Trust issues with first time parents

[Anonymous]

I have been caring for an infant for about 2 months now and the parents still don't seem to trust me. I have many years of infant experience and presented them with 5 references. I can understand first time parents being a little nervous the first month, but 2 months in they still burst in at random times, call and text constantly throughout the day, and require that I send them a picture every 1/2 hour. They also don't seem to trust my experience and keep telling me how to do really basic stuff. I'm trying to be patient and understanding. I know they tried a long time to get pregnant and this child is very precious to them, but I'm becoming really discouraged. Past families were always so trusting from the get go and it made me feel really good about my work and made the job more enjoyable. I wish they would get nanny cams so they can see the wonderful care I am giving their child. How much longer do you think I should give them before having a little sit down with them?

[Anonymous]

Give it more time. Reassure the parents as much as you can. I had the same situation with my current employers who were also FTP and it did work out within a few months. I also requested that they get Nanny Cams.

[Anonymous]

Definitely give it more time. You are still a new nanny to them. They are new parents. They'll relax.

[Anonymous]

I think that you should just have a sit down. Some of these may be things they can easily change or hadn't realized were bothering you.

They also sound very anxious and not quite sure that they are good parents or good bosses. It may be that if you can alleviate this and assure them that they are both, then they can calm down a little and just act like normal people.

[Anonymous]

It's always fun when someone who gave birth a few months ago thinks they know better than someone with 15 years of experience.

[Anonymous]

This is about them not you OP. Whether or not they can relax only time will tell.

In the meantime, I think if my nanny gently suggested to me that maybe I want to put in a nanny cam so I can be reassured that she's taking good care of my baby I would get the message!

So I would encourage you to talk to them, just come at it from the perspective of understanding how concerned they are, wanting to reassure them in whatever way you can, etc... Don't come at it from "all my other families trusted me immediately" or you'll just sound needlessly defensive.

The myriad levels of guilt a parent can feel, especially a mother, are really profound. And I know from my own battle with infertility that once you do actually become a parent, and then you still choose to continue working, there is an additional layer of guilt and judgment on that. (Maybe this mother is even getting a hard time from friends and family about the choices she is making.)

Anyway, try not to take it too personally, do try to work with them and gently send the message that you are very experienced, you will take wonderful care of their baby, and you want to help them build trust in you however you can.

Open communication between parents and nannies seems to be an ongoing challenge - so maybe you can start building good habits now. Talk about what is and isn't working in these early days, and frame those conversations around the job - not the individual personalities or your own assumptions or percerptions. It will make for much easier and more productive conversations.

Don't give up yet - give them a chance to calm down.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's always fun when someone who gave birth a few months ago thinks they know better than someone with 15 years of experience.

And it's funny when someone thinks that a woman should just hand over her child to a stranger without any qualms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's always fun when someone who gave birth a few months ago thinks they know better than someone with 15 years of experience.

Don't you remember being a FTM? I remember that I didn't know what was normal for every baby, and what was unique to my baby. What every parent did, and what was my own particular parenting philosophy.

Now, 5 kids later, yeah, I am comfortable telling the nanny that this baby needs xyz, and we are parents who do abc, and letting her run with it, but not so much in the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always fun when someone who gave birth a few months ago thinks they know better than someone with 15 years of experience.

And it's funny when someone thinks that a woman should just hand over her child to a stranger without any qualms.

Then stay home with your kid. If you can't do that, learn to trust the nanny and let go a little bit.

[Anonymous]

We purposely hired a very experienced nanny because we were FTP. Before I went back to work, I would watch her and it was obvious how comfortable and relaxed the baby was in her arms. When he was about two months old, I asked the nanny to put him down in his crib right after his bottle -- and nanny said something like, "...of course I will do whatever you ask, but he is showing signs of reflux and I think it might be better if I held him upright for at least twenty minutes before I put him down". I so appreciated that!

Still, even after seeing how good she was, I still felt the need to mention things. She would just smile and say that she knew.

I'd say it took me about six months to trust her completely even though she was clearly very knowledgable and trustworthy.

Give your MB time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could look at this from a different perspective. Maybe they have no idea what they are doing (like every first time parent), and they are wondering how you make it look so easy. They are telling you what to do/what they do in order to get some reassurance that it is the right thing. They are coming home in the middle of the day and watching, not to see if you are doing it right, but to see how to do it right.

This may be way off base, but I think the assumption that they believe that they know everything about raising children, and they are trying to educate you on it is not really correct either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been caring for an infant for about 2 months now and the parents still don't seem to trust me. I have many years of infant experience and presented them with 5 references. I can understand first time parents being a little nervous the first month, but 2 months in they still burst in at random times, call and text constantly throughout the day, and require that I send them a picture every 1/2 hour. They also don't seem to trust my experience and keep telling me how to do really basic stuff. I'm trying to be patient and understanding. I know they tried a long time to get pregnant and this child is very precious to them, but I'm becoming really discouraged. Past families were always so trusting from the get go and it made me feel really good about my work and made the job more enjoyable. I wish they would get nanny cams so they can see the wonderful care I am giving their child. How much longer do you think I should give them before having a little sit down with them?

Ask them to install Nanny Cams, OP. This cuts way, way down on the calls and texts and gives the parents a chance to check in and watch their baby whenever they want.

When they tell you how to do basic things, just smile and tell them that you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always fun when someone who gave birth a few months ago thinks they know better than someone with 15 years of experience.

Don't you remember being a FTM? I remember that I didn't know what was normal for every baby, and what was unique to my baby. What every parent did, and what was my own particular parenting philosophy.

Now, 5 kids later, yeah, I am comfortable telling the nanny that this baby needs xyz, and we are parents who do abc, and letting her run with it, but not so much in the beginning.

If you enter into a nanny/employer relationship, there must be trust. There is no way around it. It just won't work without it.
As scary as it is, parents have to take a leap of faith and allow the nanny the opportunity to bond with their child.
You know your child better than anyone. You must allow the nanny the opportunity to learn about your child, to anticipate their needs and learn their cues.
Popping in unannounced, requesting 16 pictures a day (8 hours x 30 minutes) and telling the nanny how to do everything will not foster a relationship of trust between the parties. It will just wear the nanny down until she eventually leaves. If the nanny has done nothing to make them question whether their child will be safe, then why are they doing this 2 months later?
You have to let go. You have to trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always fun when someone who gave birth a few months ago thinks they know better than someone with 15 years of experience.

Don't you remember being a FTM? I remember that I didn't know what was normal for every baby, and what was unique to my baby. What every parent did, and what was my own particular parenting philosophy.

Now, 5 kids later, yeah, I am comfortable telling the nanny that this baby needs xyz, and we are parents who do abc, and letting her run with it, but not so much in the beginning.

If you enter into a nanny/employer relationship, there must be trust. There is no way around it. It just won't work without it.
As scary as it is, parents have to take a leap of faith and allow the nanny the opportunity to bond with their child.
You know your child better than anyone. You must allow the nanny the opportunity to learn about your child, to anticipate their needs and learn their cues.
Popping in unannounced, requesting 16 pictures a day (8 hours x 30 minutes) and telling the nanny how to do everything will not foster a relationship of trust between the parties. It will just wear the nanny down until she eventually leaves. If the nanny has done nothing to make them question whether their child will be safe, then why are they doing this 2 months later?
You have to let go. You have to trust.

Yes. And an experienced, good nanny will understand that letting go and trusting can be a process. A secure, confident, experienced nanny has seen first time parents of all stripes, and knows how to help them work through their nervousness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always fun when someone who gave birth a few months ago thinks they know better than someone with 15 years of experience.

Don't you remember being a FTM? I remember that I didn't know what was normal for every baby, and what was unique to my baby. What every parent did, and what was my own particular parenting philosophy.

Now, 5 kids later, yeah, I am comfortable telling the nanny that this baby needs xyz, and we are parents who do abc, and letting her run with it, but not so much in the beginning.

If you enter into a nanny/employer relationship, there must be trust. There is no way around it. It just won't work without it.
As scary as it is, parents have to take a leap of faith and allow the nanny the opportunity to bond with their child.
You know your child better than anyone. You must allow the nanny the opportunity to learn about your child, to anticipate their needs and learn their cues.
Popping in unannounced, requesting 16 pictures a day (8 hours x 30 minutes) and telling the nanny how to do everything will not foster a relationship of trust between the parties. It will just wear the nanny down until she eventually leaves. If the nanny has done nothing to make them question whether their child will be safe, then why are they doing this 2 months later?
You have to let go. You have to trust.

Yes. And an experienced, good nanny will understand that letting go and trusting can be a process. A secure, confident, experienced nanny has seen first time parents of all stripes, and knows how to help them work through their nervousness.

I'm PP and you are correct. I said that as a good, experienced nanny.
It is important to be understanding and kind to first time parents, but there comes a point when they have to make the decision to trust the professional they hired to do her job. You can be understanding and kind until the cows come home, but some parents have serious trouble trusting.