she is hungry. She was extremely tired, but DS wasn't tired, so I had to try to keep her up until it was nap time. MB prefers them to be on the same nap schedule, and she tells me that for the past couple of months she and DB haven't had too much trouble with getting her to stay up until DS is ready to nap (probably because she's eating junk food so at least she's not also super hungry in addition to being tired). Is there some way I could've handled this differently so DD didn't end up screaming and crying for 40 straight minutes? Should I give in and give her toddler junk food so she isn't so hungry? Should I just pick her up and try to hold her as much as possible until she calms down (knowing that even once she does I can't put her back down because she'll just start screaming again)? Should I talk to MB about putting them back on different nap schedules (even though she tells me it hasn't been a problem for them)? Should I talk to MB and DB about limiting toddler junk food? Should I just continue on with this and hope that she will come around and learn that I won't give her puffs and she might start eating more food at mealtimes with me? I feel like although the last few months have sort of been a struggle we've had some good days and good weeks, but the last week and a half has been all downhill... I'm open to any suggestions, thanks. |
Anonymous
| Cliff notes please. |
Anonymous
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I am really kind of alarmed that you are a nanny. I say this as a former nanny, a teacher, a nanny-employer and a mother.
You called a 13 month old a PITA and a pain in the butt twice. You clearly have a lot of judgment for this family and very little compassion for the TODDLER you are entrusted with. Seriously? Harping on toddler "junk food"? Constantly comparing her unfavorably to her brother? Why in the world do you think it is your duty to tell her she can't have puffs when she usually allowed them? This seriously makes me sick to my stomach. I sincerely hope you exit the nannying profession and find a job more suitable to your personality. I would hate to find out that my nanny feels the way you do about my toddler. |
Anonymous
And just to add on some actual advice for what you should have done differently: When a 13 month old is tired and cranky already, it is not suddenly time to try to teach them moral lessons about nutrition. |
Anonymous
| Anyone else think op is a troll? |
Anonymous
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So, I should reward her behavior of throwing all her healthy food on the floor by giving her sugary treats with no nutritional value?
I see posters on this forum talking about high needs babies and toddlers all the time. Perhaps high needs would've been a better way to phrase it, but honestly even her own mother (MB) has referred to her daughter in those exact same words before (PITA); I don't honestly see anything wrong with it. Of course I would never say that to her; but her own mother even said it right in front of her. I've been a nanny for twelve years and I have impeccable references, and I've always done a great job. I follow parents wishes, and I feed children healthy food. If I was such a terrible nanny I wouldn't be on here asking for advice. Now, unless you have any constructive advice, please stick your nose elsewhere. |
Anonymous
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I don't think you can do anything without the support of the parents. If your MB and DB are happy to feed them toddler junk you aren't going to achieve anything except make your little one hungry.
I personally believe that sleep is so so important especially for developing brains - does she not fall asleep in the pushchair? I think I saw you say that her having two naps is tricky as then you can't go anywhere but could she not have a little catnaps in the pushchair on the way to the library? Or if you walk around the park she could have 45m either in the park or fall asleep on the way home and sleep in the pushchair. A brief catnap (30-40m) may help her push through the morning. I would sit down with you MB and say "little girl is really struggling with being left to play ie you popped her down to play while you tidied up lunch and she cried the whole time, does she do this for you? How would you like me to deal with this?" that way you and the MB are on the same page and you are not leaving a child to cry without permission. It can be really hard to juggle two babies especially when their needs are so different- my nanny share position fell apart because one of the babies really struggled to adjust to being in the share and it was in her best interest to have a quieter environment and more attention than I could give with another baby and a toddler. |
Anonymous
| The only advice I can give right now (more later when I have the time), is please keep them on the same schedule. I'm not sure how many multiples you have had but having them on different schedules helps no one. I only work with multiples and from my interview I say it's the same schedule for all. |
Anonymous
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You reference various goals you have for the girl, but my overall question is whether the parents share those goals with you? You're trying to wean her off the foods she normally eats and wean her from needing comfort when hungry & tired - are the parents on board with that? If not, you need to stop. Feed the kid what the parents want her to be fed. When she's tired & hungry, don't try to reason with her, give her a hug, a snack, and then put her to bed.
If you all are on the same page, then realize that weaning the girl off her normal snacks is going to be a process and yes, you do need to be careful not to let the girl be reminded that those are in the house when you're feeding her something else. Also, eating healthily shouldn't feel like a punishment - make sure that what you're offering tastes good. Steamed broccoli tastes a lot better with a squeeze of lemon & dash of salt. No sugar added, plain yogurt tastes good when part of a fresh smoothie - make them a fresh blueberry & strawberry smoothie. But expecting a 13 month old to self-soothe in the middle of a hunger tantrum is expecting too much, IMO. Pick the girl up. Calm her down. Feed her. She has basic physical needs that need to be met before you can start moralizing her behavior at this age. Set her up for success. What you describe set her up for failure - of course she was upset. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
I have worked with two other sets of twins, but they had very similar temperaments and it was much easier keeping them on the same schedule without so much trouble. I've also never really dealt with parents who fed their young toddlers so much of the "junk food" before; most parents I've worked with have been very keen on feeding their children only organic whole foods, and keeping sugary starchy snacks to a minimum. I guess in both senses (twins with different temperaments and parents who don't strictly feed whole foods) I'm in uncharted territory. I eagerly await your further advice. However, I do agree with 17:04 that DD is really struggling and is not getting the sleep she needs, which only further exacerbates other issues :/ Today she only slept for 60 mins (which is INSANE because she was so so so tired. Perhaps it's because she's not getting enough food, but they do still get an 8oz bottle right before nap so I'm not convinced that's the reason. We use dark curtains and a noise machine). She did almost fall asleep in the stroller this morning, but I've worried that if I let her sleep in the stroller it will cause problems at nap time. I also rarely use the stroller for more than fifteen minutes, so by the time she fell asleep she would only get ten minutes sleep at most, and I think waking up after that would just cause her to be even more cranky. 17:16 just saw your post. I appreciate your advice as well. MB has told me they want DD to be less dependent upon being held, and to be more independent in general. I haven't discussed limiting junk food per se (like I said, I don't want to be too preachy or bossy about their food choices for their children), but I have mentioned that I stress healthy foods and they've been very enthusiastic about that as well. I've been feeding the foods they provide for their children; the yogurt they are offered at this point is the sugary fruity kind. I tried giving them broccoli last week. They refused it, so I tried putting melted cheese on top. They still refused it, but I tried at least. Like I said, they both have healthy foods they seem to like (peas, carrots, corn, etc etc); even DD used to eat those pretty well, and DS still does. It seems to me that DDs eating pattern the last week has been to just not eat anything at all except for said junk food.. I'm curious about this last part, when she's having a hunger tantrum to pick her up, calm her down, and feed her. What you've said totally makes sense (food is a basic need and without it nothing else can be accomplished). But the context of this hunger tantrum is that it started as I was trying to feed her! She had refused food all day (foods offered included banana, cheese, turkey, corn, carrots, green beans, strawberries, cantaloupe). At 11:15 I offered her 3 pieces of strawberry, she ate two and then threw the third (deliberately) on the floor. I told her No firmly, and said that was strike one and reminded her what would happen if she kept throwing food. I offered her a piece of cheese, which was immediately thrown on the floor. I said No, and again reminded her about no throwing, and asked her to please show me how she can eat the food (which has helped in the past). This time I gave her a piece of cantaloupe, which was again thrown on the floor. I told her that was enough and no more food for now. She watched her brother eat and was fussing, so a few mins later I told her I'd give her another chance, and offered her one piece each of strawberry and cheese. She threw them both on the floor. Up until now, she hadn't been crying; it was a few minutes after this that she began crying. This is how her hunger tantrum started. It was a few minutes after that that I put her in the play area (thinking maybe she was unhappy sitting in the high chair and might be happier playing with toys), and that's when she really melted down. I guess I could have picked her up, pretty much right after taking her down from the high chair, and offered her food again, but since I had already given her so many chances to eat just a few minutes prior, I can't help but feel the result would've been the same, unless I offered her the junk food she wanted. Do you think I should've gone ahead and given her the junk food at that point? In that case, since DS had just gotten down from eating himself, he would have to be left completely alone while DD then ate...aside from the healthy food vs junk food issue, I want DD to understand that there are certain times that we eat and you can't just refuse to eat one minute and expect to be fed the next. I'm not trying to be difficult, and I'm certainly not trying to be mean or withhold love or affection or food from any child in my care! In many ways it probably would make my life easier to just feed them both junk food all the time but I do actually care about them and want them to develop healthy eating habits (which MB says is important to her also). I guess another question I have is: Is her young age the main reason that everyone is suggesting to just offer the junk food if she is hungry and refuses other foods? Is there a point at which (18 months? 24 months? 3 years?) it makes more sense to stress healthy foods to the point of making a child go hungry because he/she is holding out for junk food? I feel like healthy eating habits should be established early, and if we show her at 13 months that if you don't eat healthy food you can still have junk food I fear the habit will be harder to break down the road. But if everyone agrees that this type of lesson should wait until she is a bit older, then I can just wait. Like I said, giving in and feeding the junk food probably would just make things easier for me, if everyone agrees to wait for now that's just what I'll do. |
Anonymous
Np here. I'm a nanny and I have yet to meet a child that isn't a pita every human is a pita that's just life, people suck but God makes us be alive 
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Anonymous
Wow, any nanny who let's their charge.... no, teaches their charge that it is ok to throw food on the ground up to two times with no consequences is just sad. Did you have any experience being a nanny before this? |
Anonymous
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IMO the sleep issue needs to be fixed first. Talk to mb about taking the time needed to slowly transition her to a single nap. I will offer advice on that tomorrow if you like.
Exhaustion makes everything else a struggle for any kid, and a high needs kid struggles 10x more. |
Anonymous
I would call the kid worse than a PITA because she is already a spoiled brat. |