Can a nanny be too devoted?

[Anonymous]

I've been working as a first time nanny for over a year although I was a preschool teacher for nearly two decades prior. I am the nanny for a wonderful little boy and have been since his birth. I love working one-on-one with him; I love helping him learn, communicate and develop; I love making him fresh, healthful foods every day - generally I love being a nanny. But I'm definitely concerned that I am too attached to him. While I love when the work day is done and so appreciate my weekends and evenings, I do think of him often on weekends and do research on various topics that apply to his age group. He has good and loving parents but I worry about safety issues that they don't seem terribly concerned with when I'm not with him. It's not an all consuming worry by any means and I do have a nice, happy life outside of work (married to my childhood sweetheart for twenty-seven years but never had nor wanted children of our own -- which may make my feelings in this situation more intense?)

But is there a danger of becoming too attached to a charge? And if so, how do I mitigate it? All of the years I taught preschool and a few years that I worked in daycare settings I thought I loved "my kids" but nothing compared the love I feel for my charge as a nanny.

[Anonymous]

I was a longtime nanny (5+ years) for two kiddos and saw their family through a very difficult diagnosis. I was there at the hospital the night their second child was born and was the first person to hold him besides mom and dad. Because of the diagnosis, I started caring for him when he was only two weeks old. Rocking him, feeding him, bathing him, etc. we definitely bonded in a way I've ever bonded with any child before. He just turned for, and although I don't work as their nanny any more, I am still very close, personal friends with the entire family.

There is nothing wrong with loving your charge! It's hard not to, you spend a lot of time with him. I just think you need to consider your relationship with the rest of the family. Do they view you as family or simply an employee? My MB was home most of the time I was caring for her children, so we developed a tight bond. We text all the time and she sends me pictures and videos of the kids and we often meet for dinner. Leaving those kids was incredibly difficult, but I left with the confidence that I would continue to be an important part of their lives. Do you think that will be the case when you eventually leave your job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a longtime nanny (5+ years) for two kiddos and saw their family through a very difficult diagnosis. I was there at the hospital the night their second child was born and was the first person to hold him besides mom and dad. Because of the diagnosis, I started caring for him when he was only two weeks old. Rocking him, feeding him, bathing him, etc. we definitely bonded in a way I've ever bonded with any child before. He just turned for, and although I don't work as their nanny any more, I am still very close, personal friends with the entire family.

There is nothing wrong with loving your charge! It's hard not to, you spend a lot of time with him. I just think you need to consider your relationship with the rest of the family. Do they view you as family or simply an employee? My MB was home most of the time I was caring for her children, so we developed a tight bond. We text all the time and she sends me pictures and videos of the kids and we often meet for dinner. Leaving those kids was incredibly difficult, but I left with the confidence that I would continue to be an important part of their lives. Do you think that will be the case when you eventually leave your job?

*never bonded

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your response. I have a good working relationship with my employers and we are on the same page about how their son is being raised. They are lovely people but so much younger than I that I cannot say we have a real personal relationship. I know they appreciate what I do for their son and they do treat me with the outmost respect. I hope they would allow me to be a part of the child's life whenever the job ends but I am well aware that I am not family.

He is a wonderful, smart and funny little guy -- hard not to love him (and I'm sure every nanny would say the same about their charge!). Maybe it is just the nature of being a nanny... we love children that are not our own as a part of our jobs.

[Anonymous]

You sound like an amazing nanny, OP. I hope your MB realizes how lucky she is to have found you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like an amazing nanny, OP. I hope your MB realizes how lucky she is to have found you.

+1

[Anonymous]

No, I don't think a nanny can be "too devoted" to her charge. You seem to have strong boundaries, OP, and also seem to be a really great nanny concerned with his well-being and development. He's a very fortunate little guy to have you for his nanny.

If you had to leave him tomorrow, your involvement changed his life for the better and although he will not actively remember you, he will remember that he was loved, nurtured and had his needs met - that is a lot. But you won't leave him tomorrow and your relationship may continue for years.

[Anonymous]

From what you posted you sound like a great nanny and have a healthy relationship with your charge and his parents.

You love your charge and you take your job seriously and plan accordingly.

But you also have boundaries. You're good!

For me " too devoted" would be a nanny that didn't have a life outside her charge.

Those nannies that are on FB or Twitter posting pictures of their charges calling them their babies.

Those nannies that think they have the right to make parenting decisions

Those nannies that can't accept parents have the right to do things differently and to ask them to change things, the nannies that throw tantrums and act passive aggressive when parents disagree with them.

The nannies that get up in arms when their charges spend time with grandparents or aunties etc.

[Anonymous]

From what you wrote in your post OP, you sound like a pretty normal Nanny to me.

As a fellow Nanny myself, I feel the same way.
I think about my charge as well on my days off + I even do some research on weekends and such which I think is completely normal.

In this profession, I think it is difficult not to get our hearts involved. Those that do not, in my opinion, are simply not cut out for this type of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what you posted you sound like a great nanny and have a healthy relationship with your charge and his parents.

You love your charge and you take your job seriously and plan accordingly.

But you also have boundaries. You're good!

For me " too devoted" would be a nanny that didn't have a life outside her charge.

Those nannies that are on FB or Twitter posting pictures of their charges calling them their babies.

Those nannies that think they have the right to make parenting decisions

Those nannies that can't accept parents have the right to do things differently and to ask them to change things, the nannies that throw tantrums and act passive aggressive when parents disagree with them.

The nannies that get up in arms when their charges spend time with grandparents or aunties etc.

I agree with this 100%. And you, OP, do sound like a wonderful nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what you posted you sound like a great nanny and have a healthy relationship with your charge and his parents.

You love your charge and you take your job seriously and plan accordingly.

But you also have boundaries. You're good!

For me " too devoted" would be a nanny that didn't have a life outside her charge.

Those nannies that are on FB or Twitter posting pictures of their charges calling them their babies.

Those nannies that think they have the right to make parenting decisions

Those nannies that can't accept parents have the right to do things differently and to ask them to change things, the nannies that throw tantrums and act passive aggressive when parents disagree with them.

The nannies that get up in arms when their charges spend time with grandparents or aunties etc.

I agree with this 100%. And you, OP, do sound like a wonderful nanny.

I'm a mom and I essentially agree with all of this also. Yes, a nanny can get too attached, but a nanny SHOULD be attached. I want our nanny to love my kids and would consider it a problem if she didn't. I also need to know that she understands she is deeply important in our eyes and in the kids' lives, but she's also not family. That's a hard line to walk for everyone involved.

So you sound great to me and if I were your employer I would very much want you to stay connected w/ our family even after we might have aged out of needing a nanny. I expect that what you're wrestling with is probably pretty normal in the nanny profession, there are similar struggles on the mom's side.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. I was the nanny for an amazing boy for two years. When the position ended, I was devastated. When they let me know he'd be going to preschool, I got in the car and cried. Then went home and cried all night. On my last day, I cried for hours. I still babysat him frequently, but at first, when I would see him, it would break my heart. I now pick him up from school sometimes, so I obviously still get to see him (over a year later). He's as close to me as my own family is, and I would do anything for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been working as a first time nanny for over a year although I was a preschool teacher for nearly two decades prior. I am the nanny for a wonderful little boy and have been since his birth. I love working one-on-one with him; I love helping him learn, communicate and develop; I love making him fresh, healthful foods every day - generally I love being a nanny. But I'm definitely concerned that I am too attached to him. While I love when the work day is done and so appreciate my weekends and evenings, I do think of him often on weekends and do research on various topics that apply to his age group. He has good and loving parents but I worry about safety issues that they don't seem terribly concerned with when I'm not with him. It's not an all consuming worry by any means and I do have a nice, happy life outside of work (married to my childhood sweetheart for twenty-seven years but never had nor wanted children of our own -- which may make my feelings in this situation more intense?)

But is there a danger of becoming too attached to a charge? And if so, how do I mitigate it? All of the years I taught preschool and a few years that I worked in daycare settings I thought I loved "my kids" but nothing compared the love I feel for my charge as a nanny.

Please don't cross the line,if you do you going to have lots problem in future.... Think that ,they pay you for this job,you not belonge to the family root,you can love the baby,but don't get so crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. I was the nanny for an amazing boy for two years. When the position ended, I was devastated. When they let me know he'd be going to preschool, I got in the car and cried. Then went home and cried all night. On my last day, I cried for hours. I still babysat him frequently, but at first, when I would see him, it would break my heart. I now pick him up from school sometimes, so I obviously still get to see him (over a year later). He's as close to me as my own family is, and I would do anything for him.[/quote



No way I will do that!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. I was the nanny for an amazing boy for two years. When the position ended, I was devastated. When they let me know he'd be going to preschool, I got in the car and cried. Then went home and cried all night. On my last day, I cried for hours. I still babysat him frequently, but at first, when I would see him, it would break my heart. I now pick him up from school sometimes, so I obviously still get to see him (over a year later). He's as close to me as my own family is, and I would do anything for him.[/quote

MB here. This is one definition of "too devoted". I would be quite uncomfortable with this level of grief about a normal transition. Please love my child, absolutely please stay in touch. But to be crying for hours and heartbroken every time you saw him when babysitting - ick. That crosses the line.