Help Me Find A Way To Cope & Be Supportive Of My Nanny Family

[Anonymous]

My MB was recently rediagnosed with cancer.

She had cancer before many years before I worked with them.


Mom and Dad are divorced the kids live with mom and Dad is not very reliable, show up sporadically for fun things and has been less available since mom became sick again.

The oldest child (10) is relied upon in my opinion heavily and not healthily. She is very defiant when it comes to me

I haven't been with them very long so we are still bonding together and then with illness the defiance has become more pronounced.

I know her behavior is normal and part of the process, but it is very frustrating especially when it interferes with me doing my job ie she thinks she is mum/nanny to her little sisters ages 8 and 5.

I want to help the family and especially the little girl it's just very hard to reach her.

[Anonymous]

Get out. This is not your problem and you will end up becoming involved with all their problems .

[Anonymous]

Is anyone in the family getting therapy, that you're aware of?

Also, any other support persons involved besides you?

[Anonymous]

So sad.

My advice (as an MB) is to simply do your job as well and calmly as possible. Be one incredibly important thing that MB doesn't have to worry about. Be steady, strong and calm for the kids.

Do be careful not to get to overly involved for your own sake. Whatever the circumstances are for the mother and family, your job is not to be a primary support system or caregiver or worrier.

As a mother I can assure you that knowing my kids are getting steady, loving, reliable care from someone I can trust and rely upon is invaluable. Save her that anxiety and you are doing exactly the best possible thing you can do for her.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to quit.

To my knowledge no one is in therapy, and I don't know if they would go... probably wouldn't be able to suggest that anyway.

I just wish I could do more especially for the oldest girl.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't get dramatic. It is what it is. Just do your job.

[Anonymous]

I say patience is the key word here OP.

What this young girl is going through is very unique and troubling. I cannot even imagine the burden that must be on her shoulders, both physically and emotionally.

Try to approach her as her equal, like a peer...an ally, a team player, rather than a competitor or an authority figure. Doing this while still maintaining your authority can be quite tricky, I understand, but it can be accomplished OP.

Let her know you are on her side and not at all against her. Perhaps she has a lot of anger about the whole unfairness issue and just needs an outlet to express herself and you are an easy target for her right now.

Allow her some time to warm up to you. Perhaps there are many changes going on right now (I.e., Mom's illness returning, the divorce, new nanny, etc.) and she is still adjusting to the new transitions.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do not want to stay with a family with a serious and/or terminal illness or a family divorcing. Get out before you get sucked into all their problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you do not want to stay with a family with a serious and/or terminal illness or a family divorcing. Get out before you get sucked into all their problems.

Some of you folks are horrible. Would you not want the best care and support that is available in such a trying time? OP clearly stated that she does not want to quit. She wants feedback on how she can be more helpful or supportive. If you can't provide that kind of feedback then refrain from commenting

[Anonymous]

There was a good piece of advice above, treat the 10yo as more of your equal than someone you boss around. (Obviously outside of the younger ones' earshot) ask her to help you out with the little ones, you know how they are, etc.

In which ways is she being relied upon too much? If it's something like she has to pack lunches for all of them or do all the vacuuming, perhaps take one of the tasks off of her, specifically telling her that you'll do it for her and that she should go enjoy herself. If the younger kids are required to do much less, especially the 8yo, try to right the balance and point out that it isn't fair to pile everything on the 10yo in front of her.

You know what she's interested in, perhaps get her some activity that she would enjoy for the two of you to do together - but again, as equals. I'm thinking light bribery is nothing to be afraid of, within reason.

Positively reinforce her good behaviour. If you've gone the whole day without arguing, tell her you've had a really nice day with her. If you have a good chat, tell her you enjoyed it and hope to do that again. When she helps you, thank her for it. When she's being provoked (or even not) and is quietly fuming but keeps her mouth shut, praise her for not snapping and treating the others with respect.

I had a 9yo who was very defiant and rude to me, but she loved me at the same time, so if that's the case with you, catch her in those moments when she's more open to you, talk to her about how you like her and want to be her friend and help her, and that it really upsets you when she dismisses you, etc. Ask her if there is something that would make it easier for her to treat you better or what annoys her about the things you do so you could improve.

If she hates you because you just don't click or have a personality clash, speak to her on a more of a grown up level that you want to be treated with respect and then you will treat her with respect, because you reap what you sow, etc.

Pick your battles and if you see that she's wound up already, don't push for silly things. Pick a few things that are absolute musts for you and stick to those.

Again, if she's open to really talking to you, tell her you know that she's in a really tough situation with the mum being sick and all that, and that she's relied upon for so many things, acknowledge that she's doing a great job with it, acknowledge that it isn't fair, offer her to always be ready to listen to her.

Encourage her to express her feelings in healthy ways, by talking to you or her friends, get her a diary to write things down. If she's already using the internet, show her how to set up a private diary online (and explain all about online security, etc), suggest she keeps a diary in Word or something along those lines.

Get her some books that somewhat reflect her life. As far as I remember Jacqueline Wilson has a book about an over-burdened pre-teen with absent parents, and I'm sure there's many more others.

I'm sure your relationship will improve with time. It can also be very rewarding - my rude 9yo is now 18 and we're good friends still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sad.

My advice (as an MB) is to simply do your job as well and calmly as possible. Be one incredibly important thing that MB doesn't have to worry about. Be steady, strong and calm for the kids.

Do be careful not to get to overly involved for your own sake. Whatever the circumstances are for the mother and family, your job is not to be a primary support system or caregiver or worrier.

As a mother I can assure you that knowing my kids are getting steady, loving, reliable care from someone I can trust and rely upon is invaluable. Save her that anxiety and you are doing exactly the best possible thing you can do for her.

+1 this is perfect advice.