AP fighting back because we won't buy her oreos

[Anonymous]

She can buy her own junk food, we have the same policy. We don’t keep cookies, chips, ice cream, etc in our house and really only have them for special occasions. AP#1 constantly requested ice cream and Pringle’s. I would occasionally get them for her and then she complained that it wasn’t Ben & Jerry’s brand and would ask if we could buy her more sleeves of Pringle’s. Sorry, not gonna model that type of diet to my kids. It’s completely not about the money.

[Anonymous]

When I have stayed with host families in various countries, I interpret "board" to be meals. I have always purchased my own meals when out, and had my own snack food around.

We have more than enough food in our house, but APs typically buy a sugared cereal and a preferred sweet. We never buy prepackaged cookies, and I wouldn't start for the AP. We eat green apples and she wants red? Absolutely I'll pick some up.

[Anonymous]

When i was an au pair i drank a can of coke every day. The family bought me coke and just told the kids it was for me, they werent allowed soda. We had no problems. Now i am a parent, oreos in our house would be a dessert not a snack. But if DD 7 wants a couple of oreos after a healthy dinner what is wrong with that? Having 10 oreos as a snack is different than a couple as a dessert.

[Anonymous]

Wtf is wrong with a few pringles now and again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I have stayed with host families in various countries, I interpret "board" to be meals. I have always purchased my own meals when out, and had my own snack food around.

We have more than enough food in our house, but APs typically buy a sugared cereal and a preferred sweet. We never buy prepackaged cookies, and I wouldn't start for the AP. We eat green apples and she wants red? Absolutely I'll pick some up.

THIS!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My impression is that there is hostility all around this relationship that has very little to do with Oreos. It sounds like a power struggle, and a likely rematch. OP, I'd let the Orea thing go (if that is really what is bugging you) and not let this issue tank your relationship if your AP is otherwise doing well. I'd add $5 to her stipend and tell her that you are generously giving her this money so she can treat herself to whatever items you don't care to have in your grocery cart but that you expect her to consume them outside of your childrens' company/knowledg e.

I agree this is a power struggle. But, I once had an AP that did similar things- throw fits about various minor issues to slowly push the envelop on the rules. Looking for harmony, I relented until I was miserable- I had trained her to sulk and throw tantrums in order to get her way. The final straw was her demand to bring random men home from bars. I said no, she cried and stomped around the house, I put in for rematch, and she was totally shocked.

OP, don't give in. Don't relent. This isn't the oreos. You owe it to her to be up front about the fact that the rules are firm and you are willing to rematch over them. She can buy oreos and count chocula.

+1

AP didn't read the handbook or think it somehow doesn't actually apply to her. Today, it's a fight about Oreos. Tomorrow, it will be a fight about not getting to do whatever she wants with the car (200 mile roadtrip without your permission) or that she's too "mature" for a curfew (if you have one).

Yes, it does seem ridiculous when you look at it as a fight about junk food. But the larger picture is that you obviously need to go over house rules (maybe with the LCC present as a third party) and make sure she understands them. Otherwise, don't be surprised when more tantrums occur and she's on Facebook trolling in match groups looking for her "perfect" family before she puts in a sudden two week notice for rematch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My impression is that there is hostility all around this relationship that has very little to do with Oreos. It sounds like a power struggle, and a likely rematch. OP, I'd let the Orea thing go (if that is really what is bugging you) and not let this issue tank your relationship if your AP is otherwise doing well. I'd add $5 to her stipend and tell her that you are generously giving her this money so she can treat herself to whatever items you don't care to have in your grocery cart but that you expect her to consume them outside of your childrens' company/knowledg e.

I agree this is a power struggle. But, I once had an AP that did similar things- throw fits about various minor issues to slowly push the envelop on the rules. Looking for harmony, I relented until I was miserable- I had trained her to sulk and throw tantrums in order to get her way. The final straw was her demand to bring random men home from bars. I said no, she cried and stomped around the house, I put in for rematch, and she was totally shocked.

OP, don't give in. Don't relent. This isn't the oreos. You owe it to her to be up front about the fact that the rules are firm and you are willing to rematch over them. She can buy oreos and count chocula.

+1

AP didn't read the handbook or think it somehow doesn't actually apply to her. Today, it's a fight about Oreos. Tomorrow, it will be a fight about not getting to do whatever she wants with the car (200 mile roadtrip without your permission) or that she's too "mature" for a curfew (if you have one).

Yes, it does seem ridiculous when you look at it as a fight about junk food. But the larger picture is that you obviously need to go over house rules (maybe with the LCC present as a third party) and make sure she understands them. Otherwise, don't be surprised when more tantrums occur and she's on Facebook trolling in match groups looking for her "perfect" family before she puts in a sudden two week notice for rematch.

+100, if this was in the handbook before she matched then too bad she decided not to read it or thought rules didn't apply to her. My current AP buy lot of junks food and packaged food although we have a lot of food, fruits and healthy snacks at home. She never asked me to buy them, I just see them pop up in the freezer and I don't ask any question.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem that OP has commented since the original post. Likely a troll trying to stir up controversy. Looks like she (or he) succeeded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't seem that OP has commented since the original post. Likely a troll trying to stir up controversy. Looks like she (or he) succeeded.

OP here. Not a troll, just a busy working mom who can't log onto DCUM every minute of the day. I've read the posts and understand that it "seems" petty not to pay for this stuff. In the end I will buy the crap for her because as several posters pointed out, it's not worth the battle for something this minor. But one poster suggested my AP go to a "better" family and that I drop out of the program. Because I won't buy my AP items I told her up front we don't keep in the house, even though we buy everything else she asks for (and...it's a long list). She's a "poor" girl and I should stop hosting? Over Count Chocula? Huh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't seem that OP has commented since the original post. Likely a troll trying to stir up controversy. Looks like she (or he) succeeded.

OP here. Not a troll, just a busy working mom who can't log onto DCUM every minute of the day. I've read the posts and understand that it "seems" petty not to pay for this stuff. In the end I will buy the crap for her because as several posters pointed out, it's not worth the battle for something this minor. But one poster suggested my AP go to a "better" family and that I drop out of the program. Because I won't buy my AP items I told her up front we don't keep in the house, even though we buy everything else she asks for (and...it's a long list). She's a "poor" girl and I should stop hosting? Over Count Chocula? Huh.

Op what exactly is she doing when you say no to the oreos? I'm just trying to imagine this scenario because the 3 AP's we've hosted have been mostly too shy to ask me to buy anything. I agree the oreo's sounds like a petty thing to go to war over but can completely understand from your perspective that she shouldn't be getting so upset either. Is she visibly mad? Or passive aggressive? I would buy her the oreos but also explain your position so she understands that it isn't about money but rather healthy eating habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't seem that OP has commented since the original post. Likely a troll trying to stir up controversy. Looks like she (or he) succeeded.

OP here. Not a troll, just a busy working mom who can't log onto DCUM every minute of the day. I've read the posts and understand that it "seems" petty not to pay for this stuff. In the end I will buy the crap for her because as several posters pointed out, it's not worth the battle for something this minor. But one poster suggested my AP go to a "better" family and that I drop out of the program. Because I won't buy my AP items I told her up front we don't keep in the house, even though we buy everything else she asks for (and...it's a long list). She's a "poor" girl and I should stop hosting? Over Count Chocula? Huh.

We have a very large wine bucket on top of the fridge that is full of the junk food. Out of sight out of mind w/r/t the kids, but lets APs (and my husband) have a little contraband.

[Anonymous]

Just buy her the food and tell the kids she paid you back for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the right forum to be making this complaint. The nanny troll is going to make fun of you for being cheap and what else would you expect from an underpaid, practically enslaved foreign worker?

That being said, I understand completely. Our AP shared Pringles from her room with our two kids yesterday and I was annoyed. There's a reason why I don't buy them and turn a blind eye to our "no food eaten in the house other than the dining areas/kitchen" policy for the APs that hide the junk in their room. No, a "special shelf in the pantry" doesn't cut it. My curious 3 year old is not going to "respect" an unopened treat in an easily accessible pantry shelf and I don't want to hear the continual whining of "why can't I have an Oreo?"

Is your LCC a good one that would support you? Maybe AP just needs another view (i.e., the LCC confirming that a HF does NOT have to buy an AP Oreos whenever she desires).

So you won’t allow food in their bedroom and they’re not allowed to keep it in the kitchen so where should the AP keep it?

[Anonymous]

not a hill to die on.
buy her the $4 package of oreos and tell her to keep them in her room.
-6 year host mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:not a hill to die on.
buy her the $4 package of oreos and tell her to keep them in her room.
-6 year host mom

+ Honestly, $4 might buy a lot more in goodwill. There might be a time when you need AP to do something "not in the contract" for your children.