Honest question about trusting a nanny

[Anonymous]

I'm a new parent. We have a child already and use daycare but are considering whether to have a second. There is no way we could do this again without help. I'm the first one to admit that I have trust issues. We've all heard horror stories about how nannies ignore, mistreat or hurt children. How do your parents that use nannies get over the feelings of mistrust or insecurity? I'd love to hear how you found your amazing nanny. TIA!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'd also be interested to hear from nannies if evening and weekend gigs would be worthwhile. We are considering having the baby in daycare during the day but having support in the early months in the evening and then later on the weekends. Is this a doable?

[Anonymous]

1) I don't think there is anything you can "do" to get over your own fears besides place nanny cams and spend hours reviewing them until you feel like you can trust her. Other people don't have those trust issues so there is nothing for them to overcome. The families I have worked for have always seemed so welcoming and trusting, maybe they used hidden nanny cams, who knows. I think most of it is just your gut, when you meet them do you feel like they are kind and gentle and would treat a child correctly? When you talk to their references do they reinforce that feeling?

2) There are tons of people looking for weekend and evening jobs, but they are usually babysitters. If you are thinking of finding a nanny and then starting with 4 hours a week in the evening and asking her to go full-time down the road then that is unlikely to happen. Anything is possible but if someone wants full-time they want it now. But you can use babysitters to get over your fears and hopefully be able to feel comfortable when it comes time to hire a nanny.

[Anonymous]

I used a nanny cam. Did not tell the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP!

I am a nanny and I just wanted to let you know that I also am a mother of three grown adult children so I can relate totally to your trust issues.

The families I currently have worked for in the past years have all been through referral. I started off from nanny websites such as sittercity and care.com, then people just started referring me to their friends who had young children and that is how I am finding work now.

I think families who find me via their own friends are more confident in me because they don't do their own independent background checks of me nor do they ask for add'l references. They tend to just go by what their friends tell them about me. They totally trust their friend's judgement and are satisfied that if I am good enough for their friend's child, then I must be for theirs as well!

I highly recommend you ask around when hiring a nanny. I think it would be too scary hiring a stranger off of a website. Keep in mind that websites like sittercity and care.com are FREE for nannies to post profiles which means that basically ANYONE with computer and internet access can say that they are a nanny and pose as a professional nanny so always be careful.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you do go the camera route, please tell the nannies that there will be cameras in use prior to hiring her. You don't have to tell her where, just tell her.
You also have to realize that if you don't place trust in your nanny, it will eventually erode the relationship. Trust your gut and check references.

[Anonymous]

My first nanny job started out as occasional evening babysitting for very anxious first time parents. They found me through the church nursery, and the first time they went out, they left me with their daughter for ~1 hour. They spent a lot of time getting to know me, inviting me over to work while mom was still home, and also inviting me to do stuff out of the house like go see the Christmas Village. We really formed a bond, and I know that helped them trust me with their daughter (and, later, their newborn son). I no longer work for them, but we still have a wonderful relationship and I see them all the time. They are by far my favorite nanny family and I think we will be an important part in each other's lives forever.

[Anonymous]

Sign up for a sitting service if you can afford it, or start looking for sitters elsewhere. I think you'll find that once you've left your child a few times and you can see how well it goes, it gets so much easier.

You will also find that once you actually start meeting the people who will sit or nanny for you, that you will see how much they love children and that they are kind, normal people. Once you actually meet some of these people, it's much harder to imagine them actively harming anyone (now, just being not very good at nannying, that's another story!).

[Anonymous]

You do know statistically a family member/friend is more likely to hurt a child than a child care provider. If we go off news stories then I wouldn't trust your husband alone with the baby because men are in the news for abusing kids and sexually assaulting them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do know statistically a family member/friend is more likely to hurt a child than a child care provider. If we go off news stories then I wouldn't trust your husband alone with the baby because men are in the news for abusing kids and sexually assaulting them

Between moms and dads the moms are more likely to be abusers, going by statistics.

[Anonymous]

Get a camera, but tell the nanny she will be filmed.

You don't have to tell her where the cameras are, but out of respect let her know she will be filmed. I think parents who hide cameras in order to try to "catch" abuse are idiots, why even subject your child to possible abuse or neglect?

As a nanny I recommend you do the following.

-thorough background check and get as many references as possible
- spend time with your nanny before leaving them with your child to form a relationship and trust
- talk to your. An y in person after everyday
- get cameras. Let her know about them and gauge her reaction. If you have had a nanny for awhile and the. Get cameras she will be offended. This is for new hires. I like cameras because if something were to happen NF could look at the cameras. They give me a sense of relief.
- trust your gut. If something seems off, it probably is

[Anonymous]

MB here. It certainly can be hard to trust a stranger, but it's a lot less hard to trust someone you hand picked, whose references you spoke with at length, whom you have observed care for your child directly, and who can directly oversee.

Then you're not trusting a stranger, rather you're trusting your judgment, and the person you know fairly well at that point.

The thing that helped me most was hiring someone whose references were truly outstanding, one of whom was a neighbor family with whom our nanny had worked for years and still had contact with even though their kids were now teenagers. Mothers providing references to other mothers can be tremendously valuable in terms of assuaging concerns.

Also, put real time into thinking through exactly what kind of person you need and want, what is your family culture, what are your positions on discipline/diet/sleep training/religion etc... Then you will be better equipped to hire someone who is a good fit, and to whom you can clearly express your preferences.

Our nanny has been a lifesaver and a blessing to us in so many ways. It's a tricky relationship to manage well, and it will point out any areas where you are insecure or uncertain in your parenting, but the nanny that is a good fit for your family will very quickly become THE most trusted person, next to your husband.

Good luck!